When 29-year-old out-of-work barista Nate Flanders gives an impromptu TEDx-style rant about "manifesting success" at a public park-dressed in a wizard robe for a cosplay event he forgot to change out of-he doesn't expect to go viral. He definitely doesn't expect people to start quoting him like scripture. But within a week, Nate finds himself at the head of a rapidly growing online community, nicknamed "Flanderians," who believe he's some kind of mystical life coach/prophet/rebel leader. Strangers tattoo his face on their calves. His neighbor opens a smoothie shop in his name. And worst of all-his mom starts calling him "Messiah Muffin." Nate tries to shut it all down... but every time he does, people think it's part of "the teachings." And when a tech billionaire invites Nate to "enlighten" his elite spiritual retreat in exchange for a fat check, Nate has to decide: keep up the act, or escape the madness? But the more he pretends, the weirder things get. Like actual magic starting to happen. Just a little. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully not.
Chapter 1: The Rant That Started It All
If Nate Flanders had known that his impromptu speech about "vibrational hustle alignment" would go viral, he would've at least zipped up his wizard robe.
To be fair, the robe was comfortable. And technically, it wasn't even his-it belonged to his ex-girlfriend's dog, repurposed into a makeshift outfit for Magic & Muffins Mondays, a forgotten side hustle that once combined street magic with baked goods. It tanked, naturally. Muffins got soggy. Doves escaped.
But now, here he was, standing on top of an overturned recycling bin in Lincoln Park, waving a coffee-stained wand and preaching nonsense to a group of six bored joggers and a guy eating peanuts directly from his hoodie pocket.
"Listen!" Nate shouted, adjusting his crooked wizard hat like it was a crown. "You've been conditioned to believe you're ordinary! But you're not. You're a goddamn spiritual Roomba! You absorb dirt, you make noise, you occasionally get stuck under the couch of society-but you keep going!"
A man clapped. Ironically, or perhaps out of confusion. A pigeon landed on Nate's shoulder, looked him dead in the eye, and then pooped down his back.
He didn't stop.
"You don't need a job. You are the job. You are the hustle. Hustle is not something you do-it's something you are! Wake up! Embrace the grind! Be your own MLM scheme!"
The peanut hoodie guy wept. Actual tears.
Someone else-a teen filming for TikTok-whispered, "This dude's spitting facts," right as Nate tripped over a yoga mat and landed flat on his back, limbs splayed like a starfish doing taxes.
And just like that, the universe clicked.
📱 The video got uploaded.
🎶 Someone remixed it with a trap beat.
💻 Reddit declared him "The Wizard of Woke."
📈 And within 48 hours, the #Flanderism hashtag had 3.6 million views, two fan art tributes, and a disturbing number of shirtless followers declaring "THE TRUTH IS IN THE VIBES."
Nate didn't know any of this the next morning. He woke up on his friend Trevor's couch-having been evicted three weeks ago after an incident involving expired lasagna, a raccoon, and one unfortunate smoke alarm-and checked his phone with the resigned dread of someone waiting for bad news from a dentist or their ex.
What he got instead was a barrage of text messages.Mom: "Nathan, are you leading a cult? Please say no. Also your uncle wants in."
Ex-Girlfriend: "Can I have the robe back? Mr. Wiggles misses it."
Unknown Number: "I have 47,000 followers. You're my god now."
He blinked. Sat up. Squinted at the screen like it had personally offended him.
Then he opened Instagram.
And screamed.
His face-still mid-pigeon-poop speech-was now on mugs, T-shirts, and a neon poster that read "WAKE UP, YOU MAGICAL BISCUIT."
Back in Lincoln Park, things had gotten weird. Someone had erected a cardboard shrine. There were candles, glitter, a bowl of Funyuns, and a plaque that read:
"Here Spake the Flander."
"Trevor," Nate whispered later that day, clutching a lukewarm Pop-Tart, "I think I accidentally became a spiritual leader."
Trevor, a conspiracy-loving DJ who lived in a converted van and had once claimed to be allergic to clouds, just nodded. "Yeah, bro. I felt your energy shift yesterday. Like... you leveled up. Ascended. Hit Guru 2.0."
"I fell on a yoga mat and got poop in my hair."
"Exactly," Trevor said, with alarming sincerity. "Symbolic rebirth."
Nate buried his face in his hands. "This isn't happening."
"It is. You can either fight it... or monetize it."
By 5 p.m., his new follower count was 83,000.
By 9 p.m., a woman claiming to be "a prophet of the future vibes" offered him a speaking gig in San Francisco.
By midnight, someone tagged his location with the words: "Enlightenment Zone: Approach Barefoot."
And Nate Flanders-unemployed, under-showered, and wearing a dog robe-realized something terrifying.
He had no idea how to stop this.
And worse?
Part of him... didn't want to.
END OF CHAPTER 1
Chapter 1 1.Chapter 1: The Rant That Started It All
09/07/2025
Chapter 2 2.Chapter 2: Please Stop Following Me
11/07/2025
Chapter 3 3.Chapter 3: Enlightenment Now Comes in a Reusable Tote Bag
11/07/2025
Chapter 4 4.Chapter 4: The Gospel According to Snacks
11/07/2025
Chapter 5 5.Chapter 5: Enlightenment Has a VIP Section Now
11/07/2025
Chapter 6 6.Chapter 6: No One Asked For A Strategic Enlightenment Plan
14/07/2025
Chapter 7 7.Chapter 7: We're Just Joking, Unless We're Not
14/07/2025
Chapter 8 8.Chapter 8: How to Dismantle a Cult in Ten Easy Lies
14/07/2025
Chapter 9 9.Chapter 9: You Can Quit the Cult, But the Cult Might Not Quit You
14/07/2025
Chapter 10 10.Chapter 10: The Memoir Manifestation
14/07/2025
Chapter 11 11.Chapter 11:The Sacred Sandwich of Spirituality
17/07/2025
Chapter 12 12.Chapter 12: Federal Agents and Flaxseed Nightmares
17/07/2025
Chapter 13 13.Chapter 13: The Sermon on the Mount... ing Pressure
20/07/2025
Chapter 14 14.Chapter 14: The Flanderian Games
20/07/2025
Chapter 15 15.Chapter 15: You're Gonna Want to Sit Down For This
20/07/2025
Chapter 16 16.Chapter 16: The Branding Meeting
26/07/2025
Chapter 17 17.Chapter 17: Government Agents, Goats Permits, and Flanderian Fashion Week
26/07/2025
Chapter 18 18.Chapter18: Nate-Day, Prophecies, and a Surprise fron the A-List
26/07/2025
Chapter 19 19.Chapter 19: Rival Cults, Hammock Trials, and Uncle Doug
26/07/2025
Chapter 20 20.Chapter 20: Of Paperwork, Doppelgängers
30/07/2025
Chapter 21 21.Chapter 21: The Holy Hangover
30/07/2025
Chapter 22 22.Chapter 22: How To Fake a Mi
30/07/2025
Chapter 23 23.Chapter 23: The Celebrity Conversion Crises
30/07/2025
Chapter 24 24.Chapter 24: The United Nations of Glo
30/07/2025
Chapter 25 25.Chapter 25: We Regret to Inform You, the Moon is Booked
30/07/2025