How to Accidentally start a Cult

e Gospel Acco

o the sound of

air like an ominous jazz fog. It sounded like Gregorian monks

and checked the

lt things. Too e

o the window

h with trail mix, hummus, and unwrapped granola bars. In the center of it all stood a woman in a glittering bathrob

her holding a ukulel

ndow. "Trevor, wha

's called Breakfast Affirmations

HY

feel well, unless you're lactose intolerant, in

"I was talking

tter. It sp

ched a sticky note labeled "Plan to De-Cult Myself" with exactly two s

go home and g

screamed, "He wants us to find our own hustle! T

t yelled, "I sold my

That didn

and opened his phone. A new

Val

subreddit called 'Unexpected

kid

dia

ddit is ironic," Nate sai

from last week. It has over 800,000 views. Al

't eve

s a metaphor' quote inspired t

. "I need t

control the

burrito

differ

e of Temporary Enlightenme

what he now called "The Inner Room of

ng l

ade of yoga mats d

ard with

1: Snacks. Vib

"advisory circle" convened. It included:Marsha the Glitter

ned-Aura Reader (wears tw

eighbor kid with zero

rrently burning a stick of "spiri

ha declared. "The people

u added. "You promised snacks a

lic," Denni

"No one wants to be enligh

ate needs to deliver his first official sermon.

ck-jawed. "You want me t

. "We want you to

Except Trevor. H

eek – The Fi

ind the gas station. Someone had bedazzled a p

RISING – AW

ullets, sipping from a mug that

aring her signature look of

ered," she muttered. "And I once interv

me this will

it. They have lanya

qualified

en qualified t

t if I just tell

bably reinterpret it as a m

thunderstorm of applause, camera flashes, and a wave

the podium.

ry eyeball f

en the fridge and forget why you came. And you're holding pickles and self-dou

sp

as alrea

d a plan. Sometimes, you just need to microw

d. A small goat in the back k

t like

became somethi

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