How to Accidentally start a Cult

ghtenment Has a

ed with

as a new goat. Smaller. Frenetic. Wearing a t

e was K

nt?" Nate asked as it jumped onto the cou

ed. "Symbolism. It represents the duality of th

peed on m

is mess

ngs had... evolved. Not slowl

," which featured daily affirmations, mood-based snack recommendations, and a button labele

eferring to themselves as "The Crispy Disciple

siah Complex: The Accidental Guru Chr

ing a hundred thousand views per day. Most of it

e a speech where he just stood silently for two minutes and s

as a spiritual call

trend called "Natevity"

illiantly H

living room wearing a robe made of what looked like recycled sequin c

don't need a retreat. I n

days. Reset. Eat soup. Stare at trees. Figure out how t

hesit

d wan

Later – T

ide Santa Borracho, a town known primarily for its hot springs and a 19

by three people in robes-actual monks, or very commi

Snack Boldly,

insisted on tagging along to

ing me again,

quote's on mugs now. The candle version

lodge, Nate

ting. No ukuleles. Just qui

nd mentally drafting a speech called "Hey

ed it into

ing a book: "The Accidental Way: Ho

er titles like:"Chapter 1:

on't Be a Her

he Robe Fits, Ta

, found all of

tea, "you're basically if Buddha h

s. I t

rrives in

oise. A caravan of minivans, jeeps, and two foo

low

s of

nger seat, shouting, "WE FOUND THE SO

inecones with Nate's face

d them in socks and a kimono.

are you doing here?! This i

woman sniffled. "We feared you w

eating

metaphor

ous Summit o

ference center. People split into discussion group

uch: Lazy as a S

hrase 'Microwave Your D

ly from cereal boxes and driftwood. Zuzu arrived by U

ame the re

patio table-and announced, "It is time. We must app

at even mean?

"you are our everything bagel. Our

calling me a

The Accident

e knows who-l

Kevin 2-knocked over

followers began singing a mash-up of

e double-monocled accountant levit

oked up at the stars and said quietly to La

"This is going to be an

e me on

me

nd someone claims I've 'asce

ea

some stairs. J

F CHA