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How to Accidentally start a Cult

Chapter 3 3.Chapter 3: Enlightenment Now Comes in a Reusable Tote Bag

Word Count: 919    |    Released on: 11/07/2025

nment Now Comes in

had escalated to alarming le

or stormed into the living room holding a

ade mer

into a couch cushion, grunted. "Th

tote bag around with dramatic fla

Would Nate F

e job. Hug a s

-specifically the frame where he was mid-snee

Nate mumbled, still

k it's symbolic. Like, the sneeze r

lergies," Nate gr

ation page to fund a 'Flanderian He

sounds

e. "They've already rai

sounds

sticks as long as baseball bats lined the street like a very confused Renai

blinds, someone spotted h

rupted in s

apping. Like they were congratul

even pick my own toothpaste brand.

k. "You didn't choose leader

like a frid

amed. "Th

Day – The P

e a donut shop and smelled like ambit

surrounded by ring lights and audio gear that looked w

sliding a confession booth window open. "Tod

ver in a wizard robe an

icked record.

"UNFILTERED: With Lan

Prophet: Flanderism and

Flanders. Barista-turned-inter

There's a smell in this room that reminds me

.' 'Jobs are a scam invented by jealous ghosts.' What do

l quote last week was, 'Drink more water or become dust.' I

it's all

stickers and matching robes. I don't kno

Keep leading? Or expose the

? I was hoping

tally onto something. People don't want truth. They want certainty. And you g

It was suppose

movements st

Assembly of Mildl

down at a crowd of nearly 200 people who had gathered

d as an emotional backflip to the sound of ambient whale noises. Someone else w

e a microphone. "

r w

guida

ave

Then make it up. Y

forward. The

ard, raised th

llow vibers. Enlight

erupted in

ven if that something was me slipping on a mat in a dog rob

front wept into a

don't have to have it all figured out to be moving forward.

rous a

e on your thighs. Please. T

People hugged, traded smoothie recipes, and shouted phr

ouch and stared at the ce

ou're a movement now, bro. You

know how to sp

uld mak

..Yeah. Yeah, I

F CHA

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1 Chapter 1 1.Chapter 1: The Rant That Started It All2 Chapter 2 2.Chapter 2: Please Stop Following Me3 Chapter 3 3.Chapter 3: Enlightenment Now Comes in a Reusable Tote Bag4 Chapter 4 4.Chapter 4: The Gospel According to Snacks5 Chapter 5 5.Chapter 5: Enlightenment Has a VIP Section Now6 Chapter 6 6.Chapter 6: No One Asked For A Strategic Enlightenment Plan7 Chapter 7 7.Chapter 7: We're Just Joking, Unless We're Not8 Chapter 8 8.Chapter 8: How to Dismantle a Cult in Ten Easy Lies9 Chapter 9 9.Chapter 9: You Can Quit the Cult, But the Cult Might Not Quit You10 Chapter 10 10.Chapter 10: The Memoir Manifestation11 Chapter 11 11.Chapter 11:The Sacred Sandwich of Spirituality12 Chapter 12 12.Chapter 12: Federal Agents and Flaxseed Nightmares13 Chapter 13 13.Chapter 13: The Sermon on the Mount... ing Pressure14 Chapter 14 14.Chapter 14: The Flanderian Games15 Chapter 15 15.Chapter 15: You're Gonna Want to Sit Down For This16 Chapter 16 16.Chapter 16: The Branding Meeting17 Chapter 17 17.Chapter 17: Government Agents, Goats Permits, and Flanderian Fashion Week18 Chapter 18 18.Chapter18: Nate-Day, Prophecies, and a Surprise fron the A-List19 Chapter 19 19.Chapter 19: Rival Cults, Hammock Trials, and Uncle Doug20 Chapter 20 20.Chapter 20: Of Paperwork, Doppelgängers21 Chapter 21 21.Chapter 21: The Holy Hangover22 Chapter 22 22.Chapter 22: How To Fake a Mi23 Chapter 23 23.Chapter 23: The Celebrity Conversion Crises24 Chapter 24 24.Chapter 24: The United Nations of Glo25 Chapter 25 25.Chapter 25: We Regret to Inform You, the Moon is Booked