THE SABOTEUR IN THE MIRROR

n boardrooms and awards ceremonies. A husband who brought me tea before his own coffee. A daughter who called me "Mama" li

d

n with

pstick or adjust your scarf. This one didn'

shower. My daughter had already left for school. Juma had gone to work an hour before me, as always. I was al

because I couldn't feel anything at all. There was no emotion behind the eyes

recogni

asier to hold. It didn't. I have always been a woman of sharp edges and neat lists. I color-code calendars. I memorize my daugh

old-my skin still carried the glow of youth, my waist had returned after

The story of how I sabotaged my life-not because I was unloved-but because I didn't know how to love m

the family from breaking." She bent so far, she va

became some

ubtle embroidery from a Senegalese designer, pants stitched in Ital

an inside w

d me aroun

good day

It was sweet. Expected.

was nothing. And nothing is more dange

ms, projects, trust. I had a way of making people feel safe, seen, valued. They didn't know I

rformance indicators like they were gospel. My assistant, Lydia, brought coffee. The i

d think about

o whispered wishes. Back when Juma and I had first married, I believed in things

aking it a chore. When I told my friends I had found someone who didn't need fixing, they envied

ance is

to suffocate. For me, it was subtle. I stopped laughing. Sto

Juma. Not out of an

f calendars and groceries. The spark didn't die in a fi

o whispered wishes. Back when Juma and I had first married, I believed in things

aking it a chore. When I told my friends I had found someone who didn't need fixing, they envied

ance is

to suffocate. For me, it was subtle. I stopped laughing. Sto

Juma. Not out of an

f calendars and groceries. The spark didn't die in a fi

ed at the dashboard, engine off, keys still in the ignition.My daughter's lau

t want

, sleep. And I wondered when my life had be

n silence. Especially when y

at Monday mirror m

ultant, all charm and insight. He said the right things-about transparency, emotional intelligence, dis

e said, not like a ques

replied

itable hiring. Twice. You write lik

ment no one had

was listening. And for a woman st

nged emails-professional, but warm. Then a phone call. Then he sent a voice n

ano

o do you become when

him.Remembered I was a married w

stened to the voi

again. No makeup. No perfume. Just me. And

dn't a

e want to destroy our lives-but beca

how it