THE SABOTEUR IN THE MIRROR

rst storms don't

nce so perfect, you

lways loud. It doesn't always burst through the door with gifts and fireworks. Sometimes, it wh

was

d and watered them before I did. He ironed my blouses without being asked, checked the car tire pressure before I left for conferences. He knew how

ed his voice.

iet became

t because I couldn't hear m

s at eight, and then a winding down of the day. Juma would sit on the couch with his book;

. His steadiness felt like stagnation. His stillness st

n't hi

t change

still wearing my burgundy satin gown an

and champagne I didn't finish. Juma drove us home, one hand on the wh

'lead like a man,'" he said qu

not expec

ng," I snapped, to

t driving. The quiet thic

face betray the sting. He hadn't meant to hurt

back as he faced away. He always curled slightly toward the edge, giving

adership being mostly just pretending you aren't terrified. I laughed

iptoe around my edges. He leane

d-what was practical, what made sense. But he never asked what ke

as okay becaus

n. People forget to check on you. They assu

patient. He hummed some song from his childhood as he parted her curls with his fingers. S

envi

love. But because she

last time I felt like

g late more ofte

g. Other times, I just sat in my car after work, scrolling through news I didn't care about, waiting for time to pass.

replies with careful punctuation and casual wit. I reread our conversation

was eve

with Ahmed. Not y

Being understood. Being seen as something more

e's mystery again. No

Quiet. Creeping. Justified. You tell yourself you're only looking for a spark. You'r

how it

a book I'd mentioned in passing, alr

you," he wrote. "I wante

ime. Juma had never read that book.

have replied

ll undo

g of cilantro on top, like a chef. I said thank you. I even smiled. But

't ques

ever

s part of t

are tricky things. His was acts of service. Mine was words.

g for echoes in so

ening why I didn't sit besid

," I

she replied. "You u

notice ev

rehead and chan

egan with kisses or promise

y d

illing with unsaid things. They begin when one person stops asking, and the

in with

in your head

must be