THE SABOTEUR IN THE MIRROR

rely begin

ne out there sees you more clearly

mand a decision, only attention. And at

tucked between strategy and systems talk. I told myself he was just articulate

iate. He just... noticed things. Quoted me back to myself. Laughed a

arving, even crumb

s voice was calm, measured, and yet it v

who you'd be wi

ce. The blinds were open

ed play

ag

ag

th listen,

the t

ded minut

terrifying

voice note. T

for it in the rece

leted i

door w

r color. Lipstick I hadn't worn in years. No one said anything at work-b

d no

ered they have a body," he said once. I

ld myself I was just flattered. I told

form slowly. And once they're set, t

gs" began o

a conference. He was speaking on innovation;

was raining. He offered t

t lasted two hours. Then one Friday evening, I let him drive me ho

he first

trus. He played jazz-Miles Davis-and talked about the feeling of

t nodded. Smiled too m

oosing him-and b

at first. But emoti

his messages during dinner with my famil

d deadlines. Hormones.

th was: I w

nd restraint. I didn't understand all of

knows when it's b

n't r

. And when I woke up, I felt gui

tment ca

ch retreat. I pitched the idea to my boss-time off-site to draf

ished, private. I told myself it was for clarity.

But it became a pocket in my world where rules bent. Where

oo long. A lunch that ran "overtime." A kiss that didn't a

promised

he'd leav

asked

him everyth

ent. Focused. Present e

etreats. He trusted me. Of course he di

l I

tress. He offered to lighten my load. Asked if I

ldn't. Too m

lieve

didn't-but h

is an act of wi

tment, I wa

was more mys

id-conversation, for no reason I could name. He didn

e to be strong

believ

e I wa

-

n, cracks be

never brought flowers. Never stayed long enough to warm the

did

abando

rtain half-drawn. Light was streaming in. I was alone. Again.

und and saw

chair. Coffee gone cold. A

ng Ahmed anymore. I was chasing the vers

ife not out of desire-

n't remember whi

affairs are

're

y. From roles. From the weight of

es a prison when you d

aring nothing but a silk robe. My hair undone. My eyes bloodshot

ed, "Who

l didn't

s afraid of