Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent / The Works of William Carleton, Volume Two

Under Agent-An Old Iri

tures that are generally necessary for the description of that class of remote country towns of which we write. Indeed, with the exception of an ancient Stone Cross, that stands in the middle of the street, and a Fair green, as it is termed, or common, where its two half-yearly fairs are held, and which lies at the west end of it, there is little or nothing else to be added. The fair I particularly mention, because on the day on which the circumstances I am a

ed up to the chin-all splashing through the slippery streets, their shoes spouting with snow-broth-the falling of tents-the shouting against the loudness of the storm, in order to be heard-the bleating of sheep, lowing of cattle, the deafening and wild hum of confused noises-all, when added to the roaring of the sweep

one ran or walked as quickly as possible, with the exception of some forenoon drunkard, who staggered along at his ease, with an eye h

perse. In truth, the effect of the storm upon them was perfectly miraculous. Many a poor creature, blind from birth or infancy, was gifted with, or restored to excellent sight; the maimed were

Nay, though ashamed to write it, we are bound to confess that some of our countrymen were ungallant enough, on meeting with their sweethearts, fairly to give them the slip, or only to recognize them with a kind of dreary and equivocal salutation, that might be termed a cross between a wink and a shiver. Others, however,

e softer sex were not to be surpassed in feats of hardihood or heroism, a tattered creature, in the shape of woman, without cap, shoe, or stocking, accompanied by two naked and shivering children, whose artificial lamentations were now lost in those of nature, proceeded up the street, in the very teeth of the beating tempest, attempting to sing some dismal ditty, with a voice which resembled the imagined shriekings of a ghoul, more than the accents of a human being. These two were the only individuals who, in the true spirit of hardened imposture, braved all

sh mutton is boiled, and sold out, with bread and soup, to all customers. I know not how it happens; but be the motive or cause what it may, scarcely any one ever goes into a spoileen tent, unless in a mood of mirth and jocularity. To eat spoileen seriously, would be as rare a sight as to witness a wife dancing on her husband's coffin. It is very difficult, indeed, to ascertain the re

that nineteen out of every twenty who go in to eat spoileen, are actuated more by curiosity than hunger, inasmuch as they consist of such persons as have never tasted it before. This, therefore, being generally known, and each possessing latent consciousness of its truth, it is considered best to take the matter in good humor, and escape the shame of

two fires being kept in each; over these, placed upon three large stones, or suspended from three poles, united at top, is the pot or pots in which the spoileen is bo

when he has been known to reach a most patriarchal length of years. Then the suddenness of the act which converts a portion of the venerable patriarch into a component part of honest Paddy, is equally remarkable; for it generally happens that the animal now standing in a corner of the tent, will in about half an hour be undergoing the process of assimilation in his (Paddy's) gastric region. The elastic quality of the meat is indeed extraordinary, and such as, with the knowledge of that fact, does sometimes render Padd

roaring, clattering of pewter pots, and thumping of tables, that it was almost impossible to hear or understand anything in the shape of conversation. To this, however, there was one exception. A small closet simply large enough to hol

expression of acuteness and malignity. In every sense he was a person against whom you would feel disposed to guard yourself, whether in the ordinary intercourse of life and its transactions, or still more in the secret workings of the darker and more vindictive passions. He was what they call a down-looking man; that is

loth and top boots. The contrast between him and the other, was in nothing more striking than the honest, joyous spirit of his laughter, which rang clearly and mellowly on your ear, leaving behind it an expression of candor, light-heartedness, and good nature, that could not be mistaken. "It's idle talk to speak about going such a day as this," observed the beetle-browed man, who stirred up th

, ha. Well, well, let us have some drink, as you say, at all events; only it must be at my expense as well as the rest. Well, sure enough, you were the devil's

my credit, as good a companion as any one could sit with. All I wish is that we had here more of

on earth will we get home? Indeed such a ter

ore us, at any rate. There's many a poor half-drowned devil in the fair,

trong sense of comfort, on contrasting the warmth of their snug little room with the uproar of t

on, "that I happened to meet with you to-day-you and I are

t we do so? You haven't found me troublesom

edit I haven't, an' that's what I complain of; nei

not long since you came to march us. It's only two years and a half since you wormed out the O'H

thing, no matter what it is, you never come to me for it. It was only the other day that you wanted a rope to pull that

tate; however, I'll tell you what, Val the Vulture-you see I can be neighborly sometimes-just let me know whenever you stand in need of a rope-mark, I don't say whenever you deserve it-and may I never taste worse liquor than this, but you shall have it with righ

ou do, Brian, I'd not be apt to overlook it

ay be, ha! ha! ha! but go on,

ause you make one laugh

th; or if you do, it's on the wrong side of the mouth you d

besides, you're always hard, too hard, upon me. Anything

echism about them. If you're wise, let byegones be byegones; take that advice from me. Whatever tricks you may have practise

ance, if it goes to that; yes, Brian, a wealthier

at least a great part of it, if you were ten times the vulture you are

ven pardon me for swearing

nick of your conscience, Val darling, how many Bibles did you wea

ou, or being angry with you; you are a devilish pleasant heart

, is it true that the lower joint of your right thumb is horny, in consequence o

not depending upon them, and I care little. But now, Brian, there is one

dashed, Val, you'll get over your mode

nd fireside, in the mean time!" Brian merely nodded in reply, but said nothing. "Now you know, Bri

y go

d mine live very close

y go

part of the families were to become u

ood, ve

you really thi

s hear more of it; state your ca

d there's my son Phil, who, excepting the cast (* Squint)-is-but, at any rate, if he's no beauty, he's a stou

one knee sugar candy, and the other licking it?-but go on

-then seriously, what would you t

do well for Phil, of course-for although he has the squint in both eyes, instead of only in one, like yourself-and is twisted very much about the knees, more than you are a good deal-still,

on foot, and when mounted on 'Handsome Harry,' with top-boots

orner you could not meet in Europe-but never mind; go on, Val-go on, my fr

n excellent

e your son if h

blame would lie-your daughter will not be the shrew and scol

er, Val-well, well-oh! I'l

be very happy together-you are able to

and a bad father I'

m that I broached the thing at once. I have been thinking of it

of it-but what's to be

ters together till they get acquainted-then we can have another meeting, a

truth. But, Val, or neighbor Val, as I now may call you, don't you think it would be better to wind up this business now that our hand's in

, as you call it? Suppose I gave him that, what will you come down with for the gir

nothing against the O'Hagan property, as you call it-and, indeed, I don't intend to put my daughter off u

rel with you if you m

y for drunkenness, debauchery, and blasphemy-what, I say, did I and my family do, that you, his son, who were, and are to this day, the low, mean, willing scourge of every oppressor, the agent of their crimes-the instrument of their villianies-you who undermined the honest man-who sold and betrayed the poor man-who deceived and misled the widow and her orphans, and rose upon their ruin-who have robbed your emp

pped after a single glance; in truth, he quailed before M'Loughlin; his upper lip, as usual, quivered-his brow lowered, and looked black as midnight, whilst all the rest of his face became the color of ashes. In fa

ghlin," returned t

before God-but for all that, and if it were against even religion itself-I feel too proud to suffer you to speak to me as you do-no-don't Br

an hear you, and what is more, I wish t

appear from the manner and action of this man, that he now felt actuated by s

do you think I ev

the face, I say, and tell me what you mean by it. I'm a m

hich he spoke, made

I didn't think you were so violent. I bore a great deal from you this day, Mr. M'Lo

the floor, in order to bring up some pe

id the other, "this is m

. I wouldn't have it said, that bit or sup, paid for by

tress, a red-haired, bare

had last out of that, and keep the change to yourself.

me to settle for th

d God! and who now holds their places? Your own cousin. It's useless, however, to mention all you've done. You, Val the Vulture, as the people call you, are one of those scourges that rise and flourish upon the distresses of the poor, and the injustice that you yourself bring upon them by your falsehood and calumny; and all because the property they live on is neglected by those who have a right to lo

g son, that's likely to become a squireen upon our hands, don't come to Brian M

go, at all events," he replied, "I hope you remember

M'Loughlin, "but I suppos

t was this-your farm and mine lie very snugly together-obs

now what els

farm, and mine lie snugly toget

my credit I d

's what I

d Cumber, and made his son, the present Lord, too proud to live on his own estate. However, I'd be glad to see the honest man that ever envied the same old Tom his title, when we all know that he got it for selling his country. As for

ether, Mr: M'Loughlin, an

l; but in justice to truth and honor, or, perhaps, we should rather say, fraud and profligacy, we are constrained to admit, that there is not to be found in the annals of all history, any political negotiation based upon such rank and festering corruption, as was the legislative union. Had the motives which actuated the English government towards this country been pure, and influenced by principles of equality and common justice, they would never have had recourse to such unparalleled profligacy. This is self-evident, for those who seek an hon

of which, it was well known that he seldom or ever went to,bed with less than four or five bottles under his belt; and as touching the latter, that he had two agents in pay to cater for his passions. In both these propensities he was certainly countenanced by the usages and moral habits of the times; and the truth is, he grew rather popular than otherwise, precisely on account of them. He was bluff, boisterous, and not ill-natured-one of that bygone class who would horsewhip a tenant to-day and fight a duel for him to-morrow. Above all things, he resided on his estate, knew all his tenantry by name and person, and co

any still may, together with the singular blending of generosity and violence, horsewhipping and protection, mirth and mischief which charact

opponent) that can cut our loves in two. No, boys, he's not the blade to do that, at any rate! Hurra then, ye vagabones; ould Tom Topertoe for ever! He loves his bottle and his wench, and will make any rascal quiver on a dais

dress them in a serious speech, the consequences were near proving disastrous to his interests. When he commenced-"Gentlemen-upon an occasion of such important difficulty"-there was for about a quarter of a minute a dead silence-that of astonishment-Topertoe, however, who had stuck fast, was obliged to commence again--"Gentlemen-upon an occasion, of such-" but it would not do, the groaning, shouting, hooting, and yelling, were deafening for

that never had a day's illness but the gout, bad luck to it!" &c, &c. This was enough, the old feeling of fun and attachment kindled up-the multitude joined him in his speech, precisely as a popular singer is joined by the gods of

Without reading or education-he was coarse, sensual, careless, and extravagant, having no stronger or purer principle to regulate him than that which originated in his passions or his necessities. Of shame or moral sanction he knew nothing, and consequently held himself amenable to the world on two points only-the laws of duelling and those of gaming. He would take an insult from no man, and always paid his gambling debts with honor; but beyond that, he n

garity and grossness, without a single particle of his uncertain and capricious good nature. In his manners he appeared more of the gentleman; was lively, shallow, and versatile; but having been educated at an English school and an English college, he felt, or affec

stained what he conceived to be the honor of their family by receiving a title and twenty thousand pounds, as a bribe for his three votes against a native parliament-hung his head in mortification and shame, a