Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent / The Works of William Carleton, Volume Two

ews of Religion-Poll Doolin's Honesty-Solomon's Christian

hut, took place on Saturday morning and about twelve on the subsequent Monday, th

Harpur on Saturday," said Val, dryly, and lookin

and honor, my good father,

e deuce could you deem more unlucky than to b

ng an expression of peculiar complacency lurking in his father's eye, it ret

d Phil, "it was a bad busin

s, Phil, a wise man in this world who can turn the misfortunes or crimes of others to his own adv

s I do hell,"

o render that misrepresented gentleman an injustice-that is, if there be such a gentleman-which, with my worthy father, I much doubt. Don't you think now it is a fortunate thing that we can indict Harman for Harpur's murd

ctrine's worthy of an oracle-as,

he contrary, I should wish them to live, if it was only that they might feel my revenge-and that I knew they felt it. I would not hang them if I could, for my own sake." He got p

the conduct of our enemies. M'Slime opposes me in this, because he cannot pocket as much as usual; but though I cannot readily break with him, still, I trust, that in a short time I shall be able to turn his flank in a manner for which he is but little prepared. I have reason to think he is tampering with O'Drive-in fact O'Drive told me as much-O'Drive, however, is at work for me, although honest Solomon does not suspect him.

ribution, as he calls it. Yes, it is called 'The Religious Attorney,' being a reconcilement between

stian. And a very good speculation it proved, for, whereas he was then scarcely able to make both ends meet by mere professional roguery, and dressed in a black gown-which you know he

, now, father, d

more-but the truth is, that neither he nor

's that 'more' you

anged between him and me, that he is to succeed Harman in Be

alth to-night, my old boy-upon my honor and soul you

informations, and have Harman in the stone jug before night. It is a bad case of murder committe

as Darby says, certainly not

uty-master of an Orange Lodge-a Magistrate, and write J.P. after my name-Captain and Paymaster in the Castle Cumber cavalry, and you lieutenant; and though last, not least, thanks to my zea

," replied Phil; "right, capt

eligion and loyalty. You know what I mean, Phil;-not the things, if there be such things, which I must beg lea

ch of religion in our whole composition, have the character

m wrong-the fiction under which our interest appeal's is our religion-that is the way of it; and the truth is, Phil, that ninety-nine men out of every hundred will go ninety-n

rs were not ripe for it. Don't yo

eak of your pre

irl, Papist though she be, if I could; but as that's

go on with it. Are you aware, besid

ory! No-is th

have been at work. It is tottering, Lieutenant M'Clutch

nate for us-but I think, Captain, that you are one of those men

n be no harm in paying him some attention now. You are not a favorite of his; so smooth him down as much as you can. I don't myself expect that he wil

rite with Isabel, or Je

n banishing every one of his relatives from about him? It was neither her interest nor her inclination to keep in with his fri

ed of a sufficiently keen penetration, his own sagacity always checked its display. No man ever puzzled him so thoroughly as O'Drive, who so varied and timed his flattery, as to keep him in a state of perpetual alternation between a perception of the fellow's knavery, and a belief in his simplicity of heart. On one occasion he would exclaim to himself or Phil, "This O'Drive is a desperate knave,-it's impossible that he can be honest;" and again, "Well, well; there is too much simplicity there, too much truth unnecessarily told, to allow me to consider th

port the Protestant interests will meet no countenance from you;-'nor shall he, Mr. M'Clutchy, from you, as my representative,' you add-'and I beg you'"-he went on to road a few lines further-"'to transmit me the names and capacities of all those who are duly active on my property in suppressing disturbance, convicting criminals, and preserving the peace; especially those who are remarkable for loyal and constitutional principles; s

ptain, sure enough; the

iends. Of course you will prosecute him for this diabolical murder; I sent for

, whose head was awfully swollen, and bound up with a handkerchief, "

ston? In point of law he is only a

'm guessin' properly, hell to the much of it was in his blows-look at

hat in this business, and in every business like it, you must have the pleasure at least of reflecting that you have now a magistrate who will see that all due care is taken of your interests-who will accompany your

g life to you, Captain! You're

ed you from your lodg

Hush fair, and didn't get

parade on Wednesday week. Now, it's really too bad to expect that I, or any other gentleman in the country, will exert ourselves so strenuously to sustain and extend our own principles, or! to

e," placing his hand upon his heart, "of the

e, "and sure every one knows it-but, plaise

him for the mu

Harman didn't murder him, Captain-am

e cautious light. He mused for some time; however, and after a second and more deliberate investigation, finding that there were two for the murder and only one against it, he at length took their informations, resolving to bring the matter to trial at all ha

ptain was not a little surprised at reading in on

t be in affluent circumstances, that he will, from principles of Christian sympathy, contribute, or enable some Christian friend to contribute, a moderate donation to some of our greatest public charities. Thus will that which at the first view appears to be serious cala

reconcilement between Honesty and Law; or a blessed Uni

nverted Bailiff; being designed as a companion to The Religious Attorney. These productions need not be sought for with any of the profane

ent column appeared the following; whic

iumph of Rel

f bringing the poor benighted creatures to taste the fruits of a better faith. Nothing, indeed, can equal the bounty of that excellent nobleman, Lord---, who supplies beef and blankets-Bibles and bread-to those who may be likened to the multitude that were fed so miraculously in the wilderness-that is to say, who followed the good shepherd for his doctrine, and were filled with bread. Mr. M'Slime, who has within his own humble sphere not been inactive, can boast at least of having plucked one brand out of the burning, in the person of Darby O'Drive, the respectable bailiff of Valentine M'Clutchy, Esq., the benevolent agent of the Castle Cumber estate-to which Mr. M'Slime himself is law agent. It is understood that on next Sabbath (D.V.) Mr. O'Drive will make a public profession of his faith-or, in other words, "that he will recant the errors of Popery, and embrace those of Protestantism." * The merit of his conversion is due-but merit there is none-to Mr. M'Slime, or rather to his two very popular and searching tracts, called, 'Spiritual Food for Babes of Grace,' and 'The Religious Attorney,' which he had placed for perusal in Mr

has been attribute

orks; but it is much

o the Dea

and in a few minutes the redoubted champion and challenger entered. There was a knavish demureness

g the thing altogether; is it possible that M'Sl

licity; sure you know, sir, I must grow young and inno

f all this work about dis

There's the Rev. Christopher Gammon, Rev. Vesuvius M'Slug, who's powerful against Popery, the Rev. Bernard Brimstone, and the Rev. Phineas Lucre, with many more on the side of truth. On that of Popery and falseho

ous spouting match to t

on next Sunday, sir, I'm to r

ould go to such lengths as that-

doin' it-won't it enable me to get the blind side

that if he has a blind side at

g I'm sartin of, he thinks, now that I'm turnin' by the way, that I'm ready to desart a

s hear

day-but sorra one o' me likes

you rascal,

tter, sir-that your heart, Captain, was full o' desate, and damnably wicked, plase your worship, and that

Val, bitterly, "and although I know him wel

degrees above proof; but never mind; if I d

er-give the hypocritical li

ent and jintlemanly. Sure blood alive, Captain Val, beggin' your pardon, what's the use of a religion if it's not respectable and ginteel? What signifies a ministher of any religion, if he hasn't a fat purse in his pocket, and a good round belly before him, for that shows, plaise your worship, that religion is more than a name, any how; an' upon my conscience-oh, holy Moses, Captain Val, if M'Slime was to hear me swearin' this way! God pardon me! how-and-ever, but upon my conscience, it isn'

red a profane and licentious attachment to a mere Establishment as a high duty, not because that establishment was the exponent of

issertation. Go and deliver the letter,

eye about me, into the bargain. How

antime, altogether repress a smile; and Darby, taking his hat wi

towards the north side of Castle Cumber. Her son Raymond and she were its only inmates, and th

that you've got your supper, you

ust I? answer me that,

goin' out

t brought Phil M'Clutchy here

't tell you t

-never waken-an' what has she now to look at! Mother, I'd give all the cocks I ever had to see him and his white head in his mother

it?-keep the house till I come back, an

ill go?" s

t, you

ke it out o' that-th

ood still, musing with her right hand to her chin. At length she reached the residence of Brian M'Loughlin, just after night had set it-she entered not, but glided about the house, waited, watched, listened, and peeped into the house, very like a thief that was setting the premises. Ultimately she took her stand at a particular window in the rear of the building, where she kept watch with great patience, though for what purpo

nd," sa

l Do

f life and death. Could you come ou

eries. I can raise the window, however, and anything you have to say can be said where we

not know that Mr. Harman is to be tried for murd

can be no doubt of his acquittal. Father Roche has been here, w

I tell you, and this you may rely on, that

ied girl, "you chill the blood in my

e of all opposition-you know his power

nately great, no doubt, and cruelly is it exercised; but st

what packing

getting pale, "I do indeed, Poll.

-hound, to do, but to get twelve Orange

the veracity of her present informant, she knew, from the unfortunate circumstan

he sheriff himself an Orangeman-isn't the sub-sheriff an Orangeman

, still weeping bitterly, "and th

d Poll, "what if I

what can you

Poll, "poor as I

, but

at I have no raison to like a bone in the skin of one o' your family, and that it's more, of coorse, to plaise others than myself that I'm here; but

plied the distracted gi

ound his finger, and in this same business is wil

reathing; indeed, she exhibited strong

st," she replied, "bey

loss of a day may ruin all. Listen Miss M'Loughlin:-Mr. Phil desired me to say to you, that if you will allow him a few minutes' conversation with you beh

she replied, "and imp

knows, it seems, that you have an unfavorable opinion of hi

r to have a moment's hesitation in sacrificing them to his safety. It is certainly a disgusting task to meet this man; but what ought

of striving to save Mr. Harman's life; and observe, because Mr. M'Clutchy i

uld be a strange girl, if you refused to meet him for such a purpo

the stile behind the garden; and may God

s it might be supposed she wo

you are doin'. It'll be a comfort maybe to yourse

tters of her room which she had come to do, retired

hree; the second, Tom, was younger than Mary, who then was entering her twenty-first; and the youngest, called Brian, after his father, was only eighteen. The honest fel

n behind the Slievbeen Mountains that b

"poor James wouldn't be

led a little, yet expressed a certain portion of confidence-"I ho

his bitterest enemy-and we all know what he's capable of doing. His son, too, graceful Phil, is still worse against him t

oloring without exactly kn

it wasn't so much for what he said, fo

aid James, indigna

more honor bright,' and he winked one of his squinting eyes as he spoke. James Harman who was standing behind him stepped forward, 'but I can say more,' said he, 'she's daughter to Brian M'Loughlin, and no acquaintance of yours-and what is more, never will be; ay, and what is more,' said

low," said Phil, "I'll m

emedy too; but you haven't the spirit to take it like a m

ght of him doubly odious to her heart. Her understanding became bewildered, and for a while she knew not what she said or did. Taking a candle and attempting to conceal h

would be neither loss nor risk to them nor to us; but if they press on us out of the usual course, I fear we won't be able to stand it. Then poor Harman, too! heighonee!" After some further conversation, in which it was clear that M'Clutchy's and M'Slime's manoeuvres had begun to develop themselves, Mary rejoined them. Her countenance on her return was evidently more composed, and impressed with a more decided, perhaps we should say, determined character. She had made her mind up. M'Clutchy, junior, wa

case is far from being hopeless. There is Father Roche-as for poor Mary O'Regan, in consequence of her insanity, she unfortunately

the grounds on which she actually did rest her hope

had been; and so far from uttering anything calculated, to depress them, he appea

f punch-the boys and I; there can be no harm surely in drinking a ---; but it's time enough to drink it when we see the l

ot water before them; and Brian, having mixed a tumbler for himself, and

ys; are y

ready

ames Harman may triu

d not say, with an anx

ence between little M'Slime, and that Vulture of hell, M'Clutchy. The little

tain reports, which I was sor

, Mr. M'Slime?

upon my conscience, the little fellow turned up his eyes towards heaven, in a way that would shame Father Roche himself. Faith, if

in a pound,' said I, not wil

arted little saint, 'no my friend, these offers are founded not on my own strength, so to say, but upon those blessed precepts, Mr. M'Loughlin, which teach us to love our neighbors as ourselves-and to do unto others even as we wish they should do unto us.' He squeezed my hand, and whispered in my ear-'As far as three hundred pounds go, should you require it, rely on me; but harkee,' says he, 'and now,'-well, here's his health-'and now,' says he, 'and now,'-oh! I knew he was in earnest-

no every-day offer. I would be glad to hear M'Clutchy make such an offer to any m