Three Men in a Boat

G COMPANION. - A MARRIED WOMAN DESERTSHER HOME. - FURTHER PROVISION FOR GETTING UPSET. - I PACK. - CUSS

ed the food quest

said it was indigestible; but wemerely urged him not to be an ass, and George went on) - "a tea-pot and aket

n to the rudder, impregnating the whole boat andeverything in it on its way, and it oozed over the river, and saturatedthe scenery and spoilt the atmosphere. Sometimes a westerly oily windblew, and at other times an easterly oily wi

he sunset; and as for the moonbeams,

whole town was full of oil. We passed through the church-yard, and itseemed as if the people had been buried in oil. The High Street stunk ofoi

ath (we had been swearing for awhole week about the thing in an ordinary, middle-class way, but this wasa swell

n that is bad enough. You get methylated pie and methylatedcake. But methylated spir

meat, bread and butter, and jam - butNO CHEESE. Cheese, like oil, makes too much of itself. It wants thewhole boat to itself. It goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesyflavou

f mine, buying a couple

iles, and knock a man over at two hundred yards. I was inLiverpool at the time, and my friend said that if I didn't mind he wouldget me to take

a horse. I put the cheeses on the top, andwe started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swifteststeam-roller ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell, until weturned the corner. There, the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses fullon to our steed. It wo

not think they would have done it, even then, had not one of themen had the prese

train wascrowded, and I had to get into a carriage where there were already sevenother people. One crusty old gentleman objected,

, and then the old gen

ose in her

ssive," said t

e third sniff, they caughtit right on the chest

rcels and went. The remaining fourpassengers sat on for a while, until a solemn-looking man in the corner,who, from his dress and general appearance, seemed to be

over a little thing. But even he grew strangelydepressed after we had started, and so, when we reached Crewe, I askedhim to come and have a drink. He accepted, and we fo

?" I said, turn

worth of brandy, neat, if yo

e had drunk it and got into anoth

mpartment to myself, thou

t in here," they would shout. And theywould run along, carrying heavy bags, and fight round the door to get infirst. And one would open the door and mount the steps, and sta

riend's house. When his wifecame into the room

? Tell me the

And I added that I hoped she understood that it had nothing to do withme; and she sai

n he expected; and, threedays later, as he hadn'

ed that he had directed they were to be kept in

he

smelt them?"I thought he had, and added

ave a man a sovereignto take them away and bury them?

struck her

ehas a strong, I may say an eloquent, objection to being what she terms`put upon.' The presence of your husband's cheeses in her house shewould, I instinctively feel, regard as a `put upon'; and it shall neverbe said that I put upon the widow and the orphan.""Very well, then," said my friend's wife, rising, "all I have to say is,that I shall take the children and go to an hotel until those cheeses areeate

a bit of cheese, but it was beyond hismeans; so he determined to get rid of them. He threw them into thecanal; but had to fish them out again, as the bargemen complained. The

o deprive him of his livi

he beach. It gained the place quite areputation. Visitors said they had never noticed before how s

efore, I hold that George was

combined."Harris grew more cheerful. George suggested meat and fruit pies, coldmeat, tomatoes, fruit, and green stuff. For drink, we took somewonderful

eorge harped too much on

he wrong spirit to

lad we took

A glass in the evening when you are doing amouch round the town and looking at the girls is all ri

ot them all together, and met in the evening to pack. We got a bigGladstone for the clothes, and a couple of hampers for the victuals andthe c

id I'd

any of these subjects there are.) Iimpressed the fact upon George and Harris, and told them that they hadbetter leave the whole matter entirely to me. They fell into thesugge

ons, I pushing them aside every now and then with, "Oh,you - !" "Here, let me do it." "There you are, simple enough!" - reallyteaching them, as you might say.

eyes, wherever I went. He said it did him realgood to look on at me, messing about. He said it made him feel that lifewas not an idle dream to be gaped and yawned throug

gand working. I want to get up and superintend, and walk round with my

n't he

seemed alonger job than I had thought it was going to be; but

g to put the boot

e said a word until I'd got the bag shut andstrapped, of course. And George laughed - one of

close it, a horrible idea occurred to me. Had I packed my tooth-brush? I d

et out of bed and hunt for it. And, in themorning, I pack it before I have used it, and have to unpack again to getit, and it is always the last thing I turn out of

t they must have been before the world was created, and when chaosreigned. Of course, I found George's and Harris's eighteen times over,but I

it, and found that I had packed my tobacco-pouchin it, and had to re-open it. It got shut up finally at 10.5 p.m., andthen there remained the hampers to do. Harris sa

George is hanged,Harris will be the worst packer in this world; and I looked at the pilesof plates and cups, and kettles,

s the first thing theydid. They did that just to sh

top of a tomato and squashed it,and they

t irritated them more than anything I could have said. I feltthat. It made them nervous and excited, and they stepped on things, andput things behind

and-twopence worth of butter in my whole life thanthey did. After George had got it off his sl

on a chair, and Harrissat on it, and it stuck to h

down on that chair," said Ge

myself, not a minut

looking for it; and then they metagain

ry thing I ever hea

erious!" s

ound at the back of

ll the time," he exc

ied Harris, s

t you!" roared Georg

off, and packed

sworn at. If he can squirm in anywhere where heparticularly is not wanted, and be a perfect nuisanc

or an hour,is his highest aim and object; and, when he has succ

rgereached out their hand for anything, it was his cold, damp nose that theywanted. He put his leg into the jam, and he worried the teaspoons

like thatdon't want any encouragement. It's the natural, origi

ped nothing would be found broken. George said that if anything wasbroken it was

Harris was to sleep with us t

and Harris had to sl

e outside, J.?"I said I generally

said it

orge

l I wake you fell

ven."

ause I wanted to

over it, but at last split thedi

t 6.30, Geor

beenasleep for some time; so we placed the bath where he could tum