For The Kids, I Stayed

hey constantly asked for money, money I never had, and neither did he. It m

ercing gaze, prayed for us in that slow, drawn-out, overly spiritual tone, and s

beauty on a boy. That I needed a man a man who could fly me abroad, who had class, who could upgrade me. "You should be dining in the clouds, not scraping through mud," h

to pull away, the tighter Felvin clung. He was in love, and I was falling out of it. Felvin refused to improve, while I

Girls were balling. I saw cars come and go, picking girls up, dropping them off. Money moved around me like perf

"Sinach of my time." I raised my hand and screamed "Amen," but then I looked at the choir. They dressed like celebrities, every outfi

We had sex three times in one night, with his roommate lying right beside us. It was intense but shallow. Ubong wanted sex. I wanted love. And like most fine boys

left his place, hungry and disoriented. I bought Gala and Lacasera and walked home, tired and unkempt. A car slowed beside me.

chatting, and he was different mature. Not perfect. His English was patchy, but our conversations had depth. I was exci

was enough for me. He had a future or so I thought. I didn't know I was step

as so excited to see me. I was irritated by how much he had missed me. I reached out to Demma immediately

e so i hung around, he said he had noone so i was left confused without proper explanation. I knew he was heartbroken and all i wanted was to be there for him

ked at him and felt disgusted. I told him we could be friends. He broke. I begged him to let me go. "If you leave me, I'l

tarted flashing again. He didn't ha

was pregnant. Demma took me all around Calabar to investigate. Turned out I wasn't. He gav

E

out. He'd buy me food. We talked. Ubong kep

hen forced himself on me. No romance, no consent. Just penetration. Satisfaction for him, pain for me.

lasses to cook for him, I felt like his wife and i was happy. I frequently visited the pharmacy Demma sent me to that I had heavy discharge and blood. They gave me drugs. I

d, spat insults, called me fat, said he'd never touch me again. I smiled in embarrassment. He left, told me to lock his door on my way out. In my Head I relived the scene of how he woke up irritated and looked at me told me this was not how fat i was when he met

is relationship. It was not how i imagined it to be. I cleaned my tears stood up and locked his door

Angie had relocated to the UK and cut me off. I told Demma. Thought he'd be happy. Instead, he said, "You know what

t three months gone. Demma left me there. Came back with his friend. They made calls, plotted. At some point they stopped the car

A doctor performed a D&C. I woke up, medicated, emotional. I had said so many thin

the abortion, Demma w

did

a strange emptiness-like something sacred had been taken from me, and there was no ceremony to mark it. Just silence. Emmanuel was nowhere to be found. No gen

rap me in his arms and promise we would start over. But instead, I was w

He looked at me like a stranger who had done him a favor. He was cold, distant, barely speaking. He collected the

en say anything. He left and slammed the door. I remember staring at that ceiling, my whole body aching fro

pped me off with some drugs. I texted him later that night

anted me. I bled for weeks. I couldn't tell my mother. I couldn't tell anyone. The few friends I had were too far away or too ca

essages and go silent. I knew what that meant. He was done. And just like

wasn't done

arrassed to even walk past people. I started doubling up on perfumes, tissue paper, washing up to five times a day. I cried one

f I had done a full STI screening. I hadn't. I went t

ast had sex. I couldn't lie. I said, "Just before the D&C." He nodded, disappointed. He prescribed a co

centrate in class. I would sit through lectures hearing the lecturer's voice as static noise. I was always at the back, chewin

bout betrayal, fake love, and loyalty. He blocked me on Facebook an

. I still watched. I

I walked from my hostel to his lodge and knocked on his door. He was s

"I want

tared at him for minutes. He wouldn't look

t too much drama. I can't

ng?" I said, my

keep me? You thought a baby would cage me? I

sharp realization that I had been nothing m

ve with you,

and walked to the door

om. I walked in the rain, soaked to my bones, not even caring.

I remember whispering to God, "If this is li

urtains drawn, barely eating. My roommates noticed but didn't press. Everyone was t

ying in

t about Emmanuel. But about everything-Femeka, Felvin, Pastor Eja,

d with raw emotion, confusion, bitterness,

h validation. With men. With promises of money, love, atte

ded h

e who I was-outside

ins. Not with Felvin or Demma. But w

i forgot my self r