Wedding Night

engagement ring.

ng. It's a plain band with

me into. If Richard doesn

turn it

eep it on his nightstand

nd never mention it. Actu

but I just felt bad that h

l out of a proposal. They

ne knee, they have to ask

d what do we have

," obv

n of marriage proposals

I open my mouth automati

n hastily close

Richard g

beam. "Just .

ring already. I don't mi

antic if he has. On the o

o choose o

a win

lovingly at Richard. We'r

's a new restaurant on th

te marble and vintage ch

legant but not showy. The p

nderstated bride-to-be whi

-up stockings, just in ca

never worn stay-up stockin

proposed

s booked a roo

a ridiculous, out-ofproportion gesture. Nice lunc

s fiddling with his cuffs

his glass. As he sees me w

S

S

ing in code, skirting arou

my chair. This waiting is

t ove

ver with." Of course I don

It's a beginning. A first s

ether. Because we want t

f anyone else we'd rathe

ove him and

eady. This is hopeless. I'

alized what he

Richard. I mean, in a goo

out of the blue. On my last birthday, he hinted for ages that his present was going to be a su

out he'd secretly arranged with my boss for me to have two days off, and when I finally arrived at Stroud, a car whisked me to the most adorable Cotswold cottage, where he was waiting with a fire burning and a

ta

y weren't exactly subtle indications. They were more

t he set up this date and c

question" he had to ask m

rse). Then he started teasi

ppens, I do like it. I do

I'll be very happy to

more roundabout and this

again, at least I k

cided yet?" Richard look

st for an instant I thought he was bein

k down to hide

be "yes." A big, joyful

this place. Marriage. I m

en together, I've deliberat

ll associated subjects (chi

gether at his place, but I s

we go home to our own fam

ew we were good together

rprise birthday trip, tied w

't shout at me) and his wor

way to Norfolk, with broken

with him. I got him. He

nd deliberate. Sometimes

ome to life so suddenly, y

lf asleep under the tree bu

le, leaping around. We co

tu

sense, obviously. In

he was The One. But I a

my experience, the word "m

ctions in a relationship,

i

th Jamie, my first long-

years and I just happened

e we were (twenty-six and

e freaked out and said w

at moment we'd been fine.

of hearing the word "mar

at he couldn't even face

tart to form

er, he was with that red-

amus. Seamus, with his sex

wrong with him. We were

ng-else-in-life-matters be

in about twenty-four hours. It was toxic. Too many state-of-the nation summit

year, and when I look back, it's as though that se

t lasted two years too, bu

elationship. I suppose bot

o Blay Pharmaceuticals and

get partnership at his acc

properly-we just dri

and it's the same for both

e even asked me out on a d

someone now and really ha

The guy sitting opposite m

ay

ter-looking than any of m

e's gorgeous.) He works h

t as rich as Julian, but w

s laugh that makes my spir

ever since we went on a

e his temper with peopl

over our relationship, I d

ace, like with Julian. I s

s and smiles. Happy tim

the climax of the montage

es a deep

him. I want this to go be

fell in love with their fath

pos

n. Our home

nd the images, I feel a re

years old and I'm ready.

ject of marriage. My frie

me-scene cordon around th

use if you do, you've jin

cks

o jinx. I can feel the lo

Richard's hands. I want to

erful man. I'm so lucky.

perhaps we'll walk up th

k God we found each oth

ers? Love is so random. So random. It's

ticed my damp eyes. "Hey

t's

re honest with Richard t

ot a good idea to reveal m

says I think in Hollywood

people can't hear

s. "Nothing. I just wish

ight to an assignment in

I'll miss him terribly. In

dding to plan which

I can't bear it." He rea

kype eve

ze his hands back

to remember that, if I'

u're saying. Inc

s eyes gives away the fac

d we Skyped, I started g

, forgetting that Richard

as liable to walk past a

dn

tip." I shrug,

u. So you might not wa

"Maybe just a transparen

mp

my hands more tightly.

. I will never, ever get

to

clears his throat. "I hav

hey're going to explode

ghts are spinning wildly.

... Concentrate, Lottie ...

rong wit

own at it

up stockings" is a liar a

well stayed up. It's col

stic "adhesive" strip flap

de

e rest of my life looking back and thinking, It wa

I cut him off. "Ju

down and yank the stockin

Now I have both flapping

ot believe my marriage pr

uld have gone

looks a little baffled

bl

s'," I mutter. "I'm sorry.

t for a na

you

embarrassment. "I've had

to see. Will

ts his head. I push my c

the looks of other lunchti

it. It's a fl

of the Ladies', wrench o

self in the mirror, my hea

ut my propo

n hold. As though we're in

and I've got all the time

want to

don't need, because

d headband turns to peer

, standing motionless wit

a

r there." She nods

y have the urge to share

end's in the middle

omen at the mirrors

he middle of'?" demands

arrowed. "What's he

tocking catastrophe." I wa

us

ays someone i

there quick," says the r

hance to cha

he blond girl. "Can we

" says her friend. "Has he h

't thi

n old woman with metal-

She's waving her hands

enser. "Why do they inve

th a bar

e," says the redheaded gi

too

nd stocking, and, since I'

e legs. I don't want to loo

about the scaly shins.

t Fliss. I

doing

her reply appe

exting me in the mi

'. Taking

a great couple. Give

! Talk

he blond girl as I put aw

ut of the Ladies', then r

k guy in the corner? He'

a makeup eraser pen. "

nably at her and start to

estnut hair is swept up i

down so it tumbles over

me

I pull some tendrils ou

thing else. Lipstick: nic

ut my blue eyes. Blusher

ll be flushed

uld propose," says a lo

stfully. "What

g I could be more helpfu

now we're compatible,

e've been living together, the s

him," says the b

e a year." The long-hair

twitchy and we drop it.

t's been si

an looks up from drying

h y

ir flushes. "Nothing's wr

a private c

woman gestures briskly

ne's li

edhead looks emba

y!" The old woman regar

le creatures. The minute th

l, you've handed him his ki

that," says the long-

ot married because th

e old woman gives a brisk

nd living together and t

nt." She picks up her bag.

aitin

ooks of apology, then dis

l exchange raised ey

uringly, and squeeze the g

want to spread the joy.

d I have had: finding the

t

ous effort to gather her

ery happy li

er pen back to the blond

ck

adies' and survey the bust

play. There's Richard, si

im. He's not even checkin

as I am. The most speci

lide into my chair and

Shall we pick up w

I can tell he's lost a

ly. "It's such a special day," I say

tely."

I gesture around. "The pe

lk

ly on the table, and, as

He takes a deep

e, there's something I w

"I don't think this will com

God, here

ice is a ner

for the

and my head jerks up. A

iced him. Almost before I

bout brown soda bread. I

. Couldn't the waiter tell

proposal

thrown off track too. Stup

boyfriend'

gly, as soon as the wa

sti

s on me and takes a de

n round in surprise, to se

fair, I suppose it's what

-I'm barely aware of wh

ther one will be back, any

w's he supposed to propos

o men

ning at him wryly

rea

ll be along in a mi

s here." He rolls his eyes

in this together. Who ca

rfect, staged moment? "Sh

a

knowing smile. "Would that

ou t

" He raises his eyeb

, I don't know whether I

ious length of time, eking it out for bo

an see the tension flood

's so unassuming. He's s

etting

ard, yes," I add for emp

ow how much this means to

to

and it's as though we ha

er couples, who have to s

connect

lent. I can feel a cloud o

here forever. I can see us

corating a Christmas tree

ome and stay for Christmas,

the first thing I'll do whe

x. She'll adore helping wit

got a mother of

many plans. So much glor

ently rubbing his fing

re happy." He c

or ages." I sigh contented

like ... what will it be li

at you mea

this room. I'll always

." I squeeze his

" he say

d is, he can convey so m

He doesn't need to say muc

si

girl watching us from ac

a triumphant smile, becaus

, gratef

, sir? Mademoiselle?" Th

m up

need some

back at me. "The house

art for a spec

st sharing our joy. "It's a very sp

elier's face creases int

!" We both turn to Richar

t of the moment. He's stari

y does he look so s

is strangled. "W

's upset. Of course. Trus

pin

d you want to tell your pa

derstand. We won't tel

ide-eyed and starey. "Lo

certainly. "You just propo

He yanks his h

d here. The sommelier has

ay the waiter with the

ching

I have no idea what you'

his hair. "I haven't menti

nyth

t you meant! When you o

I said, 'With all my heart,

uti

g for him to agree, longi

s baffled, and I feel

meant?" My throat is so t

s happening. "You di

opose!" he says forc

so loudly? Heads are p

ryw

nose with my napkin. "Y

restau

washing over me. I'm ri

t this

oposing, then why w

hard is talking almost to

've never di

t and indignation are eru

nizing a 'spe

defensively. "I'm going t

liked your surname! Y

raw poll at the office!"

s chit

had to ask me a

n." He shakes his

'big qu

e between us. The cloud o

and swooping violins h

st onto the corner of the

ay at last. "This reall

sti

ped. "It's not imp

on, te

lly. "I was going to ask

hought maybe we c

lashing out. "You booked a

o talk abou

inces. "Lottie, I feel ter

ely zer

bloody conversation abo

stroking your hand and say

ment for ages. And you we

nk I was ta

ling as though searching

u know. Going o

'?" I stare at him. "Wh

t st

desperate. "The truth is

n a sudden confessional rus

al

al

ken. I thought we had a sp

we had a private code. An

ing

ds in front of us and qu

ood to talk. I pick up my

ven seem to have

gement ring," I say,

uries his head

. I'll tak

tured. "Do we have to ...

move away from th

get married?" As I ask th

ago I thought I was engag

inishing tape, arms up in

up my shoes, wondering

I dunno." He sounds bel

swiveling more and more

tual

much clearer signal. Mayb

se, one day.

air comes over me. I beli

I have got it so wrong? I

anything

my salad for a few mome

ado and pomegranate seeds

chard, I do want to get mar

d I wanted them with you.

breathing hard but determ

I know the truth sooner r

, an

in alarm. "Wait! This d

too old to be on a waiting

rather know now and mov

scles have stopped wor

tter go." Tears are edgin

ck to work and check on my

ff, but what's the point?

the joyful ne

I feel a hand grabbing m

ith the beaded headb

demands excitedly. "D

fe stabbing in my heart. H

end anymore. But I'd ra

hin proudly. "Actually, he

and shoots

he eye of the long-haired

he next table.

s so incredulous that I f

antly. "I said 'No.' We we

cision to end it. Even thou

s and a dog and

my back, and I swivel rou

he whole bloody rest

s rising in distress. "I

still sitting at the table

ou're in love with me an

now. But the

it better, I stride o

d my desk littered with n

as out. I slump down at

ar a cough. Kayla, my inte

hovers round my door a lo

me a two-sided Christmas

how she would never ha

t for the talk I gave at Br

admit. As recruitment s

anie

h?" Her eyes

id I tell her Richard wa

e a kick, seeing her excitem

erw

estaurant." I start to rif

ching for some vital

e you e

juice sprinkled on sore

raight out, "Are you engag

ring, which clearly I'm no

yla has some trouble wo

nda

acket, playing for time,

y, no. Actually, I

She sounds

. "Absolutely. I concluded

r point, this was

"But ... you guys we

as simple as they appear,

qui

ave been d

a pause. "Yup. Pretty cru

'll never see Richard agai

geon to the stomach, the e

All of it. I'll never have s

ll never hug him again. So

kes me wan

nspiring." Kayla's eyes a

r career, and to have the

on't do what eve

tely. "I was making a st

ve to conclude this conve

in the bursting-into-tear

art

s?" I scan the Post-it

he presentation tomorro

ll

n w

He said y

st Ben." It'll be some c

o get a foot in the door. I'

t

go over my presentation.

l she leaves. Deep breat

e on, m

ck it up with a sweeping

tte Gra

e! It'

o put the receiver st

iss." I swa

how ar

te in her voice and curse

ted her from t

pressure. Why did I ever

n tell her I was dating Ri

start talking

ody. Nada. Zip. Not until we've been blissfully ma

. Then, and only then, w

at? I met someon

a breezy, matter-of-fac

this end

angling. I know exactly w

assive diamond ring and

sucks your toes in so

can't bear to talk about i

ind another topic.

und bright and nonchalant

ly should get round to doi

an, what am I waiting for? I could apply to Birkb