Wedding Night

I feel like a sportsman in the zone. I feel like a conv

mazing

o my resolution regardin

stupid resolution. Dinne

sticky situation. This co

down me, I'm having the

nnected Ben and I are. I

ff, as if the last decade

re young and big-eyed. Sh

re everything the world ha

play he'd seen the week b

s (I didn't mention that

ing since then. There's s

mem

ious list of who-what-w

onships, any of that boring

t do you do?" or "Is your

get a pension?" I

nows I'm single. That's

ot more than I have. He

in Greece. He keeps spark

the poker tournament. I'd

about the night we played

moment Ben reminds me,

n a vivi

ing up my nose, trying t

name ... oh

and high-fives me.

given Big Bill a thought,

the corner of the terrace,

cings than I'd ever seen

th a needle. He had a rea

ched and cheered whil

eyes briefly. "I've never

lif

chimes in Ben. "Rem

never

ins reminiscently.

d him and hung on his every word. He was the most

om attending Harvard to

round the world and endi

uld sit every night in the

about the time he had lu

. He'd had so many advent

e night and weeping on hi

amazing stuff. (I can't

was a

er the

I groan. "How

on top of a cliff. To ge

et into the cliff. We used

day. No wonder

h? Whatever ha

at did she

Silky skin." He seems t

ughter. You mus

bout hearing descriptions

t s

veling before you came.

d videos of Dirk and Sal

h th

ly!" I exclai

partners on the block,"

-over

I join in, doing the Di

single Dirk and Sally ep

as the only box set of vid

g on apart from Greek ne

ings. It's a 1970s detecti

ice school and decide to

artners. Nobody knows exc

ng to expose th

sitting with Ben on that

gled up, both wearing esp

y while everyone else

kidnapped by the neighbor,

comes to live with them,

asking him where he lear

in the pea

y God

a moment, lo

seen Dirk and Sally," sa

t

ugh the truth is, I'd pret

l he mentione

oughts have moved

meet his eyes and it al

ith hot, teenage-level de

ther. And then again. Ever

ound the bay. You had to ge

n would sail us there, say

ook. And I would sit there

st panting wit

the table. Ben's thinkin

there. He looks as i

through the flu," he

tten

ber nursing him throug

m sure I did, if he says

, because it would ruin the

sang me to sleep. I was

ough the night." He takes

ttie. Maybe I went off the

n my

s so romantic. I'm quite

o ask him would spoil th

s. Then they come back on

were doing

ft hand. "How come you

yw

he right guy,"

ike you? Should be

." I laugh, but for the

And all of a sudden-I can'

, which is weird, because I never go to the opera no

gala of Tosca and he was in

oment I saw him with som

hadn't even met him and I

out champagne, and then

introduced," and I nearly

y

agical. He wasn't with the

switched seats to be next

ary, and I thought we'd do

li

for telling the story at

y saying

g at me. "I'm sorry. I'

on

y and blink. "Just ... ev

ods fervently as though

th. "Lotts, do you feel as

slug of wine. "Yes,

hen we were out there,

o space. "I had clarity. B

orroded. Corrupted. Every

s no escape. There's no

Let me work ou

" I nod e

int of my life. Greece.

ory. "Just the two of us

Is it the same for you? Was

fe

d over the last fifteen y

ere, but in general I have

ink all night with no ha

that

ly. "Best

gether, Lottie? Why di

rug. "Bath–Edinburgh.

crap reason." He looks

geography" conversation

oing to Bath. It was only a matter of time before it

the s

ere weird, anyway. Everyt

ifferent guest houses, al

actually arrived on the

t passports. I remembe

na with two very smart-look

was

meet once in London?"

had to go to Norman

sharply. "I should have b

is eyes suddenly focus on

s I think, what an idiot I

stupid

ghty somersault and I al

s kind of hoping he might

His blue eyes are bori

last, and take a

had a relationship better

the table with his fist. "

ould have said, Fuck un

at might have happened

the last fifteen years no

think

ath away. I don't quite kn

halibut in

y now. We might have k

ing to himself, popping

I can'

?" I say before I

ed a guy on a first date i

not a first date. If it's an

irst. And, anyway, it's

tent gaze lands on me agai

to the park,

spring to my eyes. "I'm

d into my head yet again.

at fantasy I used to have

lmost savagely, I open my evening bag and reach fo

was not

eem to have noticed. He r

ady finished the bottle, I

we man

t?" His voice tak

w

my body. My lungs are s

d remember the pact. I wasn

y promise we made once.

icu

He's looking at me frankl

ious. No. He ca

hroat tight. "We said if w

irty-t

I feel a fresh jolt. His f

f my shoe. "My flat's ne

in starts tingling all ove

know where w

where I want to head? Wh

tt

e dessert menu?" The wait

up and I take the chance

e

.. th

, my cheeks beating wit

at do I do no

me to rein in. I'm playi

e sense of déjà vu, of th

tt

nships have started like

over my body. Nice underw

s sex. (Or terrible sex, th

k a medic would be a bit

ditched him f

inning is never the p

nviction I've never felt

ng. Break the patt

sing the inside of my wrist, but I gno

s up, his mouth against

his is meant to happen. Y

orous, drunken sexy look

surrender and have a sizzli

I deserve i

ance of more than a grea

What d

help if my head

and." I pull my arm away

n't just want a shag. I wa

t. I want to plan a life t

hole

ently. "Weren't you liste

re burning into mine. "Lot

o

feel a rush of tears aga

topped loving him either.

of low-level, steady love.

g back up into f

oice trembling with sudd

fiftee

nging to my hand. "We wer

o

overwhelming me. Talk a

bout oohs and aahs. We we

found each

lost time." He crushes

His words are like balm.

delicious. For an instan

can't bear this one to go

way. "Don't! Ben, I know

t bear it.

ut?" He stares at me, baf

fin

. Kish your fingersh. But,

has brushed away the cru

my voice lowere

s my fingers. I kiss your fingers. We have sex. It's

s. Maybe we buy a sofa tog

s two years later and we sh

've gone off the boil. W

's hor

sery at our fate. It's so

ered by the scen

ing me warily. "Well ... w

il

lways happens!" I gaze at

e boil with too m

't buy a booksh

unny, but I'm serious. I'v

ize. Dating is not the solut

Dating is

went off the boil with th

ren't the right

you're the

Jesus! What will it tak

"OK! You win. We'll do it the oldfash

. "You don't have

. Will you

take a sl

. Will you

op

he's speaking more loud

ok over

irritably. "I

out of his seat, kneels d

r diners tur

pounding. No

begins, swaying slightly.

you, and now I'm back her

fe has been darkness wit

ll you do me the honor

ng over me. I feel as if I'

He's actually pr

"Not that drunk. Will yo

more!" I give a half laug

now where you live, I don'

h. To be as happy as I w

nd shag your brains out

s been years, but it's still

they always did.

hard, my head ringing. But

oy or an a

as a chance he was still in

e's held a torch for me, a

A noise is playing at the

ybe this is it. MAYBE THI

is

d try to fight a way thro

st think this through caref

Do I fancy him? Hell, yeah

about a poten

pierced?" I ask with su

ally aren'

shirt in a theatrical gest

mm. Brown. Taut. He's a

say 'Yes.'" Ben spreads

do, Lottie, is say 'Yes.'

we think too much. Let's n

h time. We love each o

ach other. And he wants

d anything so beautiful

rying to stay rational, bu

ng me into bed? Is this the

am I a

ink so," I

think

give me

the Ladies'; I have to thi

in mind that the room is s

like it has

make it work? How can I not fall into the same pred

tion

d starts ranging over oth

ings. I've stood in so m

tick, thinking, Is this T

y fizzy. So where did I

t can I not do t

book I was looking at t

Change direction. That so

now the words of that ma

my head. What did she say

ve found their kill, they e

after all. Maybe

y hair. In a flash of insp

solution. I, Lottie Grave

the opposite of what I'

fri

rror. I look a little wi

ated before, I'm euphoric

ame-changing subatomic pa

ht. I'm

taurant, staggering a litt

ta

," I sa

ha

No sex." I sit down.

asted, but I just smile se

ll wait. And there'll be n

est part is, we'll have t

nited and blissed out. E

uld

g open. I picture him nak

ose petals. Just the

is face has complet

be different. I want to

We want to make

ved you." He shakes his he

ted, L

ing to start anoth

wait a bit longer. And

ght. Think about it. We'll

ing." I reach under the t

e of his leg. His face is t

n

f us talks. Let's say w

eren

at last, his voice thi

, I unbutton my top a co

mum view of my uplift br

seems unable to speak. "

ily. "On the beach? W

wearing protective knee

my mind, Ben closes his

e kill

e a sudden memory of us a

ouse, lit only by the fli

nd

are? Do you realize how

my hand and starts nibbl

it away. My entire body see

I want them everywhere. I

ould I hav

ays at last. My toes are s

that he's enjoying it. All

g night

l die of frustra

xplode." He takes my thu

sensation rockets through

r will be telling

chard hears

s nothing to do with Richar

sweeping romantic story

a bit part

his is rushed. But it feel

heart, then this is like som

Richard. I was meant to b

I get a wedding ring and

e wasn't a thousand pounds

'm breathing more and mo

tand

we get marri

desperate. "Real