A Maid and a Million Men

iden's

the Court Jester while the Head-Man so far forgot himself, under the influence of the chorus of angelic yessers, as to do sleight-of-hand tricks with the Vital Sta

to go in the other direction if you want to appreciate good jokes. Why, up there in Heaven, the whole court thought this was a wow, judging by the celestial thunder-peals of glee which accompanied the parlor tricks, but if y

ld have been a girl while I was a girl who should have been a boy. The Head-Man certainly proved himself a magician; he scrambled our souls and temperaments and everything else s

her and an even number for me. After seeing some of the other shipments that went out on my birthday, I'll believe anything's possible. I recently met a man, born on that same day, who sniffs like a rabbit, eats like a pig, walks like a woman and brays like an ass; and I know a woman who would be a cat if she had a tail. The Clerk must have been on the party, too, and maybe had a little too much nectar besides. Anyway, th

after we made our début in 1899. In fact, he became so successful that he never stayed long enough in any one city for us to become conspicuously familiar to even our nearest neighbors. He was always on the move, organizing new projects, developing new enterprises, rescuing his own and others' investments and turning everything to profit. He w

lly for us and for her on condition that she take charge of us and supervise our education. He gave Aunt Elinor carte blanche in all matters except one: he stipulated that we must receive, aside from whatever cultural finish she might provide, a thorough training in some practical occupation, in order that we might be able to

s; we developed a certain amount of artistic creativeness and appreciativeness. And yet Aunt Elinor did not neglect the kind of training which Dad advised: indeed, I think he was rather proud of us, for we really did become quite proficient after studying stenography, typewriting, business English, commercial law, filing, and lots of other purely commercial subjects and had made them still more valuable by having mastered three foreign languages; so that at the age when most American boys and girls are completing high sch

literature and literary people that could possibly help him develop, while Leona, the big "I," being somewhat of a dancer and having been remarked upon by some really competent theatrical people, was promptly given over to the best dancing master available, after which my life

s very much of a tomboy while Leon was an ethereal-spirited, effeminate, poetic soul who cringed from all physical matters and even resented having to be near my dog Esky, who worshiped the very ground I walked on and evinced not uncertainly his suspicions of people who were too nasty nice to play with a pup now and then. Leon wasted no love on Esky and once declared that the pup's mother must have been promiscuous. Well

, for I discovered that Vyvy Martin, one of Wakeham's deep-eyed débutante beauties, was more or less Leon's soul mate. One was about as dizzy as the other, so they made a perfect couple, entirely sufficient unto themselves-a condition which must, I suppose, be called Love. But you can imagine how I looked upon Leo

oled myself by making the aforementioned complaints to the Creator. Every time Aunt Elinor entertained, I had to perform for the benefit of the guests, and afterwards everyone would feed her a lot of slush about my "remarkable talent for the dance." You might have thought I was some kind of thoroughbred dog, the way they studi

at first sight-principally because she thought that if I cultivated his friendship he could help me along in my career. My Aunt was not exactly a hand-shaker; she just had rather continental ideas about matrimony: marriage was a material affair to her. She would have been in ecstasies if I had married Jay-Jay and she used to tell him the most awful lies about my habits and disposition, et cetera. She tried all the traditional tricks of the match-maker, but I had my doubt

ious, but this Jay-Jay was one of the kind that you immediately suspect. Free and easy about everything, always immaculate, always flush and always conniv

s trains. When the son sinks in the best of regulated families, he's usually reverting to the type of his pioneer ancestors who had to take both life and love in their two fists. Most blue blood was originally red of flaming hue, and when families begin to forget that fact, you can lay odds that the deep old ro

suspects that a man is about to assault her on the least provocation, she naturally gets a thrill out of the dare, and I was normal in that respect even though all the rigmarole of in

He could usually be depended upon to get intoxicated and he always took advantage of every opportunity for making love to me, but all this was

f indigent members of the theatrical profession. It was Aunt Elinor's suggestion that Leon and I dress in identical costumes, therefore it was really her fault that Jay-Jay and Vyvy had a difficult time distinguishing us from each other, because my hair was tucked up and completely con

assumed that the one he chose was I. She promptly pounced upon the other-and it really was I. Before I could quite recover from the shock, she had swirled me into the crowd

re hanging from the gates of paradise and feared to let go for even a second. It was "O Leon, love!" or "O Leon, darling!" or "You exquisite thing!" or something equally romantic and foolishly se

strain was broken by Jay-Jay pouncing unceremoniously upon us, with Leon trailing in the rear. Both were rather fussed up over the incident, although Leon appeared to feel that the joke was really on Jay-Jay. We all laughed over it, but Jay-Jay didn't think it was so funny. At first he claimed that he knew it was Leon from the start, but I could tell from t

love birds had had a tiff about something, they were so chilly, but I soon discovered that Vyvy wasn't any more certain than Jay-Jay as to which of us was which. The discovery came when Jay-Jay suddenly declared, "If I pull off your hat and you've got short hair, you're not the one I think you are," and

rrible shock to me at the time and resulted in a wrestling match which assumed such proportions that the chauffeur so far forgot himself as to imitate Lot's wife. We weren't on speaking terms whe

complete washouts from my point of view and led me to ask Jay-Jay why, with so many well-known and interesting people on his list of acquaintances, he persisted in messing himself up by

mplated resolving never to dance again except on a ballroom floor. All this divine artistry stuff always has given me anatomical discomfort and there never was anyone interesting in those crowds of hairy-jawed winebibbers. They

rhaps that was the way you were supposed to act when you're twenty-seven. I know that I frequently consoled myself with the thought that if I were a man, just for a night, I'd go out and deliberately d

st because his father was prominent in the show business, he himself was something very special and deserved respect from everyone. He was neither brilliant nor exceptional in any way and I doubt

stage career. However, that phase of the matter meant absolutely nothing to me. I refused to make a hand-shaker of myself, even for Art's sake-which r

recedence in the mind of any girl in my position. As long as he wanted to keep up the chase, I was willing to be chased. There was a very clear distinction, according to my precocious maidenly philosophy, between girls who let themselves be pursued and those who allow

Jay had a broadening influence upon me: he introduced me to risqué anecdotes and bedroom ballads; I heard all the conventional off-color jokes that are in existence and a few that were quite unconventionally original; I became sophisticated in a certain way, after discovering that when some man tried to tell you that "every bowlegged girl is pleasure bent" or some other such

begun to be resigned to the fate of being a girl. I had the feeling most of the time tha

d-just for something to do that would be different. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the certainty that if she ever saw how disgustingly unsteady

ink more than he could handle. I wanted to see him completely piffed-I figured that if he once got utterly pickled it m

them. He didn't have time to take a drink. It was a terrible evening for me. I wouldn't have minded being proud of him, if the facts warranted it; but how anyone could feel other than ashamed of a brother who would read the stuff he read-and then boasted of writing-was beyond me. The

ll ossified, so naturally Jay-Jay was in his element, the more so because all the people were of the theater and knew him as his father's son. That one evening convinced me that show people are worse handshakers than politicians and my escort gave me acute shooting pains with his self-satisfied manner. He simply exuded manly confiden

o keep and it also occurred to me to wonder why he never had asked me to marry him.... Thinking it over afterwards, I concluded that it was his idea that one marries only as a last resort, after all other attempts have failed.... And I concluded also that the chief reason he was so eager in pursuit of me lay in the fact that h

y combat. I wasn't mad-I just simply knew that I couldn't possibly give up anything to him. I wanted to be chased, but I'd be damned before I'd be caught. When I got home I looked as if I had been through a wringer, and that devil act

es to read to a pajamaed Vyvy in bed at night, the whole business of love and love-making struck me so funny that I could laugh at my own little difficulties and regain some of my customary indifference. A few days later when Jay-Jay called again, I let him apologize-even let him get away with exc

. He couldn't dance because of a game leg, so I gladly did my bit by sitting out with him and letting him talk. He positively stirred me all up inside and I think that if we had been alone somewhere, I would have fallen into his arms. That's how he affected me-which was mighty strange, considering how I

suffered the tortures of hell every time the World War was mentioned. They both seemed like worms to me. I couldn't understand their attitude at all. And I once more cried out against the fate which had made me a girl instead of a boy. I sent up prayer after prayer and called on the Lord to do something about it all. It

t a couple of Yankees had finally got