How did love became love

"Hyung,

I hope this letter finds you when I am already too far away from here, maybe while you are having breakfast with that cup you love so much or while you are trying to choose which book to read next. I have imagined this moment many times, I have built a different one in my mind each time, but the truth is that I don't know what you are doing now. And maybe that's okay. Not knowing gives me the excuse to imagine you happy.

It hasn't been easy writing this letter to you. I could never find the courage to put down on paper what's inside me but now that I'm in this silence, away from the house we shared, from the nights we talked until late, your smiles that always pretend to be indifferent, I just can't hide anymore.

I've been a coward, hyung, and maybe I still am, because I'm choosing to tell you all this only now that you can't look me in the eyes. But it's also true that, if I had stayed, I would never have made it. I'm scared, Wonwoo. I'm scared of how things will change between us because I know they will change forever and as much as I try to imagine that everything will stay the same, that we could continue to share the same roof and live in our quiet routine, I know it won't be like that. I'm tired to pretend and I know that something is going to break between us, no matter how hard I try to stop it.

How love did become love ? I don't know for sure but I remember exactly the moment I understood it. It was one of those evenings, we were having dinner after practice. You were eating fried chicken and drinking that iced plum tea you like so much. You were telling me about that glass that you had bought on purpose because it can hold the entire can, with that quiet enthusiasm of yours that always manages to make even the simplest thing special. I looked at you, I listened to you, I saw you laugh and suddenly the world stopped. In that moment I understood that it wasn't just affection what I feel towards you, it wasn't just friendship. Something more was growing inside me and I couldn't ignore it.

Maybe it's for the best that I'm not around because I don't think I am ready to see your face as you read these words. I'm not ready to see the rejection in your eyes, that smile fading from your lips as you try to find something to say to me so as not to hurt me. I know myself, Wonwoo. I know that moment would break me and you don't deserve to carry the weight of a wound I left you, even if that wound is me.

I love you, hyung. I've loved you for so long.

I love you when you distractedly correct the way I fold my shirts, when you fall asleep with your glasses still on your nose and a book open on your chest. I love you when you pretend to be grumpy but always end up doing exactly what you know will make someone happy. I love you, even though I know this is probably not what you want or what you ever imagined to read.

And it's not your fault, I understand. This love is mine alone, it's a burden that I have to carry, not you. I don't want this letter to make you feel guilty or think that you've done something wrong. You've only ever done good in my life and that's a truth that no one can take away from me. You've been my refuge when everything else seemed to be falling apart. You've been my home, hyung. And you still are.

So maybe it's better that I left before telling you this. Maybe it's best for you to read these words when I'm who knows where, when you can't look at me and ask me questions or feel the weight of my gaze on you.

I want you to have time to breathe, to think, to be free to feel what you want without the weight of my expectations. I don't want anything from you, Wonwoo. I'm not asking you to feel what I feel. I just want you to know the truth. And I want you to know that no matter how much it hurts, I'm grateful for everything you've given me. For every laugh, every argument, every moment we spent together.

I don't know where life will take me but I know that your name will be engraved in me, always. I hope that, wherever you are, you'll be happy. You deserve it more than anyone else.

With all my heart,

Mingyu"

Wonwoo sits on the blue couch, the same couch that he had hated so much when Mingyu bought it - too big, too bulky, the bright color clashing with the light beige walls - but which now seems to be the only place where he could find comfort. His knees are pulled up to his chest, his hands clasped around that letter that he had now learned by heart, whose edges are a little worn and soft under his fingers, yet he continues to trace them as if he were looking for a truth between the folds that would hurt less than usual.

Seungcheol's words still echo in his mind, heavy as a boulder, "Mingyu is back, we should have dinner all together like old times". It was the news Wonwoo had once dreamed of hearing, a reunion he had envisioned countless times. But now, as reality set in, those same words filled him with dread. For months, he had imagined Mingyu's return, clinging to the hope that time would ease the knot in his chest, that the ache would somehow fade. And yet, now that the moment had finally arrived, the weight of it was suffocating. Wonwoo can't breathe.

Mingyu had been away, so far away that he now seems like a faded shadow, a memory confined to the past. The military navy had taken him away for almost two years, leaving him to wander the world, far from Seoul. Wonwoo, on the other hand, had stayed behind with a routine too ordinary and a military service that had allowed him to return to the warmth of his home every night. That home, full of silence that Mingyu had left behind, had become a prison of memories. Every corner spoke of them: the kitchen with the yellow plates he had chosen himself, the bookcase full of novels Mingyu never read but that he insisted on rearranging for him, that blue couch... damned blue couch.

Mingyu was back.

The thought hits him like a cold wave and yet Wonwoo also feels wrapped in a subtle sadness because Mingyu had chosen not to return to that place that had been their refuge for years, he had chosen to let Seungcheol know about his discharge first, probably Minghao already knew too, he might have stayed at his parents until now and that thought perhaps... hurts him more than Wonwoo himself wanted to admit.

It was as if that return belonged to everyone, except him.

Wonwoo drops the letter on the couch and stares at the ceiling that seems to loom over him, as if the room wants to crush him under the weight of his own fears. Anxiety wraps him in a suffocating grip, growing with each passing second. He actually doesn't want to go to that dinner, Mingyu's silence on his discharge date, him not coming back home, was already an answer to why that meeting would cause more harm than good. Wonwoo convinces himself that not attending the night with his friends would be the better choice for everyone involved. A simple lie, something small and believable, like a sudden bout of the flu, would spare them all the awkwardness, the unspoken questions hanging thick in the air.

Mingyu wouldn't have to pretend to bear his presence, wouldn't have to force those polite smiles that barely masked the discomfort. And Wonwoo, in turn, would avoid the confrontation that terrifies him, the one he's not sure he has the strength to face. It's easier this way, isn't it? To sidestep the inevitable pain, to bury it beneath layers of avoidance and self-preservation.

It's perfect, he thinks, convincing himself that's the right decision but when his phone buzzes next to him, cutting sharply through his spiraling thoughts, Wonwoo lets out a long, exasperated sigh because he knows full well that there's no way Lee Seokmin would let him off the hook that easily that day.

"Hello ?" he answers bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hyung! Did you hear the good news ?" Seokmin's shrill voice says on the other end of the line and Wonwoo feels himself sinking into the pillows again, "Mingyu is free from the navy!"

"Yeah, Seungcheol told me" he says, trying to keep a neutral tone.

"Aren't you happy ?" he chuckles, "Finally you can stop moping around and pretend you actually didn't miss that big boy"

His words hit Wonwoo like a punch to the stomach. Was he happy ? He doesn't know for sure, he couldn't even answer that question for himself. The thought of Mingyu being around again fills him with a whirlwind of emotions he can't quite name but beneath it all, he fears that Mingyu's return could only be the prelude to losing everything, the beginning of the end.

"I am" Wonwoo lies, leaving a bitter taste on his lips but that's all he can say at that moment, "I really am, even though... I don't think I'm coming to the dinner tonight" he says with his phone still glued to his ear, desperately looking for an excuse that sounds believable, "I don't feel very well"

Seokmin sighs loudly and Wonwoo can almost see him shaking his head with that half-amused, half-exasperated smile, "Oh come on, Wonwoo, don't be a lone wolf just now. It's our tradition to have dinner together when someone comes back from the military and of all people... you can't miss out, Mingyu would be upset"

It would only do Mingyu good.

"You haven't seen each other yet, right ?" Seokmin asks, "He has been back for a few days now"

"We haven't" Wonwoo murmurs, "I guess he stayed at his parents, he didn't come by and... didn't text me at all"

"Oh ? That's unusual" he says after a pause, "Seungcheol-hyung said he came to visit him yesterday, they had a beer together"

His lips tightening to keep his disappointment from showing. Mingyu had come to Seungcheol's place but he hadn't come by, hadn't even mentioned him, "Really ?" he finally manages, his voice neutral, a tumult brewing inside him, "Well, I guess he didn't have much time"

"Maybe you're right, you know how Mingyu is after all -" Seokmin says but there is a doubt in his voice that Wonwoo chose to ignore, "He is so full of friends, I guess everyone is excited to see him"

"I guess so..."

"Anyway, Wonwoo, you can't miss tonight. Really. It'll be nice to have everyone together again"

Wonwoo rubs his temple, torn between the desire to disappear and the knowledge that Seokmin wouldn't let go that easily. The thought of all those eyes on him, the unspoken questions, make him shiver already. "Okay, I'll come" finally he says with a resigned sigh.

"Great! See you there then"

Wonwoo ends the call and holds the phone in his hands for a while longer as if that simple gesture could help him reorganize his thoughts. He leans back, sinking his head into the pillow, and closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He feels exhausted, not so much physically as emotionally. The idea of ​​​​facing that dinner already drains him in advance but now that he has accepted the invitation, there is no way to back out.

When he opens his eyes again, his gaze rests on the clock hanging on the wall. The hands move with exasperating slowness, yet, in his mind, time seems to accelerate inexorably. Every second that passes brings him closer to that moment he fears so much and when it marks a time that is far too close to the scheduled one, Wonwoo reluctantly gets up, dragging his feet towards his room.

He opens his closet and looks at the clothes hanging with no attention at all. He takes out dark slacks and a soft cardigan, a neutral color hoping that it will make him looking invisible in the crowd. He doesn't want to have attention on him that night, he doesn't want to seem too... nothing. He just wants to go unnoticed, left alone, at least as much as possible. Wonwoo puts on his cardigan, casually adjusting it over his broad shoulders and then looks at himself in the mirror, in the bathroom, fixing his hair slightly as the reflection behind his thick glasses watches him with eyes full of anxiety and uncertainty.

"Just a couple of hours" he tells himself, trying to instill courage, "Put on your best smile, take some pictures to share with Carats on Weverse, and then come back here again in your safe space" but the tension in his features betrays his thoughts, the words sound hollow even to his ears.

Wonwoo leaves the bathroom, slowly walks toward the living room to grab his wallet but his gaze falls on the closed door of Mingyu's room. He stays still, his hand almost automatically rising to the handle but he stops immediately, balanced, for a long moment. It would have been enough to turn that knob, open that door, to be overwhelmed by a wave of memories.

Shared moments that now seem so far away, almost unreachable.

Just open the door, but he doesn't. He can't let nostalgia get the better of him once again.

With a slow breath, Wonwoo lets his hand fall to his side and sighs deeply. His phone buzzes slightly in the pocket of his cardigan. He takes it out and reads Soonyoung's incoming text, "Do you need a ride ?" Wonwoo sighs again, his fingers moving quickly on the screen to reply, "No thanks, I take a walk". He needs that time alone, even though for a short walk, just enough to pick up the pieces of himself before facing everything.

Wonwoo puts his phone away and looks around once more. The house seems still, as if it's holding its breath along with him. Everything is in its place but at the same time something seems missing. Maybe he's missing, maybe Mingyu, or maybe both. Wonwoo puts on his coat, taking a moment to make sure it's closed properly, as if that small gesture could protect him from whatever was waiting outside. Then, without looking back, he opens the door and steps out.

The place the boys chose to meet is always the same, their place now. A little restaurant hidden in a quiet side street of Hongdae, discreet enough to offer them the privacy they needed but at the same time welcoming, with the inviting delicious smell of hot food that envelop them from the entrance and the soft lights that embraced every corner, turning it into a small relaxing oasis. The owners knew them very well, since the days of their debut, and often reserved a private room for them whenever they decided to dine there. Not that it was strictly necessary but having a space all to themselves was a precious privilege, a way to preserve that normality so rare during the moments spent together.

That place had always had something special, almost familiar. A sort of refuge away from the spotlight and intrusive glances, where they could simply feel like themselves. For Wonwoo, that place was full of memories: the smell of the mandu prepared by Mrs. Oh and the warmth of a hot meal after an endless day in the practice room. Every time he crossed that threshold, it was like going back in time, to those days when fatigue melted away at the simple sound of shared laughter.

When he reaches the door, Wonwoo stops for a moment. He looks up at the led sign that shines in the evening darkness and takes a deep breath. Then he pushes the door open and steps in.

Inside, he is greeted by the low murmur of voices, the clinking of dishes that mixes with the background music, something delicate and never invasive. At the reception, the usual girl gives him a familiar smile, accompanied by a polite bow, and indicates with a discreet gesture the direction of the room reserved for his friends.

Wonwoo hesitates at the entrance for just a fraction of a second then the sound of their laughter reaches him, light and unrestrained, and he feels the tension in his shoulders melt, just slightly, his lips curve into a small, involuntary smile. There, sitting together around the table, are his mates, his chosen family.

Seungcheol is leaning back in his chair, gesturing animatedly as he tells a story that has Seokmin doubled over in laughter, his hand slapping the wood. Jeonghan, perched elegantly in his seat, watches them with his usual knowing smirk, sipping from a glass as if he's above the chaos but the sparkle in his eyes betrays his amusement. Joshua is the first to notice Wonwoo standing there, his smile warm and welcoming. "Jeon Wonwoo!" he says, his voice cutting through the noise.

All eyes turn to him, and for a brief moment, Wonwoo freezes under the weight of their gazes.

"Hyung! You made it!" Seungkwan exclaims, his enthusiasm contagious as he walks towards him and pulls Wonwoo into a quick, tight hug.

"Of course, he made it" Seungcheol drawls, setting down his glass, "You didn't really think he'd ditch us, did you ?"

"Oh trust me, he was thinking about that" Seokmin says, "Luckily I persuaded him to come and have fun with his old mates" he adds, pointing a playful finger at him.

"How could you miss out on this night ?" Jeonghan chimes in with a slightly provocative tone, letting a mischievous smile slip out.

The comment, however, seems to hit the mark. Wonwoo finds himself smiling shyly, almost in awe. "Yeah... how could I" he mutters, scratching the back of his neck slightly embarrassed.

"How long has it been since we last saw each other ? Three months ?" Joshua asks them, "It feels like forever"

"Something like that, yeah" Chan replies, coming over and greeting Wonwoo with a firm pat on the back, "My favorite hyung!" he says with a beaming smile, hugging him, "I've missed you so much!"

"Hey, I'm supposed to be your favorite hyung!" Seungcheol protests, peeking out from behind them, "I practically raised you!"

"But you never let me eat your dumplings, hyung. I'm sorry but that affects priorities" Chan replies innocently, making everyone laugh.

"He has a point, though" Wonwoo says, nodding in amused complicity. He hugs Chan first and then Seungkwan, "I'm really happy to see you guys" he says, and the warmth in his voice is genuine, "I'm glad you're doing well"

He sits down next to Jeonghan, who immediately gives him a curious look. With his characteristic feline demeanor, Jeonghan moves closer, his eyes gleaming with that attentive, inquisitive light that always makes him so observant. "Did you come by taxi ?" he asks, tilting his head.

"No" Wonwoo shakes his head with a smile, "I walked"

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow, the nod of his chin pointing out the window natural, fluid, as if he were trying to point out the obvious, "It's drizzling" he observes, his voice slightly questioning.

"I know" Wonwoo admits with a chuckle, "But I like the rain, you know"

Jeonghan is silent for a moment then he laughs softly, a low, genuine sound that slides between them with a hint of affection. He shakes his head, a knowing smile spreads across his face, "Sometimes I forget how weird you are, Jeon Wonwoo" he says rather affectionate.

Wonwoo lets out a small smile of his own but his gaze inevitably falls on an empty chair at the table. That chair. He had noticed it when he entered but now it seemed too obvious, almost cumbersome. A thought crosses his mind, and in an instant that small presence, or rather, absence, hits him more than he would have liked. It would soon be filled, and he breathes deeply, trying to chase away the anxiety that flows through his veins, freezing them.

They order beers in the meantime, the clinking of glasses during toasts blending perfectly with their chats that grows louder, filling the entire room. Soonyoung shares how his dog, Princess Latte, is still the undisputed ruler of his house, recounting a funny story about how she once stole a piece of ham from the table and hid under the bed to avoid being caught. "She's a criminal genius" he adds, with a theatrical flair that makes everyone burst into laughter.

Wonwoo smiles. It's nice to see everyone again, to hear them talking and joking just like in the old days. It had been 4 years since Seventeen announced their hiatus to each dedicate themselves to their individual careers and to be able to complete their military service to the best of their ability without the pressure of work. Despite everything, they stayed united, brothers as always, the atmosphere is always warm and pleasant as when they used to live all under the same roof and for a moment Wonwoo even manages to forget everything else, to let himself be enveloped by the newfound harmony of the sweet moments of the past.

Then a slight sound interrupts the flow of their voices, the bell on the door tinkles, signaling someone's entrance. Wonwoo looks up almost hesitantly while the others turn sharply towards the door and as soon as they see him, Mingyu, a sudden uproar of voices explodes.

"Here he is! Our man of the night!" Minghao shouts, jumping to his feet and opening his arms with the enthusiasm of someone welcoming a star on stage.

Everyone joins him, standing or clapping their hands on the table, their voices mixing in a chorus of welcome. "Mingyu!" "Welcome back!" "You're finally here!"

Mingyu stands there in the doorway, his excited smile lighting up the entire room with the same intensity as always. He's beautiful, even more than Wonwoo remembered. His skin is always so tanned and his hair, grown back and softly falling on his forehead, frames his relaxed face. He's dressed simply, a basic petrol green trench coat and a plaid shirt, yet there's something new about him, a different and more mature look that makes Wonwoo's heart do double somersaults.

Every step he takes towards the group seems to amplify the sound of their laughters becoming more lively. Soonyoung is the first to reach him, throwing himself into his arms, "How much longer did you want to keep us waiting, hm ?" he exclaims with a radiant smile, ruffling his hair, "God, it's so good to see you, Mingyu-yah!"

"I didn't realize the time before I left, I guess old habits never die" Mingyu replies laughing.

He moves naturally between them, as if time never passed, going from one hug to the other. He hugs Joshua tightly, laughs heartily at a sarcastic joke from Jeonghan, exchanges a look of pure complicity with Minghao. Seungkwan, with his usual ironic tone, shakes his head "I'm jealous, Mingyu. You're even more handsome than when you left. You've gotten bigger and... wait, you're taller too ?!"

"Don't be ridiculous" Mingyu chuckles, "I'm still the same!"

Wonwoo watches everything, frozen in place. He can't take his eyes off him, his heart pounding irregularly in his chest and echoing painfully in his ears. Every step Mingyu takes toward him feels like a jolt, a shock that leaves him breathless, a blend of anxiety and something deeper he can't quite name. As Mingyu passes Jeonghan and draws closer, time seems to slow. Wonwoo catches the moment Mingyu pauses briefly, the subtle breath he takes before spreading his arms to pull him into an embrace.

"Hi, hyung" he says with a soft smile, so delicate it almost seems fragile.

Wonwoo feels the floor crumble beneath his feet.