The Right Stuff: Some Episodes in the Career of a North Briton

y arrived when I must h

the service of an ungrateful country, and added that she, personally, d

I could have done pretty well for myself. Now, I should be out of the running among

r by undiscriminating admirers in the days before she became engaged to me. As a matter of fact, her solicitude on my behalf was largely due to an ambition to see a little paragraph in the ne

ss, as is their wont. I was an old dear, they conceded, and of course Kitty was Kitty; but a sister and brother-in-law were, to put it quite plainly, a hopelessly dull couple to live with: a

s arrayed against me, it will at once be apparent that "these odds" (as the hal

t intimate regions of my family circle, I had perhaps bette

catch a testamentary whale, but if this was so no legacy ever came my way. Personally, I am rather attached to the name, as I was called nothing el

gh Kitty cannot see why-is sufficiently important to make the daily papers keep my obituary notice handily pigeon-holed, in case

that she is a woman with no fault that I can for the moment recall, beyond a predilection for belonging to societies which are better known

of them the more the fact is borne in upon me. Indeed, a casual remark of mine to that effect, uttered to my wife, by an unfortunate coincidence, on the very morning upon which one of the numerous Dece

ing. They attract admiration without effort, and, I honestly believe, without intention. Of the meaning of love they know nothing,-they are female Peter Pans, and resolutely refuse to grow up, except outwardly,-and the intrusion of that passion into their dealings with persons of the male gender is regarded by them at present as a contingency to be discouraged at all costs. The conditions under which they admit their admirers to their friendship are commendably simple and perfectly definite. If a man is adjudged by them to have attained all the complicated

radiant in, let us say, white batiste; while the unemployed Twin, in (possibly) blue poplin, holds discreetly aloof. After lunch the Twins, leaving their victim to smoke a cigar, retire swiftly to their room, where they exchange costumes, and

along in pursuit of the well-beloved, oblivious of the fact that he is wasting his efforts on an understudy. After an appropriate interv

ing trifled with; and your true lover is the most desperately earnest person in the world. In either case the affaire terminates then and there. And that is how my sisters-in-law, with adroitness and despatch, return i

um on the subject, and endeavoured to evolve an outline of the kind of gentleman who was likely to suit us. The following is a précis

t be a 'Va

keep accounts, and tran

d and residence in the house. ("He can have that little room off the

p ties. ("But he'll have to, poor dear, if the I

hat means write them!"), look up my subject-matter, verify my references, and so on. ("

nts. ("Yes. He must be all right about peas, asparagus, and liqueurs. And finger-bowls, dearest.

be nice to

t be dark.

st be fai

able to waltz a

an advertisement in the Morning Post, and in due course I obtained a secretary. In fact, I obtained several. We had them seriatim, and none stayed longer

aboured under the delusion that, as my amanuensis, he was at liberty to forge my signature to all documents, including cheques. He used my

uppressed giggles in his presence. Regarded my superficial ideas of statesmanship with profound contempt, but left after a fortnight, having allowed a highly conf

which won me quite a little ovation in the House, suggested several notable improvements in the "Importation of Mad Dogs Bill," with which I was to be entrusted next session-and was found lying de

egative) he came down to dinner in a sort of alpaca smoking-jacket and a tartan tie. On the second, having evidently decided to treat us to all the resources of his wardrobe as soon as possible, he appeared in more or less ordinary evening attire. He wore a small white satin bow-tie, attached to his collar-stud by a brass clip. The tie

bserved: "It had to be him or us!" I was sorry, f

a Private Secretary on the spur of the mo

with a truculent manner, had been asking questions in the House. It seemed that British interests in that quarter were not being adequately protected by our Department, and this extremely pushing gentleman was now gaining much cheap applause in the columns of those low-priced organs which make a living by deriding his Majesty's Ministers, by bombarding us with fatuous inquiries on the subject.

rk, however uncritical, into my confidence, I called a hansom and drove straight to the Museum; where, having ensconced myse

lky tome before him. I regarded him in a reminiscent sort of way for a few minutes, and presently found that my scrutiny was

ere on our honeymoon, and happened to be travelling on a Saturday afternoon from Edinburgh to Perth in a train packed to suffocation with the supp

ht have reached Perth with nothing worse than bad headaches, but unfortunately some supporters of the other team were present, and in the midst of a heated and alcoholic debate on the rights and wrongs of the last free kick, two rival orators suddenly arose, clinched, and continued their argument at close grips on the floor. In a moment the party divided itself into two camps, and the conflict became general

dy!" he bellowed in my e

t was that each combatant was pulled off, picked up, shaken until his teeth rattled, and banged down on to his seat with a brief admonition to mind his manners, until seven bewildered, partially sobered, and thoroughly demoralised patrons of spo

here or no, and I am bound to say that they all seemed as anxious to leave the carriage as he was to e

rrm in a teapot," h

the time that we bade him farewell at Perth. I presented him with my card, which he carefully placed inside the lining of his

useum, and seemingly none too prosperous. Six years ago he had looked like a y