Love, or Let Me Go

lept in bed, her back turned to Julian's as he remained wide awake. The quiet between

ser to hers, but no warmth. No affection. Only the stil

hudding, but she was immobile. It was a waltz of evasion: pretending to sleep, pretending not to care, while she wanted to turn over and challenge him on her behalf

he rhythm of it, the steady thrum, was a thrum in the background to her growing emptiness. He was there, but not. She felt t

ce still glowed from the blue screen of his phone, his eyes totally absorbed in

on, and the message wa

from

edge of the blanket with her hand even harder as Julian replied: "Yeah. He's ou

not jealousy-instead, it was the piercing, gnawing reality of her own littleness, the humble comprehens

ahead of their marriage, ahead of what they'd once had. She felt like screaming. She felt like asking him questions. But there was something else too-something that wa

e pierced her haze, low and doubtf

her side, mutterin

ra had a strange feeling in her chest. It was a strange kind of relief to be informed that he had cut it off, but it was the start of a changing, new awarene

shoulder gently. But not the same. The pressure of his hand was strange, as if it were the hand of anothe

orry. I know that I've been distracted lately. I've been busy with

and cumbersome. How many times had she heard him utter sorry over the past few mo

enough that she could notice the lines of strain on his face, the exhaustion in his eyes which did n

uble. Not because you're sorry. Julian, months. Months of you choosing

d see the tension curling through his face. He didn't say anything for a moment, h

e snarled at last, his vo

by the question. The fi

ook at me, Julian. To look and see that I'm here. That I'm trying. But you're not. And I don't know

y, drifted over the space between them. He no longer remembered

" he breathed, lips against his sigh

ng bubbled on the surface, but she suppressed them. She

pretending that everything is okay. I want you to decide

e of a few moments thereafter, Julian breathed low an

s, remained motionl

and, but neither of them stirred to gr

them-the unspoken things, the prayer said wordlessly, the space extending on and on. Her love for him still ached, an aching throbbing in

nce between them had seemed to expand even

most difficult part was not loving him. It was to