How Love

"Hyung,

I hope this letter finds you when I am already too far away from here, maybe while you are having breakfast with that cup you love so much or while you are trying to choose which book to read next. I have imagined this moment many times, I have built a different one in my mind each time, but the truth is that I don't know what you are doing now. And maybe that's okay. Not knowing gives me the excuse to imagine you happy.

It hasn't been easy writing this letter to you. I could never find the courage to put down on paper what's inside me but now that I'm in this silence, away from the house we shared, from the nights we talked until late, your smiles that always pretend to be indifferent, I just can't hide anymore.

I've been a coward, hyung, and maybe I still am, because I'm choosing to tell you all this only now that you can't look me in the eyes. But it's also true that, if I had stayed, I would never have made it. I'm scared, Wonwoo. I'm scared of how things will change between us because I know they will change forever and as much as I try to imagine that everything will stay the same, that we could continue to share the same roof and live in our quiet routine, I know it won't be like that. I'm tired to pretend and I know that something is going to break between us, no matter how hard I try to stop it.

How love did become love ? I don't know for sure but I remember exactly the moment I understood it. It was one of those evenings, we were having dinner after practice. You were eating fried chicken and drinking that iced plum tea you like so much. You were telling me about that glass that you had bought on purpose because it can hold the entire can, with that quiet enthusiasm of yours that always manages to make even the simplest thing special. I looked at you, I listened to you, I saw you laugh and suddenly the world stopped. In that moment I understood that it wasn't just affection what I feel towards you, it wasn't just friendship. Something more was growing inside me and I couldn't ignore it.

Maybe it's for the best that I'm not around because I don't think I am ready to see your face as you read these words. I'm not ready to see the rejection in your eyes, that smile fading from your lips as you try to find something to say to me so as not to hurt me. I know myself, Wonwoo. I know that moment would break me and you don't deserve to carry the weight of a wound I left you, even if that wound is me.

I love you, hyung. I've loved you for so long.

I love you when you distractedly correct the way I fold my shirts, when you fall asleep with your glasses still on your nose and a book open on your chest. I love you when you pretend to be grumpy but always end up doing exactly what you know will make someone happy. I love you, even though I know this is probably not what you want or what you ever imagined to read.

And it's not your fault, I understand. This love is mine alone, it's a burden that I have to carry, not you. I don't want this letter to make you feel guilty or think that you've done something wrong. You've only ever done good in my life and that's a truth that no one can take away from me. You've been my refuge when everything else seemed to be falling apart. You've been my home, hyung. And you still are.

So maybe it's better that I left before telling you this. Maybe it's best for you to read these words when I'm who knows where, when you can't look at me and ask me questions or feel the weight of my gaze on you.

I want you to have time to breathe, to think, to be free to feel what you want without the weight of my expectations. I don't want anything from you, Wonwoo. I'm not asking you to feel what I feel. I just want you to know the truth. And I want you to know that no matter how much it hurts, I'm grateful for everything you've given me. For every laugh, every argument, every moment we spent together.

I don't know where life will take me but I know that your name will be engraved in me, always. I hope that, wherever you are, you'll be happy. You deserve it more than anyone else.

With all my heart,

Mingyu"

Wonwoo sits on the blue couch, the same couch that he had hated so much when Mingyu bought it - too big, too bulky, the bright color clashing with the light beige walls - but which now seems to be the only place where he could find comfort. His knees are pulled up to his chest, his hands clasped around that letter that he had now learned by heart, whose edges are a little worn and soft under his fingers, yet he continues to trace them as if he were looking for a truth between the folds that would hurt less than usual.

Seungcheol's words still echo in his mind, heavy as a boulder, "Mingyu is back, we should have dinner all together like old times". It was the news Wonwoo had once dreamed of hearing, a reunion he had envisioned countless times. But now, as reality set in, those same words filled him with dread. For months, he had imagined Mingyu's return, clinging to the hope that time would ease the knot in his chest, that the ache would somehow fade. And yet, now that the moment had finally arrived, the weight of it was suffocating. Wonwoo can't breathe.

Mingyu had been away, so far away that he now seems like a faded shadow, a memory confined to the past. The military navy had taken him away for almost two years, leaving him to wander the world, far from Seoul. Wonwoo, on the other hand, had stayed behind with a routine too ordinary and a military service that had allowed him to return to the warmth of his home every night. That home, full of silence that Mingyu had left behind, had become a prison of memories. Every corner spoke of them: the kitchen with the yellow plates he had chosen himself, the bookcase full of novels Mingyu never read but that he insisted on rearranging for him, that blue couch... damned blue couch.

Mingyu was back.

The thought hits him like a cold wave and yet Wonwoo also feels wrapped in a subtle sadness because Mingyu had chosen not to return to that place that had been their refuge for years, he had chosen to let Seungcheol know about his discharge first, probably Minghao already knew too, he might have stayed at his parents until now and that thought perhaps... hurts him more than Wonwoo himself wanted to admit.

It was as if that return belonged to everyone, except him.

Wonwoo drops the letter on the couch and stares at the ceiling that seems to loom over him, as if the room wants to crush him under the weight of his own fears. Anxiety wraps him in a suffocating grip, growing with each passing second. He actually doesn't want to go to that dinner, Mingyu's silence on his discharge date, him not coming back home, was already an answer to why that meeting would cause more harm than good. Wonwoo convinces himself that not attending the night with his friends would be the better choice for everyone involved. A simple lie, something small and believable, like a sudden bout of the flu, would spare them all the awkwardness, the unspoken questions hanging thick in the air.

Mingyu wouldn't have to pretend to bear his presence, wouldn't have to force those polite smiles that barely masked the discomfort. And Wonwoo, in turn, would avoid the confrontation that terrifies him, the one he's not sure he has the strength to face. It's easier this way, isn't it? To sidestep the inevitable pain, to bury it beneath layers of avoidance and self-preservation.

It's perfect, he thinks, convincing himself that's the right decision but when his phone buzzes next to him, cutting sharply through his spiraling thoughts, Wonwoo lets out a long, exasperated sigh because he knows full well that there's no way Lee Seokmin would let him off the hook that easily that day.

"Hello ?" he answers bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hyung! Did you hear the good news ?" Seokmin's shrill voice says on the other end of the line and Wonwoo feels himself sinking into the pillows again, "Mingyu is free from the navy!"

"Yeah, Seungcheol told me" he says, trying to keep a neutral tone.

"Aren't you happy ?" he chuckles, "Finally you can stop moping around and pretend you actually didn't miss that big boy"

His words hit Wonwoo like a punch to the stomach. Was he happy ? He doesn't know for sure, he couldn't even answer that question for himself. The thought of Mingyu being around again fills him with a whirlwind of emotions he can't quite name but beneath it all, he fears that Mingyu's return could only be the prelude to losing everything, the beginning of the end.

"I am" Wonwoo lies, leaving a bitter taste on his lips but that's all he can say at that moment, "I really am, even though... I don't think I'm coming to the dinner tonight" he says with his phone still glued to his ear, desperately looking for an excuse that sounds believable, "I don't feel very well"

Seokmin sighs loudly and Wonwoo can almost see him shaking his head with that half-amused, half-exasperated smile, "Oh come on, Wonwoo, don't be a lone wolf just now. It's our tradition to have dinner together when someone comes back from the military and of all people... you can't miss out, Mingyu would be upset"

It would only do Mingyu good.

"You haven't seen each other yet, right ?" Seokmin asks, "He has been back for a few days now"

"We haven't" Wonwoo murmurs, "I guess he stayed at his parents, he didn't come by and... didn't text me at all"

"Oh ? That's unusual" he says after a pause, "Seungcheol-hyung said he came to visit him yesterday, they had a beer together"

His lips tightening to keep his disappointment from showing. Mingyu had come to Seungcheol's place but he hadn't come by, hadn't even mentioned him, "Really ?" he finally manages, his voice neutral, a tumult brewing inside him, "Well, I guess he didn't have much time"

"Maybe you're right, you know how Mingyu is after all -" Seokmin says but there is a doubt in his voice that Wonwoo chose to ignore, "He is so full of friends, I guess everyone is excited to see him"

"I guess so..."

"Anyway, Wonwoo, you can't miss tonight. Really. It'll be nice to have everyone together again"

Wonwoo rubs his temple, torn between the desire to disappear and the knowledge that Seokmin wouldn't let go that easily. The thought of all those eyes on him, the unspoken questions, make him shiver already. "Okay, I'll come" finally he says with a resigned sigh.

"Great! See you there then"

Wonwoo ends the call and holds the phone in his hands for a while longer as if that simple gesture could help him reorganize his thoughts. He leans back, sinking his head into the pillow, and closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He feels exhausted, not so much physically as emotionally. The idea of ​​​​facing that dinner already drains him in advance but now that he has accepted the invitation, there is no way to back out.

When he opens his eyes again, his gaze rests on the clock hanging on the wall. The hands move with exasperating slowness, yet, in his mind, time seems to accelerate inexorably. Every second that passes brings him closer to that moment he fears so much and when it marks a time that is far too close to the scheduled one, Wonwoo reluctantly gets up, dragging his feet towards his room.