The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VI. (of X.)

e office to copy out the list, and prepared to wade in. We were on the eve of a labor war, and it was exceedingly difficult for me to get away. As the managing partner of Hodge & Westoby, boxers (n

ook off for Jonesing threatened to blow the business sky-high. It was a tight place

wed me down to my cab and insisted on sticking in a giant bottle of his Dog-Root Tonic. I dropped it overboard a few blocks farther on, and thought that was the end of it till the whole street began to yell at

es. How the devil was I to begin? His waiting-room was full of people, and I hardly felt entitled to sit down and gas about one thing and the other till the chance offered of leading up to the Van Coorts. So I said I had some queer, shooting sensations in the chest.

t was

rter, whether he had

he h

ched, and holding my breath till I was purple, and hopping on one leg

e said; "but kindly come to-morrow at nine, when I shal

ollars and went

more promising. I thought this time I'd choose something easier than pains in the chest. I changed them to my left hand. I was going to keep my clothes on, any

Colorado,

ear me

lars, and nothi

ith his widowed sister. Colorado? No, the widowed sister was positive he had never been there. The fourteenth was a handsome fellow of about thirty-five. He looked poor and threadbare, and I had a glimpse of a shabby bed behind a screen. Patien

d he would have to make a th

s off!" I

y clothes on; I insisted; I promised to come to-morrow; but it wasn't any good, and in a few minutes he was hitting me harder than either of the two before. Maybe I was more tender! He elect

elp telling a patient the truth. There's nothing whatever the matter with you, Mr. Westoby, except

tor?" I asked while he was good

I know Col

rt bea

ee years ago," I said. "Wouldn't it be s

enver when I

dol

all the rest of the Jones family was in Siberia, but that he was going to bomb them out! The twenty-second was a negro. The twenty-third-! He was a tall, youngish man, narrow-shouldered, rather commonplace-looking, with beautiful blue eyes, and a timid, winning, deprecatory manner. I told him I was suffering from insomnia. After raking over my grandfathers again and bringing the family history down by stages to the very moment I was shown into his office he said he should have to ask me to undergo a thorough physical-! B

s that stood for bromide of potassium, when I remarked casually

n the pen w

state-Colorad

ries-try tea for breakfast-do you read Browning? Then you will remember that

ere once in Colorado," I said. "M

Van C

chair, his thin, handsome f

hat you know Eleanor

my

ly to have blank a day. In his perturbation I believe he limited me to a daily bo

esterday," I went on. "That is, if

, yes, it's they all right. Talking about me, did you

ng up a house-party and she was running over her men. 'If I only knew where that

sorts of tender thoughts. It was really to

d!" he exclaimed softly. "Unm

t-but an unfortunate attachment, something that seems to go back to abou

looked up with one of the most radiant smiles I ever saw on a man's face. "I hope I'm not presuming on a very sh

m that Freddy was

to have seen

. He beamed with joy. In his rich gush of friendship he recurred to the subject of my insomnia with a new-born enthusiasm. He subdivided all my symptoms. He dived again into my physical being. He consulted German authorities. I squirmed and lied and resisted all I could, but he said he owed me an eternal debt that could only be liquidated by an absolute cure. He wanted

-day house-party at Morristown. I was to telegraph when he could come, and was promised an official invitation from Mrs. Matthewman. (She was the aunt, you know, that they lived with-one of those old porcelain ladies with a lace cap and a rent-roll.) However, I could not do anything for two days, for we had reached a crisis in the labor troubles, and matters were approaching

to begin. I hated to dampen such friendship and ardor by telling him that I had completely recovered. Under the circumstances it seemed brutal-but I did it. The poor fellow tried to argue with me, but I insisted that I now slept like a top. It sounded horribly u

ce, his blue eyes shining with a strange light. He took up a bronze

t go,"

u have to,"

ed to Minnesota, and I am left with three hundred and four dollars and seventy-five cents to pay. To tak

borrowing kind of man. I should probably insult him by

e repeated with

is doing a thing I should never have expected from one of h

pted me wi

fly to her," he burst out. "But I have a mother-a sainted mother

id. "An appendicitis case-an outbreak of measles?

his head

runs to five figures. If all goes the way it should we shall be brothers-in-law in six mo

al seemed to tear the poor devil to piec

use," he said. "My self-respect ... my-my.

nd four dollars and seven

om him with a

said; "and, for God's

on the first man that offered! This was his chance, I told him; the one chance of his life; he was letting a piece of idiotic pride wreck the probable happiness of years. He agreed with me with moans and weeps. He had the candor of a

"no, no, no!" still

e she and Eleanor would have to accompany her. Eleanor, she said, had ordered two new gowns and had brightened up wonderfully. "Only

ley Crossman had been boring everybody about his gout. I buttonholed them both, and laid my unfortunate predicamen

kets with your money! Where do I come in? Good heavens, Westoby, you're crazy! Think what would h

s equally rebelliou

ever had the gout

e to do would be to let him talk to you. I don't ask y

never such a mule on the Produce Exchange.) "He'd be saying, 'Take

ed some bills of his-big bills, too-at a time when it was t

se of that obligation. I'd cut off my right hand to do you a good

ic servant-girl. Nevill generously threw in a groom with v

o go round right off and interview Bis

on to it if I deluged him w

saddest kind of poverty in New York-the decent, clean, shrinking poverty that hides away from al

Charley, who, I'm sure, ha

me for Jord

oys to look up the address in the telephone-b

u well, Da

tter with me, sir. I guess

nd made him write down 1892 Eig

," I said. "And don't mention my name, n

a pleasant sense that I was

ped at the bishop's door and I handed him up a dollar bill.

e said despondently. "Try what

es, 1892 Eighth Avenue. I was worse than you two weeks ago, and now look at me! Ta

lly as well as physically, and he brought to philanthropic work the thoroughness

come to see if I can't

eyebrows and gave me

ding-back kind of tone, as thou

s the address of Doctor Henry Jones, 1892 Eighth Avenue. I want this money to reach

e meaning of so p

im. It occurred to me that I might make you-e

lowly folded up my check

t want to make the best use of it, or anything of that kind. I

consider

ne, pl

ied and capable physician, and that in the event of my finding it

. He's thoroughly up-to-date, you know; does the

m," said the bishop genially.

estoby-managing partner o

g to dismiss me. "I like one thousand dollar checks, too. When you h

er cent. in my esteem. Bishops like that would make a success

treet like a line of music-loving citizens waiting to hear Patti. Nice, decent-looking people, with money in their hands. (I always like t

ared about. He wore a curt, snappy air. I don't know

commented

The blamed thing has gone up like a rocket. It seems to me there

s complaini

of my insomnia til

om Saturday to Tuesday," I said. "They haven't given up the

for him to j

He shook his head. H

ice was going to fill the street and call for policemen to keep order. But, my dear Westoby, after giving the subject a great deal of considerati

u loved her!"

lived one refusal. How do I know I have the strength, the de

ver won fair lady. I growled it out more like a swea

by my own presumption. Is there any such fool as the

d you back to her? What more do you expect her to do? A woman's delicacy forbids her s

be wrong. The risk is too terrible for me to run. It will comfort

you're going to give

returned. "After all, I have some justi

ou suppose she invi

a note from her-a flower-some little tender remi

all that for Mo

looked at me with suspicion. His blue eyes clouded

matter a very person

d then I am so positive that you love Eleanor and that Eleanor loves you. Put yourself in m

ten up with a sense of his own inferiority. And yet I could see he was just tingling to go to Morristown. Of course, I crowded him all I could, but the bes

as to get Freddy on th

g the situation, "you must get El

what she won't do?" bubbl

ou persu

she won'

, you know. But something tender and sincere: 'Shall be awfully disappointed

imposs

budge a single

zr

rli

signed the tel

very

it really came from Eleanor-there couldn't

d the official invitation f

Satur

Satu

ou'll

watc

are you

pends on

't it ex

e ring in

h wood, w

edd

es

some forget-me-nots and mailin

o it. Eighteen ninety-two

anguage of flowers, and send him one that says: 'I'm off wi

is really getting

am

splendid if-Switch off q

even say I

it back, Ezra

do

nfortun

unfor

us off. However, short as my talk with F

llman-car episode inflicted on me a second time. I was shown the receipt-slip. I was shown the telegram from Eleanor. I was shown with a whoop the forget-me-nots! Then he was going on Saturday? I asked. He said he guessed it would take an earthquake to keep him awa

ng phenacetin f