The Remarkable History of Sir Thomas Upmore, bart., M.P., formerly known as Tommy Upmore""

. But never has this been the case with me, although I am a staunch Conservative. My settled opinion is that nature (bearing in her reticul

rejoiced more freely than their sons do now, in bullying the little ones. The first thing a new boy had to settle was his exact position in the school; not in point of scholarship, or powers of the mind, but as to his accomplishments at fisticuff. His first duty was to arrange his schoolfellows in three definite classes-those who coul

on the whole, the others were exceedingly kind and good to me, rejoicing to ply me with countless nicknames, of widely various grades of wit, suggested by my personal appearance, and the infirmity of lightness. Tom-tit, Butterfly-Upmore, Flying Tommy, and Skylark, were

in the end of a stick, or a two-pronged fork (such as used to satisfy a biped with his dinner, and a much better dinner then he gets now), endeavouring also to urge me on high, by an elevating grasp of my hair and ears, you may well believe me, when I say how sadly I lamented my exploit above. I was ready to go up, I was eager to go up; not only to satisfy publi

was too young to argue with them, and point out the real cause; to wit the large and substantial feeding, in which I employed my Sundays. By reason of this

me (from your own point of view) uncandid, bigoted, narrow-minded, unsynthetical, unphilosophical, or anything else that is wicked

d we had a boy who could see things crooked, through some peculiar cast of eye, and though th

were to do, a very big letter for the doctor. Every boy of us rushed into a certainty of joy-away with books, and away to play! But woe, instead of bliss, was the order of the day. Dr. Rumbelow never allowed himself to be hurried, or flurried, by anything, except the appearance of hi

care, you will continue your studies eagerly. In these degenerate days, hard science tramples on the arts more elegant. Happy are ye, who can yet devote your hours to the lighter muses. At the stern call of science

declared that it all was my fault, and I ought to pay out for it. What was the use of my trying to think that the world was all wrong, and myself alone right? Very great men, like Athanasi

body, and no boy anywhere near us, he could not help saying, "My poor Icarillus, cheer up, rouse up, tharsei! The Romans had no brief forms of encouragement, because they never require

and pointed with one hand at the cane, which was trembling in my other hand. My master indulged in some Latin quotation,

the eyes afar, a thing unjust, and full of thambos. For thou hast not aimed at, nor even desired, the things that are unlawful, but rather hast been ensnared therein, by means of some necessity hard to be avoided. Therefore

e to do that; and before I had time to be really happy, four out of the five were upon me. Hearing the doctor's fine loud voice, they could no more contain themselves, but dashed out upon us, like so many dragons, on the back of their own eminence-Professors Brachipod, and Jarg

not one of them ever should see me again. Their eyes were beaming with intellect, and their arms spread out

osed to learning, wisdom, and large philosophy-excuse me, gentlemen, I am speaking in the abstract-this arrogant upstart is so rampant, because people run away from her. Tommy, come hither; these gentlemen are kind, very kind-don't be af

that the foremost of them had been carried out of our house by father, and sent away over the cinder-heaps, there came a sort of rising in my mind, which told me to try to stick up to them. And when they fell out one with another,

ould have been glad to unbutton my raiment, if the master had allowed it. And they used such mighty words as nobody may reproduce correctly, unless he was born, or otherwise endowed, with a ten-chain tape at the back of his tongue. E

pull in one direction, crossed by a stronger push in the other. Moreover, two learned gentlemen wanted to throw me up perpendicular; while other two, of equal l

I will have no vivisection here"-for they hurt me so much, that I now screamed out-"I am sorry to lay hands upon you, but humanity compels me. Now, unless you all sit

sors Brachipod, Jargoon, and Mullicles seated in their chairs. But the fourth professor (whose name

back in a shake against some degradation; "I must not, and I will not, seet. Herr Doctor, in many lang

but his friends s

ned friend resists my kindly efforts. When the body is seated, the mind is calm. What find we in Plato upon t

h his leading idea is fundamentally erroneous"-("I say nah, I say non, I say bosh!" broke in Professor Chocolous)-

seven more. I am ze first. But in two, tree, four hundred year,

a simple inversion of the fundamental process. Every schoolboy now is perfectly aware, that the protoplasmatic anthropom

an answered, with quiet self-respect; "if I vos one, he v

that the matter now in hand, though deeply interesting, and (to judge by results) even highly exciting, is one that I have never dealt with.

rashness of such a resolution; while Dr. Rumbelow

genuine acolyte of that glorious sage, Pythagoras. The ereneuticon, in all truth, must pr

agnanimity, especially as my protector now became so engrossed

pake the arch-enemy, Brachipod, "which, beyond all dou

essor Jargoon. "Any fool can se

Professor Chocolous; "ze babe, zat vos born a vee

ofessor Mullicles, "if ignorance were not so dogmatic! The merest

xtremely desirous of doing so; and the utmost I could manage was to get behind a chair, and sing out for my father and mother. This only redoubled their zeal, and I mig

an, who presumes to prevent me from proving my theory. Just hold him tight, while I get this steel hook firmly into his collar.

a hundred times, that a child had much better be killed, than weighed. At the fright of his touch, I slipped out of my sleeves,

g, it may have been the Derby, I went too fast to hear what it was. Short as my legs were, they flew like the spokes of a wheel that can never be counted; and I left a mail-cart, and a butcher's cart too, out of sight, though they tried to keep up with me. Such wa

a streak, a mile away down to the left of me. All the foot of the hill, which is now panelled out into walls, and streets, of the great cattle-market, remained to be crossed, without help of the wind, ere ever I was safe inside our door. And the worst

f our boiling-house. I could hear my heart going pit-a-pat, faster than my weary feet went; for the place was as lonely as science could desire, for a snug job of vivisection. Of that grisly horror I knew not as yet the name, nor

thicken with the reeking of the earth, and the outline of everything in sight was blurred, and a very tired fellow could not tell, at any moment, what to run away from, without running into worse. At one time, I thought of sitting down, and hiding in a dip of the ground, ti

se four professors (whose names are known all over it), Brachipod, Jargoon, Chocolous, and Mullicles, came forth,

e got him all snug to ourselves, at last. Le

voice of Jargoon; "now you shall

ve have catch ze leetle baird at la

r Mullicles; because he said nothing, but kept one han

h of me, and I am sure they would pay you, for all your inventions, a great deal more than the Government. I only flew once, and I didn't mean to fly, and I am sure it must have

f pure science, for selfish motives to be recognized. It will be your lofty privilege, to abstract yourself, t

ubbish," bro

on the edge!" screamed Chocolo

llicles sternly, advancing

here was no view of me to be had; "was there ever such a

cy, through the tears in my eyes, I had seen a lamp lit. I knew where that lamp was, and all about it, having broken the glass of it, once or

I had been fresh and bold, even without any breeze to help me, I might have outstripped them easily. But my legs were tired, and my mind dismayed; and the scientific terms, in which they called on me to stop, were enough to make any one stick f

heir hands were stretched forth, in pursuit of my neck, and their breath was like flame at the tips of my ears-when a merciful Providence delivered me. I felt something quivering under my fe

they were, struggling, and sputtering, and kicking-so much at least as could be seen of them-throwing up their elbows, or their heels, or heads, and execrating nature (when their mouths were clear

, what variety of stench, and of glutinous garbage, is not richly present here; and the men from the sewers, who conduct it to the pit, require brandy, at short intervals. In the pit, which is not more than five feet deep, yet ought to be shunned by trespassers, the surfa

heavily on them, like tallow on a wick, closing so completely both mouth and eyes, that instead of giving, they could only receive, a lesson in materialism. Professors Brachipod, and Chocolous, being scarcely five feet and a quarter in height, were in great danger of perishing; but Mullicles, and Jarg

relieve them a little, with a long-handled broom, and to flush them with a bucket, afterwards. Under heavy discouragement, they