Love Struck Me Down

New york City, Manhattan, 1997.

Meredith clutched her tummy wondering when the baby was due.

"This darned thing" she cussed silently. "I'm so sorry" she apologized seconds later. "You're not darned. I'm just so tired, so can you please come out?"

Meredith sighed wondering how she was naive and foolish enough to buy all the fantasies Ian sold her, only to be left pregnant and alone at eighteen.

To crown it all, she did not discover she was pregnant until it was too late. By the time she knew, Ian was long gone and her family despised her so much they disowned her for daring to soil the perfect name of the Matthews. How could they tell their beloved congregation who believed in them so much they diligently brought their first fruits and tithes, that the daughter of the pastor was pregnant, and the father of the child had disappeared. Her mother, a no nonsense deacon who was self righteous and hated the sin of the flesh with a burning passion had taken a very long and disgusting look at her, the day she found out. Disappointed and angry, she insisted Meredith removed the baby. How could she have though? The poor girl was scared to her bones. Not only was she about six months gone already, her mother had insisted she would be taken to one of those secret places to remove the baby. Translation, you've spoiled the holy name of this family and no one can know. That's why you'll be taken to a quack where no one is bound to find out about your discretions. This alone had Meredith gripped with fear and trepidation. When all efforts by the deacon proved abortive, she had no other option to join her husband's decision in disowning Meredith. The day Meredith was asked to leave the house, her mother said, "You still have time to remove that bastard in you, or you're dead to us, forever."

Meredith, defeated and afraid, picked the little clothes she was permitted to take, with the little money her cousin had slipped into her hands, and left without a plan. After roaming the Streets of New York begging for food and shelter, she finally managed to secure a room. She ended up at the second floor of a 7ft tall tenement building at the lower east side.

In order to survive with her pregnancy, she got a job as a bookkeeper. The people in the neighborhood were nice enough, but she wasn't fooling herself. She could see the judgemental looks everytime she stepped out. Everyone wanted to know how a young girl like her ended up disgraced and shamed. The question of why a girl so young was pregnant and alone was just at the tip of the mouth of almost every older woman she encountered.

Day by day, resentment grew. Not just for Ian for abandoning her, or for her parents that did same. It was for life in general and it's cruelty. It was for the baby growing in her tummy.

She knew she would never love this child. Every time it kicked in her belly, it reminded her of how Ian had kicked at her heart so bad, she became a broken mess. One day, she decided that it was best to give the baby up for adoption. If she kept the child, they would both be stuck in extreme poverty forever.