Healing Mr Brown

No doubt you have seen, in the highways and byways, a lot of youths in khaki with white bands round their caps. These 'boys' are called cadets, and are usually men home from the front to train for commissions. In Sandhurst they are officially styled gentlemen cadets; but apparently we are not supposed to be gentlemen-we're just cadets. Funny, isn't it? But that's the way of the army.

Well, my name is John Brown-a very ordinary name-and I'm one of those fellows. Before the war I evaded toil by becoming a student, and spent a lot of time on 'ologies and 'osophies. Now I'm learning to be a pukka officer, and the leader of sixty men to the cannon's mouth.

When I left my battalion for the cadet school I shed no tears. They were in the trenches, or, rather, in the mud. And it cost a pair of brand-new boots to get on to the road. However, I survived, and in due time landed at Windmoor. This is a 'blasted heath,' swept by the winds, and isolated from picture-shows, barmaids, and revues; not a petticoat in sight, and at every corner a notice which amounts to: 'England expects that every cadet this day will do his duty.'

'This is no Utopia,' I muttered, falling into the first hut by the way. Ye gods! There was an old colonel, with eyes like a hawk and cheeks like dumplings; and what do you think he was doing? Cutting his corns.

'What the-why the-who the devil are you, sah?'

'John Brown, sir,' I said meekly, for never in my life had I seen such a perfect relic of the Napoleonic wars.

'Get to blazes out of this, John Brown!' he roared, putting his fat feet on the floor and banging the door. I was again alone-on the blasted heath. The old gent inside was Colonel Eat-All, the commandant. Rumour says he devoured two dervishes at Omdurman. I stumbled on once more, and found the orderly-room.

'This way,' said Sergeant-Major Kneesup, introducing me to the adjutant. I clicked my heels in the style of a Guardsman, and saluted like a railway signal.

'Well?' said a blasé-looking gent with three pips, looking up at me from his papers.

'John Brown, sir.'

'Who sent you here?'

'The War Office.'

'Umph! I know nothing about you. You had better go back to your regiment for your papers.'

'But I can't go all the way to France, sir.'

'Well, no-perhaps not. Wait a minute,' he said, ringing a bell. A clerk answered.

'Have you any papers dealing with Cadet John Brown?'

'Yes, sir. Came a fortnight ago.'

'Thank you. That's all.' The clerk went out.

'Oh, it's all right, Brown. Just go over to No. 1 Company. You'll see Sergeant-Major Smartem there. He'll fix you up. Good luck!' he concluded with a genial smile.

I saluted and went out, marvelling at the methods of the British Army.

I dug out the sergeant-major, and again announced that I was John Brown.

'That's a fine name to go to bed with.'