In Search of Redemption

I said goodbye to Julio. I still needed to stop by the apartment we bought together to prepare the bedroom and the dining room table to surprise him on his birthday. I only had a few hours to put everything in order. I smiled just imagining the surprised face he would make. Even though we had been dating for many years, I had never given myself to him. This would be my first time. We had grown up together and so I believed him when he said that it would also be his first time. I had no reason to doubt. He was always with me. Mom used to joke that we were tight. The wedding was set.

But my family didn't know about it yet. My brother was getting married soon and I didn't want to take away the attention that was being paid to him. But I didn't know how, it felt like I was dreaming. And suddenly I was living another life... seeing another person and being another person too...

He got into the car and watched me while he waited for his sisters to get ready with their shopping in the car. I was leaning against a lamppost, admiring his curly blond hair, while thinking how he looked like an angel. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen? Big green eyes that stared at me with an intense glow... I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seemed that his eyes transmitted a lot of love, they seemed to release sparks of passion. A tenderness took possession of me, making me believe that I had already been in his arms, kissed his fleshy lip and heard promises of eternal love from a husky and sensual voice, I even delighted with this sensation.

We continued to stare at each other for a long time... Until I realized that I was smiling at him, but he wasn't smiling. He just watched. Then I felt that he was saying goodbye... At that moment I was not sad, and continued to smile at him. The goodbye didn't seem to me to be for a long time. Until today I cannot put into words what I felt for him fairly... I don't know... Maybe an eternal emotion... A love that understands absence, that doesn't fall apart with time. And for some reason I knew it was the same he felt for me. But the strangest thing was that I had never seen him before and yet it was as if we had known each other for a long time, as if we could communicate through a simple look... There was something greater, an invisible force that united us even when we were not together. It was as if he knew me and had been accompanying me along all my paths. It was good to imagine that there was someone who rejoiced in my victories and consoled me in my defeats even though I could not see him.

I intuitively knew at that moment that I was dreaming. And along with this certainty a feeling of emptiness and loss. Then with a look I said goodbye and knew that I would meet him again. His eyes promised me that, while my heart insistently warned me that this reunion would not be as good as I wished, and a bad omen oppressed my chest.

And it was with this feeling that I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the sky. It was clear and with many clouds, and the temperature was extremely comforting and pleasant. It took me a while to realize that I was lying on the ground. I got up and absent-mindedly dusted off my clothes and started walking. I wanted to get home soon. I stopped. But...Home? Agony took hold of me. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know where to go and worse; I didn't even know who I was.

I looked around looking for something familiar, a clue to where I was, but nothing! Everything was strange... To my despair I didn't recognize anything! Why was I lying there? Why couldn't I remember? Doubts started going through my head... Was I one of those people who had no home, no family, no roof, and who sleep on park benches and sidewalks, or under bridges? No! Something told me that I did have a home and a family!

But then why couldn't I remember? I heard some voices behind a bush and went to check, maybe I would find the answer there. I opened some space between the bushes and discovered some people walking there quietly. I confess that I was even more lost, because those people who were passing by showed no curiosity about my presence. Either I was invisible or they were too insensitive to realize how lost I was. Everything was so strange there. Everything seemed like a dream. I felt a strange sensation of unreality, everything was so different... Even the trees seemed to bloom in a purposefully perfect way. There was a natural swimming pool where children of various ages played carelessly. One of these children caught my attention the most because he seemed to resemble someone I knew. She had long black hair and was beautiful. For a moment I watched her, but as soon as she noticed my gaze she ran away and disappeared. Then I looked and saw a lady sitting on a stool watching the children play.

I approached the lady, who now more closely surprised me to realize that despite her gray hair, she had a young and beautiful face.

"Please..." I said already at her side and at the same instant she turned around and seemed only at that moment to notice my presence.

"Yes, my child? Sit here by my side." She said kindly and moved aside and gave me room on the bench. I obeyed. I was about to introduce myself, when I remembered that I didn't know my name. This reality brought a wry smile to my lips. So I decided to get to the point.

"Could the lady tell me what city we are in?"

"City?" She seemed confused, so I decided to explain, because she must have thought I was a lunatic. After all, it was rare for someone to not even know the city they were in.

"You don't have to be scared. It's just that... Well, I'm not sure, but I seem to have lost my memory and I can't seem to..."

"No my child." She interrupted me. "I'm not scared, it's just that we're not in a city. Not like you imagine." She said covering with a hug the space we could see.

"No? Then where are we? In a park somewhere? But even if so it would have to be in some city!" I said the last words more to myself.

A gleam of understanding passed in her eyes and then she looked at me with compassion and said in a sad voice;

"So you still don't know..."

And before I could ask what she was talking about, she continued;

"Do you see that brother who is talking to the red-headed girl?"

I followed the direction she was pointing and saw who she was talking about. Why hadn't I noticed them before? The man was a gentleman, also gray-haired, with a frank smile that made me sympathize with him immediately.

"Go to him my child, he will be able to help you."

I thanked him with a smile and getting to my feet, I was grateful to get away from that woman. I didn't like being the target of pity and I also thought she was very crazy.

I walked towards the man, but a doubt accompanied me on my way. That lady referred to him as "brother", could it be that I had been brainwashed? This would explain why I couldn't remember anything... It would also explain that strange place, where the trees were in harmony with the plants, like a perfect scenery... too perfect to be real. Everything seemed to be purposely placed there to deceive and enchant. No one could deny that it was a beautiful setting and that in a way, it was so pleasant that you didn't want to leave it. But this could have been done exactly so that people would have that feeling. Even the ground was grass that looked like a fluffy carpet. And the people were scary. They didn't seem to care about anything around them. My God! Where were you, anyway? I knew that I had to act calmly and control my fears in order not to draw wrong and hasty conclusions.

When I got closer, I realized that the girl talking to him must have been about my age, which was good, because a person who thought like I did could be of great value. I stopped very close, wondering whether or not to interrupt the conversation, and somehow he realized my presence and with a gesture, asked me to wait. I then stood at a certain distance, watching the two of them talk. It was all so strange! I could understand perfectly everything he said to the girl, but I couldn't understand anything she said. It was as if she spoke in another language, but I understood perfectly well what he was saying in his own language.

Suddenly, the girl with her back to me turned around and faced me. And after a while, a few seconds actually, her face changed and she looked at me in a hostile way. Actually, I didn't mind, imagining that she might be jealous, after all I had already received several hostile looks because of my appearance that always attracted the attention of men and inevitably the jealousy of women. I looked away and ended up being distracted by the children jumping in the pool and laughing, looking so happy...

I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and turned around startled. It was the gray-haired gentleman. He smiled gently and I looked around for the girl, but she had disappeared.

"You will meet her again. You have a lot to talk about."

I looked at him in amazement, because deep down I really felt like seeing her again. But it was just a very shy, almost unconscious feeling, and somehow that man managed to catch it.

"Who is she?" I asked before I could even curb my words. What did I care who she was? There were more important things to know!

"Her name is Giovana." He replied as if that explained everything.

"Oh yes..."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, but I had some setbacks with some stubborn brothers, and I couldn't come right away, however now I am at your disposal, come, let's sit down to talk more comfortable.... I've been monitoring you for so long and when you wake up I'm not there..." He said with genuine regret.

"Thank you for your kindness, but if you don't mind I don't want to sit down, I just want to know where I am and how I get out of here."

"Relax you'll get all your questions answered in a moment."

"Who are you anyway? Why do you act like you have some responsibility..."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Antonio, and yes, I am responsible for the brothers who arrive here, to let them know their new condition."

"Very nice to meet you Antonio, if I knew I could tell you my name, but it seems my memory is playing tricks on me, some things I remember and other things I don't, but that's beside the point, I just want to know how to get out of this place."