In Search of Redemption

I said goodbye to Julio. I still needed to stop by the apartment we bought together to prepare the bedroom and the dining room table to surprise him on his birthday. I only had a few hours to put everything in order. I smiled just imagining the surprised face he would make. Even though we had been dating for many years, I had never given myself to him. This would be my first time. We had grown up together and so I believed him when he said that it would also be his first time. I had no reason to doubt. He was always with me. Mom used to joke that we were tight. The wedding was set.

But my family didn't know about it yet. My brother was getting married soon and I didn't want to take away the attention that was being paid to him. But I didn't know how, it felt like I was dreaming. And suddenly I was living another life... seeing another person and being another person too...

He got into the car and watched me while he waited for his sisters to get ready with their shopping in the car. I was leaning against a lamppost, admiring his curly blond hair, while thinking how he looked like an angel. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen? Big green eyes that stared at me with an intense glow... I don't know if it's my imagination, but it seemed that his eyes transmitted a lot of love, they seemed to release sparks of passion. A tenderness took possession of me, making me believe that I had already been in his arms, kissed his fleshy lip and heard promises of eternal love from a husky and sensual voice, I even delighted with this sensation.

We continued to stare at each other for a long time... Until I realized that I was smiling at him, but he wasn't smiling. He just watched. Then I felt that he was saying goodbye... At that moment I was not sad, and continued to smile at him. The goodbye didn't seem to me to be for a long time. Until today I cannot put into words what I felt for him fairly... I don't know... Maybe an eternal emotion... A love that understands absence, that doesn't fall apart with time. And for some reason I knew it was the same he felt for me. But the strangest thing was that I had never seen him before and yet it was as if we had known each other for a long time, as if we could communicate through a simple look... There was something greater, an invisible force that united us even when we were not together. It was as if he knew me and had been accompanying me along all my paths. It was good to imagine that there was someone who rejoiced in my victories and consoled me in my defeats even though I could not see him.

I intuitively knew at that moment that I was dreaming. And along with this certainty a feeling of emptiness and loss. Then with a look I said goodbye and knew that I would meet him again. His eyes promised me that, while my heart insistently warned me that this reunion would not be as good as I wished, and a bad omen oppressed my chest.

And it was with this feeling that I woke up. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the sky. It was clear and with many clouds, and the temperature was extremely comforting and pleasant. It took me a while to realize that I was lying on the ground. I got up and absent-mindedly dusted off my clothes and started walking. I wanted to get home soon. I stopped. But...Home? Agony took hold of me. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know where to go and worse; I didn't even know who I was.

I looked around looking for something familiar, a clue to where I was, but nothing! Everything was strange... To my despair I didn't recognize anything! Why was I lying there? Why couldn't I remember? Doubts started going through my head... Was I one of those people who had no home, no family, no roof, and who sleep on park benches and sidewalks, or under bridges? No! Something told me that I did have a home and a family!

But then why couldn't I remember? I heard some voices behind a bush and went to check, maybe I would find the answer there. I opened some space between the bushes and discovered some people walking there quietly. I confess that I was even more lost, because those people who were passing by showed no curiosity about my presence. Either I was invisible or they were too insensitive to realize how lost I was. Everything was so strange there. Everything seemed like a dream. I felt a strange sensation of unreality, everything was so different... Even the trees seemed to bloom in a purposefully perfect way. There was a natural swimming pool where children of various ages played carelessly. One of these children caught my attention the most because he seemed to resemble someone I knew. She had long black hair and was beautiful. For a moment I watched her, but as soon as she noticed my gaze she ran away and disappeared. Then I looked and saw a lady sitting on a stool watching the children play.

I approached the lady, who now more closely surprised me to realize that despite her gray hair, she had a young and beautiful face.

"Please..." I said already at her side and at the same instant she turned around and seemed only at that moment to notice my presence.

"Yes, my child? Sit here by my side." She said kindly and moved aside and gave me room on the bench. I obeyed. I was about to introduce myself, when I remembered that I didn't know my name. This reality brought a wry smile to my lips. So I decided to get to the point.

"Could the lady tell me what city we are in?"

"City?" She seemed confused, so I decided to explain, because she must have thought I was a lunatic. After all, it was rare for someone to not even know the city they were in.

"You don't have to be scared. It's just that... Well, I'm not sure, but I seem to have lost my memory and I can't seem to..."

"No my child." She interrupted me. "I'm not scared, it's just that we're not in a city. Not like you imagine." She said covering with a hug the space we could see.

"No? Then where are we? In a park somewhere? But even if so it would have to be in some city!" I said the last words more to myself.

A gleam of understanding passed in her eyes and then she looked at me with compassion and said in a sad voice;

"So you still don't know..."

And before I could ask what she was talking about, she continued;

"Do you see that brother who is talking to the red-headed girl?"

I followed the direction she was pointing and saw who she was talking about. Why hadn't I noticed them before? The man was a gentleman, also gray-haired, with a frank smile that made me sympathize with him immediately.

"Go to him my child, he will be able to help you."

I thanked him with a smile and getting to my feet, I was grateful to get away from that woman. I didn't like being the target of pity and I also thought she was very crazy.

I walked towards the man, but a doubt accompanied me on my way. That lady referred to him as "brother", could it be that I had been brainwashed? This would explain why I couldn't remember anything... It would also explain that strange place, where the trees were in harmony with the plants, like a perfect scenery... too perfect to be real. Everything seemed to be purposely placed there to deceive and enchant. No one could deny that it was a beautiful setting and that in a way, it was so pleasant that you didn't want to leave it. But this could have been done exactly so that people would have that feeling. Even the ground was grass that looked like a fluffy carpet. And the people were scary. They didn't seem to care about anything around them. My God! Where were you, anyway? I knew that I had to act calmly and control my fears in order not to draw wrong and hasty conclusions.

When I got closer, I realized that the girl talking to him must have been about my age, which was good, because a person who thought like I did could be of great value. I stopped very close, wondering whether or not to interrupt the conversation, and somehow he realized my presence and with a gesture, asked me to wait. I then stood at a certain distance, watching the two of them talk. It was all so strange! I could understand perfectly everything he said to the girl, but I couldn't understand anything she said. It was as if she spoke in another language, but I understood perfectly well what he was saying in his own language.

Suddenly, the girl with her back to me turned around and faced me. And after a while, a few seconds actually, her face changed and she looked at me in a hostile way. Actually, I didn't mind, imagining that she might be jealous, after all I had already received several hostile looks because of my appearance that always attracted the attention of men and inevitably the jealousy of women. I looked away and ended up being distracted by the children jumping in the pool and laughing, looking so happy...

I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder and turned around startled. It was the gray-haired gentleman. He smiled gently and I looked around for the girl, but she had disappeared.

"You will meet her again. You have a lot to talk about."

I looked at him in amazement, because deep down I really felt like seeing her again. But it was just a very shy, almost unconscious feeling, and somehow that man managed to catch it.

"Who is she?" I asked before I could even curb my words. What did I care who she was? There were more important things to know!

"Her name is Giovana." He replied as if that explained everything.

"Oh yes..."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, but I had some setbacks with some stubborn brothers, and I couldn't come right away, however now I am at your disposal, come, let's sit down to talk more comfortable.... I've been monitoring you for so long and when you wake up I'm not there..." He said with genuine regret.

"Thank you for your kindness, but if you don't mind I don't want to sit down, I just want to know where I am and how I get out of here."

"Relax you'll get all your questions answered in a moment."

"Who are you anyway? Why do you act like you have some responsibility..."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Antonio, and yes, I am responsible for the brothers who arrive here, to let them know their new condition."

"Very nice to meet you Antonio, if I knew I could tell you my name, but it seems my memory is playing tricks on me, some things I remember and other things I don't, but that's beside the point, I just want to know how to get out of this place."

He looked at me as if he could see deep into my soul.

"I think you'd better sit down. What I have to tell you is something of vital importance and you'd better sit down."

I began to despair and become afraid. Why didn't he tell me right away what that seat was? Why so much suspense for such a simple question?

"Look, I don't want to sit down! I just want to get out of here! I guess I was mistaken in thinking you could help me..."

"Really, if you don't sit down and calm down it will be impossible to help you. How can you understand or believe what I have to tell you if you are so impatient? Then you will never see the truth that surrounds you and your new condition and your real state..."

I tried to read in his eyes the meaning of what he had just said. Her words sounded so senseless or even unfocused to me... but what I saw and felt was an infinite goodness that emanated from her entire being, it was so natural that it was almost palpable. Without another word I decided to sit down, and he followed me silently. It seemed, or I felt, I don't know for sure, that he was sad, that he felt a lot of compassion for me, but how could he if he didn't even know me? Did he know nothing about my life? Or did he? I remembered something he said, and I became uneasy with those words.

"What did he mean by new condition and actual state? Am I sick by any chance?"

He stared at me for a few seconds, then turned his face and stared at some point, before answering very seriously;

"No. You are not sick. In fact, you will never get sick again. At least not while you are here."

I was surprised by that answer. This was a first! I couldn't help laughing until my eyes filled with tears. When I managed to stop myself, I accepted the handkerchief he kindly offered, surprising myself again that he didn't seem offended by my outburst of laughter.

"What about those children? Don't you think it's dangerous that they are having fun in a pool, with no one to watch and protect them? They could drown!" I said, prioritizing the safety of the children.

"They are not in any danger. Just like you, nothing can hurt them here."

"What are you trying to convince me of?" I asked, staring at him indignantly, feeling a new anger rising inside me.

"You don't need to be convinced of anything.... You are already aware of what happened to you.... You just need to accept it... Actually being scared is normal and understandable. Everyone tries to escape in a different way..."

"I don't know anything! Why don't you try to be clearer?"

"The truth girl is in front of you, why don't you try to accept and resign yourself to what can't be changed?"

I got serious. What was he talking about?

"Who am I?" My lips moved before I could stop them from formulating such a question. It was like a thought nagging at me that instead of passing through my brain first to be evaluated and processed logically, it went straight through, bypassing all the bureaucracies and came out in my voice.

He smiled understandingly and only then did I understand that it was better not to hear it from him. And it was then that that girl, who had looked at me in a hostile way, reappeared out of nowhere and I watched her as she approached. She was really very beautiful, with her long red hair and big green eyes. Eyes that carried a wild and defiant glow. I felt like I knew her from somewhere.

Antonio stood up and introduced us, but she ignored my outstretched hand. I looked at Antonio with a totally clumsy expression and he just said he was sorry. She had looked at me with such contempt and then turned her back to me and returned to Antonio talking to him as if begging him for something. I didn't know why, but that disregard hurt me deeply. I felt guilty, but I didn't know what for or why. My eyes filled with tears of indeterminate guilt. I shook my head and began to seriously consider the possibility that I was crazy. And there could be a mental hospital. How could a girl I had never seen before arouse such feelings of guilt? And after all, why so much resentment? At first I thought it was because of my appearance, but it made no sense. She is beautiful! There was no reason for all that contempt... Unless, of course, we really were in an insane asylum. And when she finally said goodbye to Antonio, she gave me a look full of hatred and resentment. I confess that I was impressed and even flinched at the intensity and strength that emanated from his entire being. It's incredible, but for a moment I even forgot about my problems and watching her walk away I couldn't help but ask Antonio.

"Why does she hate me so much anyway?"

"She doesn't hate you. Even though it's a different truth than yours, she just like you, refuses to accept inevitable facts."

"I can't understand you. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and you speak as if it is purposeful my ignorance of what is occurring."

He opened his mouth to answer me, but stopped himself as he spotted something.

"Look! There is the answer to your questions."

I followed with my gaze where he was pointing, but saw nothing but someone approaching. I still didn't understand. Who could it be?

However, as he approached, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. My eyes filled with tears and I ran towards him, I didn't need to see anymore to know who it was, my heart was screaming inside; my father! It was my father! And suddenly, in one of those inopportune moments of lucidity, I stopped. I must have really been crazy. My father had been dead for years. How could I be there? I went to his funeral myself. I shed tears over his coffin. Then a flash of confused memories flashed through my mind, but I chased them away with the arrival of my beloved father. The emotion was too great to think of conjectures at that point. If I was delirious or crazy or dreaming that was! I wanted to stay like this forever. I reached out to him and threw myself into his arms and was greeted with a strong hug and the same intensity of feeling. I could feel it. It was so real! I pulled away a little, just enough to see his beloved face. Serene, with a little bit of severity. The hair turning gray on the sides... He seemed to have stopped in time, he hadn't changed at all. But when I looked into his eyes... They were sad! He even tried to disguise it, but it was too late. I had already realized.

"Father?"

"Yes, my child."

"Why are you sad? Weren't you happy to see me?"

"It is nothing of the sort, my child.... Of course I'm glad to see you again! It's just that... You are still so young..."

"I don't understand. Why do you say that?"

Papa didn't answer and looked confused at Antonio.

"Nothing. I'm sorry I was late, but the moment Geisa told me she had woken up, I was in an emergency, but I came as soon as I could."

Only then did I notice the presence of the girl accompanying him. Geisa was a beautiful girl with gray eyes and black hair. I remembered seeing her together with the children playing in the pool. Now she was there, leaning between daddy's legs, also watching me, like a shy child. She reminded me of someone... But who? I turned my gaze to Dad and the comparison was inevitable. The same hair, the same eyes, the same complexion. Of course! Geisa is my little sister! But... My God, what was happening? How could she be there if she had died years ago?

It was only then that I suddenly remembered everything, my whole life. My story was playing out before me like in a movie where I was the spectator? My childhood... My brothers... My parents... My fiancé... My mother calling our attention not to play in the rain, the rush to get ready to go to school, the happiness for the birth of the newest member of the family; Geisa, and the despair years later with her death, because of a stupid pneumonia... My older brother's wedding... My dreams, disappointments, joys, doubts common to teenagers...

Claudio! My older brother's name is Claudio. Then Emerson, three years younger than Claudio and two years older than me... Oh yes, now I remember, I'm Elizabeth. I remembered my fiancé and my eyes that were already watering let a tear fall. He was my first love, my first boyfriend. It was sharing with him that I experienced my first doubts, my first certainties, joys, disappointments and the first thrill of a hidden courtship. He was the first and only one. At that time I believed that I would never love another man. Julio... How I miss him... He went from a loving boyfriend to a dedicated fiancé. We were going to get married and never fought. We had a perfect and unique relationship... And today, thinking about all that I have been through I realized something that before had gone unnoticed, Julio was always with me. In the best and worst moments. In my graduation, in the parties, in Claudio's wedding, in the big and difficult decisions, in Geisa's funeral and years later, in Dad's as well. They were irreparable losses for the whole family. Mom almost went along... But the years went by and the pain turned into longing. Suffering was no longer the predominant characteristic in the family. Although we never accepted it, we resigned ourselves... I saw Mom's despair when I traded the car I got when I turned eighteen for a motorcycle. It was a dream I had had since I was a little girl; a motorcycle! And I had the support of my brothers... I saw the truck coming disorderly, and my vain attempt to dodge it, then the huge noise of the crash and being thrown into a huge ravine by the impact of the crash. I felt an indescribable pain. I remember hearing voices beside me and being removed, then I felt anesthetized and without the pain, I fell into a deep sleep and woke up in that place.