Kiss Me Not

Celine.

The majority of my life was spent in an orphanage, a place that had become my home, and I had no idea who my biological parents were. They were completely unknown to me at that time, shrouded in a thick veil of mystery that I never fully grasped or understood. The administrator of the orphanage treated me with a tenderness that felt familial, almost maternal, which was something I had longed for. She was an admirable person, embodying kindness and compassion toward all of us children who lived under her care and protection. She once shared with me that after an extensive investigation, the police had discovered me lost near the airport, a bewildered child in a vast, unfamiliar world. They had speculated that my parents might have been foreigners, possibly from another country, looking for a way to escape something much larger than themselves.

But despite their efforts, they came up empty-handed, never even catching a glimpse of either of my parents, as if they had vanished into thin air, leaving no trace behind. When I finally came to my senses, it dawned on me that my parents had abandoned me on purpose, a realization that was both painful and bewildering. Why would they do such a thing? I had no answers to that haunting question, and it wasn't something I had ever spent much time pondering or investigating. Perhaps I was simply resigned to my dreary karma, accepting my fate without question, feeling as if I had no choice but to move forward in this life.

It was not until that night that darkness enveloped my thoughts completely, casting a shadow over my heart. It was my 18th birthday, a milestone that should have felt celebratory and joyful. My friends from the orphanage, along with the manager and a few teachers, surprised me with a fantastic birthday party that I would never forget, a memory I would cherish forever. Their thoughtful gestures filled me with warmth and gratitude, making me feel special for the first time in years. We celebrated with delicious cake, joyous laughter, and dancing that echoed throughout the dimly lit room, creating a magical atmosphere that made me feel alive.

Exhaustion finally claimed us all, and one by one, we drifted off into slumber, except for me. The manager beckoned me to follow her to her office, her expression tinged with concern and seriousness. I could tell something was troubling her, as if she were on the verge of sharing some unsettling news that would change everything for me.

Panic began to bubble within me, a feeling I couldn't shake, and my mind raced with all kinds of terrible scenarios. Yet, it never crossed my mind to wonder what she might reveal, what important information she was holding back. When she caught me yawning, she turned to me with a stern look over her shoulder and repeated, "I told you to follow me, Celine. Now, let's go to my office. It's important."

I blinked in confusion and hesitantly asked, "Could we please talk first thing in the morning?" I tried to maintain my politeness, though my frown betrayed my growing worry and anxiety.

She rubbed her temples in frustration and firmly replied, "No, now. We need to discuss this immediately."

With a heavy sigh, I trailed closely behind her, my heart pounding in my chest. Upon arriving at her office, I lowered my gaze respectfully, placing my hands at my sides, trying to appear composed despite the turmoil within me. She sighed deeply and slumped into her chair, her expression weary and burdened. "Celine. You're eighteen now. What exactly are your plans for the future? What do you intend to do next?"

I stepped closer to her desk, my smile awkward and uncertain, filled with a mix of hope and dread. "Plans for what exactly? Please excuse me, but I don't quite understand what you mean."

Nothing made sense to me! I couldn't adjust to her stern demeanor or her serious tone. She was usually so kind and gentle, like an angel in disguise, but now she seemed anxious and troubled, as if grappling with something significant that weighed heavily on her heart.

She fidgeted nervously with her fingers, unsure of how to begin. After a moment that felt like an eternity, she exhaled deeply, stood up, and approached me. The distance between us felt like mere inches, and I could sense the gravity of her words, the weight of the moment settling around us. "Celine, you are required to leave the orphanage by morning in accordance with the policies of the facility. This is not a decision I take lightly."

I was flabbergasted, my breath catching in my throat as I struggled to comprehend her words. "Leave? How? Where? To what end? You're kidding, right?" I struggled to smile, hoping against hope that she was joking or perhaps had found a job for me or some other opportunity that would allow me to stay.

She lowered her hands and began to mumble through her explanation, her voice barely above a whisper. "You have to get out of this place and learn to rely on yourself. For many years, we have taken care of your needs, but now is the time for you to find the things that will make you happy-like a job, a house, and eventually a family of your own. You can't stay here indefinitely, Celine. It's time to face the world."

My heart raced, pounding heavily in my chest as I processed her words. The nervousness washed over me in waves, making me break into a sweat, my palms clammy with fear. I felt a panic attack rising within me. "No, please don't evict me from this establishment! Since I was a child, I haven't ventured beyond these four walls. I have no friends, no family, and nowhere to go because I am homeless! Please," I begged her, desperation creeping into my voice. Tears began to cascade down my cheeks, a heartbreaking sight that shattered my resolve and left me feeling utterly lost.

Where on earth was I supposed to go?

She moved closer, cupping my cheeks gently with her hands, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears that mirrored my own sorrow. "I'm very sorry, Celine. Unfortunately, I can't help you. Except-"

She offered me a few dollars, wiping my tears away with a tenderness that felt both comforting and heartbreaking. "I don't have much money, but you know that already. This is the best I can do for you. I sincerely apologize, but the time has come for you to pack your belongings and leave in just a few hours. I wish you the best of luck in whatever comes next for you."

When I attempted to speak, the words caught in my throat, tangled in a web of emotion. Even before I left the building, I felt as if I were already living on the streets, a chill creeping into my bones. I rarely left the orphanage unless it was for a group outing, like a picnic or a doctor's appointment-once a year at most! How could I possibly survive on my own?

I dropped to my knees, clutching the hem of her dress in desperation. "Please, hear me out! If you need a maid, I'm available. I can help! Please let me stay here. I haven't even completed the minimum requirements to get a job anywhere. I need more time."

That was true, to some extent. I had been awarded a high school diploma designed specifically for homeschoolers, which, in the grand scheme of things, didn't really mean much in the job market, especially in a world that felt so big and daunting.

She helped me to my feet, her voice firm yet tinged with sadness that echoed my own. "Could you please leave now? Leave my office immediately. And I don't want to see you when you return in the morning. It's for your own good."

She turned her back on me, a gesture that felt like a knife to my heart, cutting deeply into the bond we had formed. I had treated her as if she were my actual mother, someone who would care for me unconditionally!

As I walked away, I could feel the ground trembling beneath my feet, each step heavy with the weight of my despair. I struggled to breathe normally, my vision blurring from tears that refused to stop. But I had no choice. I sobbed uncontrollably, dragging my feet as I awaited the dawn, the first rays of light that might bring clarity. I had made up my mind to leave at that very moment, even if it terrified me.