REASONS

"Tyler? What are you doing in there? Come out and get your food. You haven't eaten anything since yesterday yet. Please, take care of yourself."

I continued knocking on DJ's room where Tyler is, but he never opened the door for us. Yesterday, he hasn't eaten anything from morning until noon. The other day, he hasn't eaten enough. I wonder how his stomach feels since he wouldn't come out. And now, it's nearly dusk but I haven't heard anything from him wanting to eat.

We're worried about him. I'm totally scared because I don't have an idea of what he was doing inside the room. Was he hurting himself? Well, I hope he wasn't. When his friends force themselves to barge into that room, he just shooed them and keep in shouting at them as if it was a big mistake.

I haven't seen him for two days and I don't know what to do just to talk to him without him getting mad.

Whenever we walk in front of the room, all I can hear is his voice in misery; crying his pain.

We're sad about him because I know that the word 'sad' and 'hurting' are not enough when we are talking about his situation right now. So pitiful.

"Just leave me alone! I don't need you! I don't need anybody of you! All I want is her! I want to see her!" And then he cried loudly.

I pitied him but because of what he said, I felt annoyed. I forcefully slammed the door in front of me. "Fuck it up, Tyler! You're not the only one who's being left. You're not the only one who feels alone! We're the ones who should act like that because we know each other since we were kids. We're with each other to the point where we treated each other as family. Do not talk like that as if it was only you who got hurt when she left. Do not act like that as if you're the only one who's hurting!" I felt someone hugging me from the back, but it is not the reason for me to stop. "Two years, Tyler! You're with her and you knew her for only two years! But we, she was with us since we were kids! For almost all of her life, we are her accomplices, so don't act as if you're the most important thing in her life! This is so fucked up!"

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" Tyler shouted back at me. "Leave me alone because, just like you said, you're the one who has the right to be hurt now!" I heard him suddenly loud crying which made my eyes feel heated. I took a deep breath and looked up to hold back my tears. "She is all I needed..." His voice was weak but we could still hear what he said, we could hear him crying so I couldn't stop myself from crying too. "All I want is her... Just her... Just her... Just her..." It was almost a whisper in our ear.

We understood that he's hurting right now... But, can't he think and have cared for himself? He doesn't want to eat anymore. I always heard him crying every night. I understand why he's being like this that's why all I can feel right now is pity for him. It's exhausting. Even, I also need someone to lean on at these times because I'm also hurt by her sudden disappearance. I hope he takes care of himself even though he's going through something now, right?

I was about to slam the door again when I felt Ciara's restraint on me. "Ivy, stop..." She burst into tears. Her tears fall through her cheeks continuously, nonstop. "Let him do what he wanted for now... Let him realize that what he was doing is not good for his health." She sobbed as she wiped her cheek which was wet with tears.

I stepped back and wiped my eyes then nodded.

Maybe I should let him go first. He doesn't need us... It came from him.

I turned my back on that door and slowly started walking, followed by my friends and Tyler's friends. I was only five steps away when we heard something break. I turned around again and looked at that door... I did not move. I was just staying where I am standing when I heard the noise.

I just watched my friends run over there again and slam that door. "Tyler?! Tyler?! What are you doing, Tyler?! Open the door!" Ciara shouted in confusion as she slammed the door. "Tyler!" She was in tears again as if Tyler didn't hear anything because we didn't hear an answer from him, he also didn't open the door for my friends and he just kept breaking things that he found inside of the room.

I turned around and hurried to the living room to calm myself.

I'm already being nice to him... But he doesn't seem to see that, he doesn't appreciate it so I'd better just let him go and let him do what he wants. I can not just control his life. I'm just the girlfriend of his friend.

I leaned my head on the back of the sofa and closed my eyes and looked up... There were tears in my eyes again.

Where are you, DJ? Your boyfriend is going crazy! Come back, as soon as possible!

I sat up and accidentally looked at the coffee table in front of me... I immediately looked at the paper that was just placed on top of that table. When I remembered what was written there, then the tears I was holding back began to flow. It truly hurts how she left us without leaving any single word.

DJ wrote that letter for Tyler, she left it in her room. We left school because we couldn't find her anywhere. She hadn't finished her speech yet she left immediately for I do not know reasons. She just got off the stage and ran outside. I tried to chase her but she immediately disappeared from my sight.

I'm worried, DJ. I don't know where you went... I don't know why you suddenly became like that, but maybe it's not right for you to just leave and leave us who love you... You're making me crazy into thinking where the heck you went... Where did you go?!

I held my mouth as I handed over that paper, preventing myself from making any noise, I prevented myself from crying because what was written there re-entered my mind. It is so draining and exhausting.

My hand trembled when I stared at that letter from her again. During the time I was staring at it, I was able to remember all the single word that was written there. I just sobbed. I can't do anything. She left without leaving any word, she left without leaving any clue where she was going. You're making me exhausted, DJ...

Tyler, don't look

after me. You just

break my heart and

turned it into pieces.

I'm leaving...

I'll pick up those

pieces of my heart in

another place. I need

you but you're with

someone else... Don't

worry, I'll show

myself to you whenever

I want.

Your babe,

DJ.

Until on her last word, it was Tyler she was still thinking about. Didn't she ever think about me, or us, when he was writing this? The pain in it. I am the person who values and loves her too much but she didn't even mention us here in this letter, I am disgusted and offended.

You are so selfish, DJ! Didn't you even think about how we would feel before you were able to leave?! You are so very selfish! But what can I do? I have no choice but to wait for her to come back, I know she will come back. That is what she told me. I'm still hoping.

But what I don't understand is why on the day of his father's death when she left. Her older brother is still in a coma. I don't know if she knows about that, but it doesn't seem to be. Because if she knew about it, she would never leave us.

I folded the letter a few times and then hid it in my wallet. I looked up the stairs to DJ's room as the noise got louder from there. I knew they were shouting but I couldn't understand what I am hearing so I was sad while going back there.

They're gone... I went closer to DJ's room and saw that the door was slightly opened. I open the door widely and the scattered ones caught my eye.

Extremely cluttered...

My forehead furrowed when I saw several bottles of wine placed in various parts of the room, some of which were broken. I slowly turned to Tyler. It was as if my heart pounded when I saw how he looked. If DJ only sees him, she will feel sorry for him and scold him... She will hit him over and over again when she happens to, but no. She can't see Tyler's condition right now because she left without saying goodbye.

He looks like a panda because of his eyes are surrounded by black something. His body is also losing weight. The dress he was wearing, if I'm not mistaken, is also what he was wearing the other day. He hasn't taken a bath yet. It's just a shirt and red shorts. He was sitting on the floor, he was also bent over his elbows lying on the bed and there, like a child crying.

I wanted to approach him and hug him to calm him down, but he made me angry. I want to comfort him but I know he won't stop crying until he sees DJ.

"Tyler... stop ruining yourself," Ciara said tearfully. "You haven't done anything wrong so stop blaming yourself. No one knows the real reason why she left so please stop..." She's tapping Tyler's back, pity.

"No! I'm the reason why she left! You read her letter, didn't you?! It is my fault! I am the reason why she's not with me right now!"

"What did you do, Tyler?" Naomi asked.

He could not answer immediately and look down at his arms again. There he repeatedly shook. "I don't know... I don't know," he whispered.

I averted my eyes because he looked pitiful. I didn't know what to do, especially since I was also affected by DJ's sudden disappearance.

"What should I do for you to stop doing this. Look at yourself... Ciara.

"No... You won't do anything. Don't worry about me. I can handle myself," he answers sobbing.

"Where are you going?" Conrad asked when he noticed me leaving the room.

I smiled bitterly at him. "I'm going to uncle," I answered then after that I turned around and slammed the door shut.

I walked to the living room to see Tito's body lying inside the coffin. I immediately went there and caressed the glass, I cried again silently.

Uncle... Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there to help and save the three of us even if you are not relative to us. I know you're not a bad person so I know this isn't what should happen to you. Of all my life... You've been here beside me. I'm hurt because you're gone, but I have to accept that because... it already happened. Uncle, please help us find your daughter. We didn't know what we were going to do. She must know what happened to you.

I washed my face using my palm to remove the tears from my cheeks but it didn't matter because the tears were still flowing down my cheeks.

Why are you guys like this? You are the only one left who serves as a father in my life but why did you also choose to leave us? How about DJ, why did you leave DJ, uncle? It was our graduation day. It was your daughter's graduation but you made it the most unforgettable moment in her life. But I hope you are happy wherever you are. Rest in peace, uncle.

I sobbed and looked up when I felt a hand on my back. "Auntie..." I hugged her. This is what I need at these times. In the two days that all this has happened, I haven't yet hugged anyone to lean on.

It feels good, it feels so light and I finally have a shoulder to cry on. "Shh... honey," she sobbed. I hugged her tightly and she also hugged me.

She is my uncle's wife, DJ's mommy. I know she is hurting more now because two important people in her life have left her, one is still confined. During these times I was even more impressed with my aunt's courage. How did she handle that matter? She is very strong... I hope I am too.

I let go of her hug. "Auntie, uncle left us, then DJ... DJ left us too, auntie. What should we do now?"

"I-I'll try to find her. I know she needs time for herself but I'm still worried about her... she's out of my sight." She cried again. She also wiped her eyes with the handkerchief he had been holding for a long time.

"Auntie..." I didn't know what to say so I just hugged her again.

I'm proud of her, she can handle herself even if she's suffering.

We just let go of each other's hugs when we heard the noise of my friends. I immediately leaned over them and hugged Naomi.

I knew she was grieving too, and at the same time angry with DJ. Her forehead was always furrowed as if she was always thinking about something deeply.

I heard Ciara crying so I hugged her also. "Ivy..." I caressed her back, still hugging her. "They both left us," she said sadly then she pressed her face to my neck. I also cried harder because of that.

Why are you doing this to me, DJ? You have no mercy! You would rather be alone than join us in mourning the death of your daddy, you have no heart! You are so selfish!

Ciara and I were the only ones crying at that time... Uncle was a very important person in our lives. He brought me to live in times when we thought there was no reason for us to live because we had no one in life. We thought we were alone but he came. I met him and he helped me get over the sadness I felt in the days when I was also grieving the death of my parents. I had no siblings so I was the only one left when they died.

We were all idiots just staring straight ahead where uncle's coffin was. My aunt also takes care of my uncle's visitors. There are so many visitors because they are in business. Some of them are from other countries. He is a very good person, I really can't accept that this is where he ends up now...

He doesn't even deserve this.

"Hija... Hijo... go up to your room. Go to sleep because it is time to be in bed."

No one refused what she said, we all stupidly walked to our room, to sleep and rest.