I Found Love at Thirty Two

I woke up feeling the warmth of the sun embracing my nakedness. I found my belt, necktie, and pants all over the place together with "her" lingerie.

I got up and checked my wrist watch. I needed to wake up at six in the morning to meet a client at eight but ended up waking quarter to 12.

I don't know, but yes, I did it again. I tried so hard not to bring someone in my unit but I let my guard down and succumb to the pleasure of doing "it" with a print ad model I met last night.

There is always a thrill hearing women scream my name. It makes me feel loved, important, appreciated. It is as if I have a skill to make women ecstatic and the feeling of being free and taking control is surreal.

I got my phone and dialed Aaron's number. Aaron is my business partner who used to be a drinking buddy.

Meeting him was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. You see, I grew up with a lot of insecurities being a young boy, with fair skin, with Caucasian missionary parents. I always have questioned my identity until I found out that I am a Filipino, abandoned by my father when I was still in my mom's womb. My mom died while giving birth to me and I was adopted by my parents who brought me to Australia. My parents were benefactors of a foundation who helps single moms who got pregnant out of marriage.

We grew up together. Aaron's family migrated when he was 10. We would always play and study together. He taught me how to speak and understand Tagalog but still I would have a hard time paminsan minsan.

Eventually, when we reached 17, we started experimenting and enjoying engaging in casual "night out" with various women but now that he is engaged to the lady he fell head over heels with, it is just me alone bar hopping, checking out woman I'd be attracted to and taking her as my own. As long as I feel the attraction, I'd find a way to get her clothes off her body.

"William, don't come up with some lame excuses. I bet the therapy is not helping you at all. Man, you missed an important meeting and you lost the deal Ano ba gising ka ba? Isa kang malaking G***!"

I pictured Aaron hitting his table and throwing crumpled papers randomly. I know he is mad and every time he is mad, he curses in Tagalog as if I don't understand.

"Pare, please understand. I was doing okay for the past 3 days with therapy but yesterday was different."

"Yeah I know. When you told me you'd seek professional help, I know you'd fail. Man, your hormones are always ready, but common, please know how to prioritize, this deal is something important!"

"I'm really sorry. Just, just give me another chance."

"Whatever you say. Get your a** here in the office if you want our business to fly. If not, just forget about it and yeah, waste the two years we've worked hard for, no I mean, I've worked hard for!"

He put down the phone and I was left staring blankly at my ceiling. I combed my hair through my hands. Aaron is right.

Dalawang taon nang nakalilipas mula nang maisipan naming umuwi ng Pilipinas para dito magtayo ng sarili naming negosyo. Mahirap kasi sa Australia lalo at mataas ang kompetisyon. Isa pa, gusto ko ring takasan ang mga magulang ko dahil alam kong masasaktan lang sila if they'd know the things I've been doing.

I feel bad about last night but I didn't have a choice.

That woman I met at the grocery store yesterday awakened the desire I tried to hold for 3 days and yeah, we were not even in a bar. We were at a grocery story, a place where you can set aside sensual thoughts but I was not able to control mine.

She was wearing a rather plain dress hugging every curve of her body. Pareho kaming nasa canned goods section nang mahagip siya ng mga mata ko. She was checking every label, reading them and biting her lips from time to time.

Ewan ko ba, naisip ko, mas okay siguro kung ako na lang ang kakagat sa mga labi niya.

I tried to put away my thoughts but my body has betrayed me. When I saw her moving to the Noodles section, I found my cart moving to her direction.

Mabuti na lang at ginawa ko dahil kung hindi baka napaano na siya.

Biglang nagbagsakan yung mga noodles mula sa standee at naramdaman ko na lang ang sarili kong tumakbo papalapit sa kanya.

She was so shocked kaya nabitawan niya ang phone niya at nagtalsikan ang mga parts nito. I looked into her eyes at pinilit na maging normal.

***

"Are you okay dear?"

She didn't answer but just stared at me.

"Hey, okay ka lang?"

"Thank you for the help. I better go."

"Not so fast miss. I mean can we grab a cup of coffee or something?"

"Huh?"

"You know. Payment for being a Good Samaritan."

"Ahmmmm".

That ahmmmmm nailed it. Konting konti na lang talaga. Konting konti na lang.

"Mama, look at what I've found."---- May cute na batang babaeng tumakbo papalapit sa amin at nalungkot ako na isiping may pamilya na pala siya. Akala ko naman, pwede siya. Akala ko.

Kahit na mahilig ako sa mga casual night outs, hinding hindi ako pumapatol sa may asawa. Mali na nga ang ginagawa ko, ayoko ng dagdagan pa. I can have pleasure doing it with single women. Yung walang attachment.

"Who is he po mama?"

Hinila ng bata ang damit niya na siyang naging dahilan para bumukas ng bahagya ang butones ng dress niya. I didn't stare but I saw that she is wearing a black brassiere with with laces.

"Hello princess. Where's your papa?"---Pinilit kong magpakasaya para hindi halatang apektado ako sa mga nangyayari.

"Why are you my mama's boyfriend?"

Di ko napigilang mapangiti. Her daughter is so protective of her.

"We better leave. Thank you for helping me."

With that, she grabbed her child and left me in need.

***

That night, I ended up partying again and met this model. Malakas ang pakiramdam ko kapag gusto ako ng babae at alam kong gusto niya ko. I just had to release the tension the "grocery lady" has caused me. I invited the model over to my unit and did it.

I screwed up. If I continue doing this, wala nang magbabago sa buhay ko. Pero ibang klase lang talaga. Pakiramdam ko sa tuwing nagagawa ko yun, malaya ako. All my life I grew up being told what to do and what not to do. Restricted ang lahat ng kilos ko hanggang I started living two lives---one that is pleasing my missionary parents and the other pleasing myself.

Last week though, nagising ako na may nagsasabi sa aking kailangan kong kumilos at baguhin ang buhay ko lalo at hindi na ako bata. I turned 29 last month. Naisip kong humanap ng tulong. I started my therapy pero 3 days palang, nahulog akong muli.

"Hey sweetie, last night was awesome."

Nagulat ako na nandito pa pala ang babaeng to at suot pa ang damit ko.

"Why are you wearing my polo? Get yourself off that?!"

Hinubad nga niya ang damit ko. Pero sa halip na suotin niya ang damit niya, lumapit siya sa akin at hinalikan ako. I kissed back and pushed her away.

"I only do it once with every woman and were done."

"But sweetie.."

"I am giving you 10 minutes to pack your things and leave or I can call the security and let them drag you away."

She smiled and got her things, including my polo.

"Just let me keep this lover boy."

She banged the door and left me alone. I closed my eyes and tried to find peace.

Is there still a way out for me Lord?