I'm Right Where You Left Me

That familiar sensation again. I always feel that painful sensation coming from my nape down to my back and spinal cord whenever I am so so down. I don't know what that means but one thing is for sure, I always feel that sensation whenever I can't have something I really really want to have. And, that is just so frustrating for me.

The things that I want, were the things many young adult like me dreams to have right now. First, a decent job. A stable one on that matter. One that can pay our house's bills, my parents loans and my long desired merches from my favorite international artists.

Second to that, appreciation from all the people I treasure the most. Lastly, someone who will make my heart races in the most unexpected way and in the most unexpected scenario. Inshort, love life. And not just anyone, but the one whose God really made just for me. To be my lifetime partner.

And out of all the things that I have said, I definitely don't have any of it. I don't know if I am just unlucky or what. Back then, I always thought, I just have to finish studying in college, and that's it. I will have a decent job afterwards, I will earn lots of money and I can finally pay all the sacrifices my parents had to do for me.

But, I was wrong. So so wrong. I have come to realize that it's not that easy. Just because you want something so badly, it will come to you, effortlessly. No, it's definitely not the case. And what if you're also not a good person, then case closed. God is not that generous to people that is so disrespectful. Like me, I suppose.

Is it bad to wish for all of my sufferings to end? All those hurt feelings stuck deep in my heart solely because of those insults from my very own parents and siblings, always saying that I am not enough, that I am just good for nothing, just because I still don't have a decent job up until now.

Shit. I felt dizzy just by looking at the ground below me. Should I still pursue my plan tonight? Will I still jump here in the rooftop of our apartment where I am right now? But, if I won't jump from right here, right now, I will still wake up tomorrow in the same shitty situation where I am just living but slowly dying deep inside me.

And, if I jump. . if I jump. . will my mother cry for me? How about my father? And, my two siblings? Especially my younger brother? Hmm. I don't think so. Nah. The amount of times he always picks fight with me is just so hard. . to forget and miss, I bet he will be the first one to be happy if ever I will vanish.

My tears are still constantly flowing since the minute I set foot in here. Even though there's no single sob that can be heard from me, my tears are still doing it's job to show how much suffering I am enduring right at that very moment. My whole being is just screaming from unending pain.

I looked down again at the ground from where I was standing. I am here in the fourth floor, and it's not a joke that if ever I will jump from here in our rooftop, I will be dead the moment I reached the ground later below. I think that's for certain. Maybe the Grim Reaper will definitely get me after that, for sure.

I'm scared as hell. But, I needed to face it. I needed to conquer it. If I still cannot achieve this suicidal plan of mine tonight, I don't think I will ever achieve anything in my life afterwards just because of my cowardice.

Ohh my God! I suddenly remembered I am afraid of heights and high places. That's the very moment I have noticed that my knees are shaking from fear while I stand here particularly in our sofa that's near the railings of our apartment's rooftop. Maybe I didn't realized it sooner because I am so absorbed with my chain of thoughts a while ago.

I clenched my fists. I bite my lips. I exhaled some breath. One, two, three times. I am gaining back my lost confidence for this plan. I really needed to jump. I need to.

Wait a minute, what if, I'll just hang myself with a rope? Is that more convenient for me? I looked around the area and step down on our sofa for a while. I managed to bear the pain of my still shaking knees. Despite the darkness of my surroundings, I still tried to find a rope or something for the changed plan of killing myself tonight. But, a couple of minutes later, my shoulders dropped when I can't find any rope around me or anything similar to that.

I decided to come back on the top of our sofa to just stick back to my original plan of jumping off from there. Once again, I felt dizzy just by looking at the ground below. I fought my dizziness and stared at the dark sky above me.

Maybe, it's really for the better if I will just jump off from here, instead of hanging myself. Just by thinking of strangling my neck with a rope sends shivers throughout my body. I do think it's that painful, like I am watching a horror film done right in front of my very eyes. Grr.

Wow! Those stars above me, they are really beautiful. And lucky. Imagine being up there, just staying still and never minding any problems that will come up your way. Plus, the fact, that they are already shining on their own. It's just surreal and so majestic to see. I am so envy of them. I wish I was born as a star, but instead I was born as a lousy human being. How unlucky can I get, ehh?

I really really love my family. I really really love them that's why I am doing this. I don't want to burden them anymore. They can just think that when I vanish, they will gain more from it. Their expenses for food and other things will be much lower because of me, gone as good.

I closed my eyes. I asked for forgiveness from God. I also asked Him to take care of my family. And lastly, I asked Him to give my life to a much more deserving person. Much more deserving to live than me.

And also, I asked for forgiveness to myself. And wished that if ever God gave me a second chance even after killing myself tonight, I promise on my next life, I will be much better and much stronger than before.

This is it, I am going to jump now. I raised one of my feet to put it in the railings but before I can even raised my other foot after that, something freaking cold suddenly grasp my arm. To my utter shock, I shouted at the top of my lungs I thought I woke up our entire neighborhood because of that.

My shouting scene lasted for about a whole freaking minute before I finally decided to calm down. But, my whole body is still shaking from the shock that struck me a while ago and the very fact that the cold thing that grasp my arm is still freaking there!

"There's no ghost here. There's no ghost here." I chanted to myself repeatedly. I swear I wanted to faint right there and then but my curiosity got me first, so with trembling lips, I tilted my head to face the 'ghost'.

But contrary to what I am expecting, what I saw was much worse than a freaking ghost. The trembling of my body intensified, I really wanna jump off from there just to escape the odd creature in front of me.

A tall silhouette of a man wearing a long black robe is standing right in front of me. I stuttered my own words, "Grim Reaper?"

I didn't heard any response from the 'Grim Reaper' in front of me, that's why my cries a while ago suddenly resonated ugly trembling sobs coming from my throat partnered with hilarious hiccups.

"What the hell! I didn't jump off yet. . you're here to freaking fetch me?" I asked setting aside my fear just to scold this 'Grim Reaper' like crazy.

I tried to set my arm free from this 'Grim Reaper's' hold on it but to my dismay, he won't just budge. His hold is just so freaking tight, all the brokenhearted fellas in the world might get jealous of me because of it.

"Hey! Let me go! Let me go!" I swear my nose flared up with invisible smoke because of the sudden anger boiled within me. "Do you have a freaking crush on me? No? Then, let me go!" I can just imagine what kind of a mess my face is right at that very moment because of my mixed emotions.

Just then, the 'Grim Reaper' finally spoke, I was taken aback, not because of fear again, but with something else. Something like, a fluttering feeling in my stomach. His voice, it's just. . so deep yet. . so sexy.

"You don't have the right to kill yourself, Savana."