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Verse and Worse by Harry Graham
Chapter 1 ABROAD
Abroad is where we tourists spend,
In divers unalluring ways,
The brief occasional week-end,
Or annual Easter holidays;
And earn the (not ill-founded) charge
Of being lunatics at large.
Abroad, we lose our self-respect;
Wear whiskers; let our teeth protrude;
Consider any garb correct,
And no display of temper rude;
Descending, when we cross the foam,
To depths we dare not plumb at home.
(Small wonder that the natives gaze,
With hostile eyes, at foreign freaks,
Who patronise their Passion-plays,
In lemon-coloured chessboard breeks;
An op'ra-glass about each neck,
And on each head a cap of check.)
Abroad, where needy younger sons,
When void the parent's treasure-chest,
Take refuge from insistent duns,
At urgent relatives' request;
To live upon their slender wits,
Or sums some maiden-aunt remits.
Abroad, whence (with a wisdom rare)
Regardless of nostalgic pains,
The weary New York millionaire
Retires with his oil-gotten gains,
And learns how deep a pleasure 'tis
To found our Public Libraries.
For ours is the primeval clan,
From which all lesser lights descend;
Is Crockett not our countryman?
And call we not Corelli friend?
Our brotherhood has bred the brain
Whose offspring bear the brand of Caine.
Tho' nowadays we seldom hear
Miss Proctor, who mislaid a chord,
Or Tennyson, the poet peer,
Who came into the garden, Mord;
Tho' Burns be dead, and Keats unread,
We have a prophet still in Stead.
And so we stare, with nose in air;
And speak in condescending tone,
Of foreigners whose climes compare
So favourably with our own;
And aliens we cannot applaud
Who call themselves At Home Abroad!
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Chapter 1 ABROAD
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Chapter 2 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
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Chapter 3 GREAT BRITAIN
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Chapter 4 SCOTLAND
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Chapter 5 IRELAND
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Chapter 6 WALES
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Chapter 7 CHINA
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Chapter 8 FRANCE
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Chapter 9 GERMANY
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Chapter 10 HOLLAND
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Chapter 11 ICELAND
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Chapter 12 ITALY
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Chapter 13 JAPAN
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Chapter 14 PORTUGAL
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Chapter 15 RUSSIA
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Chapter 16 SPAIN
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Chapter 17 SWITZERLAND
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Chapter 18 TURKEY
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Chapter 19 DREAMLAND
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Chapter 20 STAGELAND
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Chapter 21 LOVERLAND
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Chapter 22 MOTHER-WIT
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Chapter 23 UNCLE JOE
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Chapter 24 AUNT ELIZA
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Chapter 25 ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
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Chapter 26 JOHN
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Chapter 27 BABY
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Chapter 28 'VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD'
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Chapter 29 'ENOUGH IS AS GOOD AS A FEAST'
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Chapter 30 'DON'T BUY A PIG IN A POKE'
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Chapter 31 'LEARN TO TAKE THINGS EASILY'
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Chapter 32 'A ROLLING STONE GATHERS NO MOSS'
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Chapter 33 'IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND'
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Chapter 34 'A BAD WORKMAN COMPLAINS OF HIS TOOLS'
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Chapter 35 'DON'T LOOK A GIFT-HORSE IN THE MOUTH'
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Chapter 36 POTPOURRI
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