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English Pharisees and French Crocodiles by Max O'Rell
English Pharisees and French Crocodiles Chapter 1 FOREIGNERS.
People very often speak ill of their neighbors, not out of wickedness, but merely out of laziness; it is so much easier to do so than to study their qualities and all the circumstances that might oblige you to change your opinion.
For instance, some fifty years ago, a great English wit, Sydney Smith, said that it required a surgical operation to make a Scotchman understand a joke.
Well, an English joke, he probably meant.
However, the satire was neatly expressed. When the English get hold of a good joke, and see it, it lasts them a long time.
The Scotch are a hundred times more witty and humorous than the English; but John Bull still goes on affirming that "it requires a surgical operation to make a Scotchman understand a joke."
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If such misunderstanding can exist between the English and the Scotch, just imagine what feelings the natives of a land can inspire in foreigners.
Oh! that word foreigner!
In some ears it sounds like bastards. In some people's minds, it is the synonym of bad. The English greengrocer, for instance, divides his asparagus into large and small heads. The fine large ones he binds together and sells at high prices under the name of English asparagus. The bundles of threads at one shilling figure in his shop window as foreign.
In England, the adjective English is synonymous with excellent. In France, we have an adjective that signifies excellent, too, and that is the adjective French. Do but make an observation to a French shopkeeper upon the price of his goods, and he will promptly answer: "I keep a cheaper article, but it is naturally of greatly inferior quality. Would Monsieur like to see my English stock?" In French commerce, English is synonymous with worthless.
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Now, what is a foreigner?
No man was born a foreigner.
Once an American said to me, on board a steamer, sailing from Liverpool to New York: "You are a foreigner, I guess."
"Well," I replied, "not yet. I shall be, when I get to your country."
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What is a foreigner?
As a rule, a foreigner is a good fellow, brought up by worthy parents, and belonging to a country quite as good as yours.
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Nations may be well or badly governed. They may possess hot or cold climates, indifferent or beautiful scenery. The manners and customs of their inhabitants may be utterly different. But the most stupid statement that can possibly be made is that some nations are better or worse than others.
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We French people ought not to be a closed letter to the foreigner, for Heaven knows we make no attempt to hide our defects, and I might even add that if we did study to hide them, instead of boasting of them, we might cut quite as good and moral a figure as the most proper inhabitant of the British Isles or of the State of Maine.
We offer ourselves to criticism so unreservedly, owning our shortcomings with such frankness, such abandon, that it ill becomes our neighbors to find fault with us. Indeed, we are a nation that confesses with a gay candor that should disarm unkind criticism.
Yes, the foreigner ought to be able to read, as in an open book, that good, warm-hearted, France that he hardly looks at. For him, France is Paris; Paris that supplies him with pleasures for a fortnight, and that he despises when he is satiated. The real France, peaceful and laborious, he knows nothing about beyond what he has seen of it from the windows of a railroad car.
On arriving at home again, he writes to his friends:
"I have just returned from France. What a country it is! Ah! I have seen pretty sights, I can assure you! I will tell you all about it in private, when we meet. All I can say now is, that I thank God that I was born an Englishman."
Here is a good fellow who has undoubtedly visited the wrong places.
The Frenchman is no better. He comes to London for a week on business. (I say "on business," because nobody would think of coming to London on pleasure), and profits by his visit to go and see Madame Tussaud's Exhibition. Then he returns home, and exclaims, parodying Victor Hugo's celebrated lines: "How proud a man is to call himself a Frenchman when he has looked at England."
He has looked at England, it is true, but he has not seen it.
To look is an action of the body. To see is an action of the mind.
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When people travel in foreign lands, they often make two kinds of mistakes.
Firstly, they are liable to visit the wrong places, like the Englishman who returned home "thanking God he was born an Englishman."
Secondly, they draw conclusions too quickly.
Let us illustrate this.
When English people alight at a French hotel and find no soap on the washstand, do you believe they conclude from this that the French carry their own soap in their trunks when they travel? Not they. They conclude that the French do not wash, or that, if they do, their ablutions are performed by means of a corner of a handkerchief dipped in water.
Mark Twain, the prince of American humorists, exclaims upon entering the bedroom of a French hotel: "What, waiter, no soap! Don't you know that soap is indispensable to an Englishman or an American; and that only a Frenchman can do without it?"
It is true that you find soap on the washstands in English or American hotels; but the English and their American cousins may perhaps be astonished to hear that a true-born Frenchman would have as much repugnance to using hotel soap, as they would to using a toothbrush that they might find on a lodging-house washstand. Some people like second-hand soap; some do not. We will even make bold to inform them that a great many French ladies are so particular as to carry about a supply of bedroom towels with them when they travel.
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English Pharisees and French Crocodiles
Max O'Rell
Literature
Chapter 1 FOREIGNERS.
06/12/2017
Chapter 2 JOHN BULL UP TO DATE.
06/12/2017
Chapter 3 JACQUES BONHOMME, THE LANDED PEASANT-PROPRIETOR OF FRANCE.
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Chapter 4 JACQUELINE, THE FORTUNE OF FRANCE.
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Chapter 5 JOSEPH PRUDHOMME, THE JOG-TROT MIDDLE-CLASS FRENCHMAN.
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Chapter 6 ENTERTAINING NEIGHBORS.
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Chapter 7 FRENCH IMPULSIVENESS AND BRITISH SANGFROID ILLUSTRATED BY TWO REMINISCENCES.
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Chapter 8 ENGLISH PHARISEES AND FRENCH CROCODILES.
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Chapter 9 FRENCH AND ENGLISH SOCIAL FAILURES.
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Chapter 10 HIGH-LIFE ANGLO-FRENCH GIBBERISH AS USED IN FRANCE AND IN ENGLAND.
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Chapter 11 HUMOR, WIT, AND HIBERNIANISM.
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Chapter 12 THE MAL DE MER.
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Chapter 13 BRITISH PHILOSOPHY AND FRENCH SENSITIVENESS.
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Chapter 14 THE FRENCH SNOB.
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Chapter 15 A SUCCESS AS AN ANGLOPHOBIST. (THE LATE MARQUIS DE BOISSY.)
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Chapter 16 WOMAN WORSHIP.
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Chapter 17 FAITH AND REASON.
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Chapter 18 THE WORSHIP OF THE GOLDEN CALF.
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Chapter 19 WHY THE FRENCH WERE BEATEN IN 1870.
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Chapter 20 ENGLAND WORKS FOR HERSELF. THE WORLD OWES HER NOTHING.
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Chapter 21 THE SPIRIT OF DESTRUCTION AND THE SPIRIT OF CONSERVATISM.
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Chapter 22 ORDER AND LIBERTY.
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Chapter 23 THE HUMORS OF POLITICS.
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Chapter 24 LORDS AND SENATORS.
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Chapter 25 WHAT FRANCE HAS DONE TO MERIT THE RESPECT OF THE WORLD.
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