Dumphard

Dumphard's Book(1)

TWIST

Fantasy

5.0

I was told that it's not offensive to fart for people in the United Kingdom. That, one can unapologetically pass out a miasmic ear-splitting fart in the presence of their mother or father in law. Where I come from, in Mpororo Kingdom, farting in the presence of an elder is sacrilegious. One can grab the nearest object and hit you with it, just because you have released some carbon dioxide into the environment to their disadvantage. It is okay to silently hiss out a fart as long as you are in a group so that you are not identified or if it is not loud and/ malodorous or if one is unconscious–sleeping, meaning the ability to control fart escape from the walls of the 15cm rectum is a herculean task so it is excused. Long ago, youthful single men would lurk around homes of potential wives at night and eavesdrop if the ladies are loud flatulists. If a woman farted a hoot that shook the house like a tornado, that was the ideal potential woman to marry and attracted hundreds of cows in dowry. This was because it was symbolic of eating well and satisfyingly like campesino farmers, so, one would be sure that they are marrying a hardworking woman. So, one day, I was at Bath Road in Hounslow, standing, waiting for the traffic lights to release me but instead some caucasian lady released five farts, each following the other at an indescribable interval. I was shocked, discombombulated and angry, so the exasperation was conspicuous on my contorted face. Then an elderly lady standing with us, rubicund face and grey head smiled and said 'I hope you are relieved'. And the lady fatulist was like, 'Oh yeah'. The relief was registered all over her cute shameless face. Another time, at London City Airport, a clotheshorse quinquagenarian man ensconced in a spongy couch reading the Telegraph newspaper leaned on one buttock and passed out two explosives, each with a five seconds interval, and of course his neighbour said 'I hope you are relieved. In my mind I was like, why can't this bloke respect his British Tailored suit? You know when you are seated on something spongy, you cannot fart unless you first tilt a bit and lean on one side of the buttock, especially when you are fat or plump with elephantine/humongous bums. I was told by a fat farteur that when you have humongous bums, when you sit, the exhaust pipe is suppressed, so there is no way you can gas except to stand or do as described above. I entered the train at Clapham Junction and lacked where to sit due to overcrowding. I stood near other fellow black Africans, and the train shot towards St. Pancras. An African man, Nigerian Oga, who thought that his thunderous fortissimo fart would attract sympathy, was insulted instead. 'You disgusting pig, get out of here'. The caucasians shouted when the malodorousness of the fart from an African man pervaded the air which we breathed. I think the man had had Fufu and the West African overspiced sauce for dinner, and falsely thought that he had the same privilege of relieving himself of carbon dioxide anywhere like a white man. The unfortunate bloke was arbitrarily defenestrated out of the train at the next stop. Now that was the real African way of dealing with an undisciplined flatulist. What shocked me was the irrational prejudice against the black farteur in a comparable situation with a Caucasian. Back to my roots in Mpororo, when an elder farts and you catch him or her in flagrante delicto, you as the young one are supposed to own it so that the elder does not get ashamed. If you fail to do that, you are upbraided and or beaten for indiscipline. When you fart while at the mat or table during dinner, the punishment is what is called, in the contemporary grammar, corporal punishment.