Dying to Live

***

I didn't want to hate my Father. Even though he was breaking my heart, tearing it into pieces as I watched him. His anger was palpable, hanging heavy over the room. We were in his office, the foreboding place I dreaded to be called into on most days.

I had hoped things would be different. That this conversation would be less catatonic than how it had been. My fear was justified as I watched the man who had once been kind, the man who read me to sleep and had held me when I had nightmares- pace the room angrily, unable to look at me.

Things were different after Mom’s left.

"You want to tell me that you're giving up EVERYTHING I've worked so hard to give you for a pipe dream?! Don't be stupid, Isabel! You will take over the Law department at Griffin Entreprises and that is final!"

Father's voice boomed throughout the room, making me flinch as I tried and failed to hold his enraged glare. I could hear the crack forming, and feel it consume my entire body as despair threatened to fill my being. I was scared, so scared of going against him. Of refusing to listen to his every word.

I had respected him all my life, and done everything he wanted me to. I had been a good daughter, dedicating myself to my studies and my extracurricular activities. I excelled in school, in my piano recitals, and on the debate team. I had passed my bar exams, pushed down all my mental health struggles to the deepest depths of me, and graduated from Law School. All my achievements had been a way to make him proud, to show him that I was trying to make up for all my wrongs.

I had tried to do what he wanted, to learn from my peers at Griffin Entreprises as I prepared to take over as he wanted me to.

But one night changed everything. I found the world outside was totally different from the life I had been living.

I didn’t want to betray to myself this time.

I respected and loved my father ,but no for this time.

"I can't do that, Father. This is what I want, what I truly desire to do with my life. My music has already been received really well. My songs have already broken chart records. Jonah, my manager, is sure that I'm going to be one of the best. All I hope for is your support, Father. Please, let me do this. Let me be happy. I promise to make you proud."

He scoffed angrily at my words, holding my firm gaze with his glare. I steeled my resolve, holding back the fear that always came with defying him. I had made the conscious decision to do this and it was that resolve that gave me the confidence to stand firm as I held his gaze.

"If you think that this would make me proud of you, you are sorely mistaken. You are a disgrace to this family. You want to ruin your life? Fine! Have it your way but know this, you are no longer my daughter! I rescind all your privileges. Let's see how well you survive on that meager damn dream of yours! And do not expect anything from your brother either. If he helps you, then I assure you that I shall take everything from him too. Don't destroy his life as you have yours!"

"Now leave my sight! I never want to see you again! You are dead to me, child. Like your mother...Get out! You are no longer welcome here!"

"I'm sorry that you feel like I have disappointed you, Father, but I will not apologize for doing what I love and for being myself. Thank you for all you have done for me so far."

“Just get out of here, right now! You ungrateful, selfish wolf cub. You are exactly like your mother . I'm even counting on you to be different, to improve yourself, to take over the company, and become my pride? You let me down so much.”

He barely spared me a glance but I refused to break down before him any more than I already had. I had to be strong, to remind myself that he detested weakness. Even in my final moments with him, I wanted to appease him. And so, with a singular nod, I turned and left the room- even though my very soul was shattering.

The sight of my brother through blurry eyes as he hurried down the hallways of my childhood home stopped me in my tracks, my limbs weakening at the sight of him.

My older brother didn't hold back, pulling me into a long and tight hug that centered me and comforted me more than I thought I needed.