Too Late, I'm Done Crying

de's

ng until the sun fi

ner blew cold across my wet neck. The guard gave me a long look, the kind people give a woman crying in public, then politely lo

from my handbag, and held my thumb over o

ang

o, my

y throat tightened

you to

She had been waiting on this since morning, since I called her from the

"We're alrea

nd her I could hear a spo

did yo

he papers. I

d? Isolde, wh

is is not the time f

he baby. Think of the child. Think of what people will say. A

," sh

ady, like a blanket set

as seven, and she took my hand at the graveside and never really let go. She became my mother, my father, my best

e are

wn. At

warm the food. And take a

Gran

th the phone against my ches

Street and he pulled into traffic without a word. I was grateful for that. I checked my phone. No missed calls. Not one message. Some stupid part of me had still expected something, anything. I tu

ight his eyes found

day,

uld say

Whatever it is, it looks smaller in the morning. Thirty

you're

s. Traffic and heartbreak." He win

s ok

oad looked the way it always did, the gate paint peeling, Grandma's tomato plants l

urself," he said

ed the gate when th

, glasses sliding down her nose. She looked smaller than I remembered, or ma

he said, and o

led like soap and pepper and

by. Everything

randma,

cab. But the second her hand pressed the back of my head, something gave way. I didn't even notice whe

I've g

choked. "I was

nothing. C

ted cover. Same television with the cracked corner. Same photograph of my parents smiling on a beach I never got t

ndow open, a small pot of basil on th

d, when she saw me looking. "Don't ask me

eside me and took my hands between hers. Her

he said. "Not tonight. When

nk y

thing. Did he put

I wiped my face with my w

ike that was somehow

t my stomach, t

ut the baby, Grandma

She gave it to me before every big decision I ever m

old

s hoarse, but I meant every word. "H

nd squeezed my hand

word nearly b

omach, so light it barely

doctor said ever

nd her eyes went wet. "A small

a little grunt. "Wash your face. Change out of

not h

wo now. I didn't ask

aughed, a wet, cracked

h hope and dropped it on the floor. I pulled on an old T-shirt from the wardrob

oiled egg, a glass of water, and half a ripe

, this i

don't blame the cook if the stew is salty. I

nd refused my vegetables. I took one bite, then another. I hadn't realized how empty I was. Halfw

ed my forehead, switched off the main l

y. Tomorrow is

ght, Gr

r close

ed, a motorbike whined past, and then it was quiet. Too quiet. I put my hand on my stomach and waited to feel so

city, he was probab

I didn't have. The money I didn't have either. No

thout a word. The cracked television she never replaced, the leaking tap she kept promising

crying, and the same thought kept circling until it was all I could hear. I had come home with