Wretched Self

Why do life sucks?

Life is wretched. And I hate it so much. All I want is to have a simple and happy life. But to my jinx, what happened was the opposite.

I want to smile, laugh, show everyone my greatest beam, but I just can't. 

I'm suffering. Everytime, everywhere. I have no companion but only my family. How I wish they would not leave me.

I don't understand why people loathe me so much. I only know that I am what I am. I know to myself what myself is. I only know myself and not them.

"Leave this family! We don't need you! " My mother yelled straight at my face. I closed my eyes tightly and felt the pool of my tears that was starting to form around my eyes.

I wiped them away when they gave up. I sobbed to stop myself from crying again and again. My hands turned into fists harshly and I looked away to avoid my mother's raging eyes.

My father and siblings were just sitting beside us. Crying while looking at us. My older sister, Faye, covered Cine's ears so she could not hear my mother's rants.

"Go to your room!" mother told them to obey immediately. "You go outside and leave us!"

"M-Mom.." I gulped, trying to clear my throat.

"Don't call me that word! I don't have a daughter named Astra!" 

"I am your daughter! You are my mother! We are a family---"

"We aren't! Are you gonna leave or not?" She cut me off then pointed to the door. I shook my head and wiped my tears again.

"No.. I will not." I uttered it with conviction. I was trying to be strong. I will not get down in front of my mother. I gritted my teeth subtly as I saw my father heading to their room. 

Isn't he going to defend me? Dad, I am your daughter. How can you resist me? I.. I am your family.. and now you're the one.. who's going to leave and reject me.

"Mom! Please!" I pleaded when she pushed me towards the door. I held onto the wood beside to get her to stop pushing me. I wept and kneeled in front of her. "Please, I love you.. Mom.. I.. I l-love you.."

"No! Go away!" Pointing at the door again. She slapped my cheeks when I didn't follow her. I cried even more because of the pain caused by her. I held her shirt and pleaded again and again.

"I won't leave, I won't. I would not!" I howled multiple times. I will not leave this house. This is my home. I can't afford to leave them. They are my home.

Can't life be like this wretch? I had already suffered at my school and I expected them to comfort me.

This can't be. I will plead no matter what happens. I will not leave them!

"No! I'll stay!" I even cried in front of her. I looked down and held her toes, then pleaded. I shook my head multiple times while hurting.

"All you did was to shame us! You didn't do great things! We don't need you! Now, leave!"

"W-Why can't you s-see my efforts, M-Mom?" I slowly looked up at her. I only see madness on her face and that hurts me more. "I am doing my very best to make you proud of me!" 

"Don't yell at me!"

"D-Don't you.. appreciate.. my existence? D-Don't you..? I.. I am also human.. I.. I am a-also hurting.. but.. why a-are you showing me that.. I.. am not? T-treat my as your.. daughter, p-please?"

"Yes! No one would value your existence! Go away! Don't touch me!"

I held my cheeks and rubbed them gently. Her slap still hurts. I then gathered all my strength to stand up and face her. I know I looked too weak, yet I made my feelings and emotions strong and brave.

"I-Is this what you want, Mother?"

They may be cruel to me, but I can't do anything but cherish them. I can't hate and feel the lunacy of them either. I won't go with the flow. 

"Yes! So yes!"

"Okay, then." I uttered, "I will leave this family. I won't come back. I will not show myself to you anymore."

Leaving doesn't have the definition of a comeback, anyway. I would do what I was saying. I willkeep my promises and I promise to not show myself to them anymore.

"Now, get out. No one loves you!" She yelled before pushing me towards the door. I wasn't completely on the outside when she slammed the door shut. I let my tears out of their hideout and looked at our awful house for the last time.

"Good bye, my home..." I whispered to myself. Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I then wiped them all off and heaved a sigh.

No one loves you, Astra. 

My mother's remarks were like a broken record that was playing in my mind multiple times.

"You love yourself, Astra." I said to myself, giving comfort because of this fck situation of mine.

I walked from nowhere. It was like I was none of myself. Later on, I saw an available bench. It's also lonely. Hence, I went there and gave my baby bench a companion.

Heck. I am very close to craziness.

"I'll live on my own already.." I just realised how difficult it is to live by yourself. No other companion and no one is willing to help you.

How can I begin a new life when life for me is already over? I have already started to build my so-called life, but it has already ended. Just lately, actually.

"Can you even survive?" I asked myself while looking at nothingness. I can feel the sticky thing on my face and cheeks that was caused by my tears.

Be brave, Astrallaine Sage. You can survive this challenge. Just move. You must do something. Don't just stay still.

"No challenges would come if He knew you couldn't pass through it."

I was stunned when someone just spoke from behind me. I didn't have the urge to look at that person immediately because I was still shocked.

"If you want something to happen, then you can pass through it. Patience and sweat were needed."

Minutes later, I was able to look at his area. He was just leaning on a post while his hands were on the inside of the pocket of his coat. He was also wearing a cup, so I couldn't see his face clearly. Not to mention that it's already dark.