What is Living

It’s gotten to a point where I am not even waiting for a happy ending anymore, I am waiting for an end. I really can’t explain this because even I can’t understand. Is it possible to feel dead for years and still smile and laugh? Is it possible to stop being yourself for a long time and still not remember who you were? These voices are always saying to me that I would never be saved. There are voices in my head and only I hear them. They sound cruel and very real too because it’s like I can hear them as it they were persons.

 Many times I would sit at the edge of my bed with my head in my hands, wishing I could end my own existence. My mind is not void, it is replaced by another one that makes me feel absolutely worthless and numb to this thing called life. But regardless, I smile. Regardless, I am the comedian who is so good at cracking jokes and making my family and friends laugh till their eyes water. Regardless, I give the best advices  to people who are being attacked by the misery of grief. I honestly don’t feel like I am worthy of anyone’s love and I mean it because when my wealthy handsome father gives me all the money and tells me that I am loved, that he loves me dearly, I believe it not. My mind rejects it and not just from him but from everyone else around me. It’s like they just say it without really knowing what it means and just to put a smile on my face.  I am 21 and this feeling is what I would describe as never ending misery and perpetual sadness and never quite knowing the source of it. This feeling makes me have awful thoughts and there are times that it won and it made me scar myself in ugly ways.

I don’t know if it’s possible to say there is exhaustion for me by just existing and a what made it worse was the remarks of people regarding it.

“How can you be depressed with all the wealth your dad has”

“You are too pretty to be depressed”

“She just wants attention”

“She’s faking it”