The Man He Used To be

Madison Grace:

Stay numb and carry on...

too young to hate someone...

I opened my journal as I stopped singing. The more I look into my journal, the more I want to cry. All I could tell to myself is, 'Madison Grace, suck it up. You are not a child. Xander is in your past. You don't have to recall the past.'

The past sucks. I don't wanna think about it. But I assure you, that I will tell you about it soon. Right now, you guys need to know about me. About my stupid, useless life. I'm 22 years old who was working in a company with more salary. But now, I'm jobless. My parents can't help me financially. I need to help them financially. That's why I came abroad to study and found a good job. But the company got closed. Now, I and my friend are jobless. Did I tell you about her? She's Sofia Maria. She's my best friend in my awful school days. She helped me with a lot of things ( including the problems I have faced with I fell in love with Xander). I and Sofia live in an apartment with a single room. Just a single big hall which contains a kitchen, bedroom. We are so pathetic. I never have any good memories to recall. Not even Xander.

Loving him is the biggest mistake. I don't blame him for hating me. It's the incident and persons who caused that situation. But it hurts that the boy I used to love, hates me. It's okay if he doesn't love me. But the hatred kills me. He's the smartest boy in the whole class. I met him in my ninth grade. At that time, I have been so eager to know about him. In a year, I was madly in love with him. It's defiently not because he's from a millionaire family.

I don't care how much money he got. All I care about is him. His character...the way he talks...the way he smiles...how he used to help everyone expect me ( there's a whole lot of reasons for it which is supposed to be hidden now). I got hypnotised by his hazel hair, ocean eyes, his perfect jawline.

I couldn't really know more about him. I never get to be his friend. But something in my heart is not letting him go even after all these years. I still believe I get to be with him. That he's my soulmate. Talking about soulmate seems stupid to some people. I have been the one who believed it all my life. In simple words, I still believe. I still believe that we are destined to be together no matter how impossible it seems.

" Close that stupid journal. All you wrote is about Xander. Xander. Xander. Is he worth it, Madison?" Sofia scolded me out of care for me.

" I'm sorry. I caught up in some bad memories. But I won't throw this. I know you are going to say that." I told her clutching my dairy tightly in case she made a move to tear the papers or throw the whole damn dairy.

" I know you won't do that. Why wasting my time? Just forgot it, Madison. It's been four years. Since you transferred to another school and worked in a company for two years. I don't know why you still can't forget him. He's out of your life."

The moment she said the last word, I frowned. Yeah, she's right. Iam wasting my time with an idiotic belief. I'm never gonna meet him again. Even if I did, he still hates me.

" Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You are beautiful, Madison. You have a good heart. You deserve someone like you. You don't need to go behind someone who doesn't love you. I'm not being harsh. I just want to say that you deserve the best. " Sofia apologized.