Scars Between Us

A predominantly white room, the silence so thick that the sound of clockwork can be heard dominating the room, Jessica Alviera-a psychiatrist is sitting opposite Patricia Xavier Saliem-the woman who has been her patient for the past two months.

Patricia's gaze looks uncertainly toward the table that separates the two.

Jessica, on the other hand, was looking seriously at Patricia. Fifteen minutes into the consultation session, Patricia remained silent. There was doubt written all over her face. Even though this was the second time visiting, the young woman was still reluctant to speak.

"Patricia Xavier Saliem..." The woman in the white coat called softly, making Patricia look away. "Tell me. What are you feeling?"

Patricia still didn't move. She took a deep breath, let it out. Her heart was beating faster at that moment. Images of bad memories swirled in her head, making her unable to think clearly.

There were so many things that wanted to be said as if they were fighting for a place to be heard. But in the end, Patricia could not catch anything. An agitated feeling was written in the woman's jet eyes so that it could be read in the eyes of the woman in the white coat.

"I'm... scared...," Patricia whimpered. Her chest was tight with images flashing through her head like a broken record. She could not look at Jessica in front of her.

Both eyes were still fixed on the toe of her shoe tapping on the floor, trying to shake off the irritation. "Everything... the bad events are spinning in my head. Everything... looks bad. I'm worried...."

Jessica was still waiting for Patricia's next words. She caught on like there were still many things the woman in front of her wanted to say now. But Jessica did not force her to speak.

"Tell me what you're feeling, Patricia. I will try to understand your feelings," Jessica replied, trying to calm her down.

Patricia looked at Jessica, still hesitant. Even though this was the second consultation session, she still could not say what she felt.

Patricia's chest was tight with mixed feelings after losing her mother.

Until finally Jessica reached out one of her hands to one of Patricia's hands, giving a fairly gentle stroking. More and more trying to soothe.

"I'm listening, Patricia. I want to help you. But how can I help you if you don't say anything?" Jessica spoke in a low tone, looking at Patricia gently.

As if there was a twinkle of warmth in Jessica's eyes, Patricia was momentarily stunned. "You can think of me as your other self. Try talking to my version of yourself."

Patricia removed her hand from Jessica's. She placed both hands in her lap, playing with her fingernails.

This was not as easy as she had imagined.

Patricia thinks of her mother, who suddenly died two days ago. It was a very unexpected event. In addition, Patricia remembered the man at the scene where her mother died.

After a few seconds of her dreamy look, Patricia looked at Jessica who gave her a faint smile. The more Patricia tried to explain her fear of seeing a male figure at the time of her mother's death, the more she couldn't say anything.

"You shouldn't have done that," Patricia said, looking straight at Jessica. There was a flick in her head that started the memory game.

From a feeling of indignation, she felt a tightness entering the cracks in her chest.

"Was I the cause of my mother's death?" asked Patricia.

"You blame yourself?" asked Jessica.

"It is indeed my fault, because after all... I should have saved my mother," Patricia replied, her voice shaking slightly.

"It's not your fault, Patricia. You didn't kill your mother," Jessica replied.

"But I didn't save her," Patricia argued more forcefully.

Jessica let out a long sigh as she backed away from her seat. She realized Patricia was in an unstable condition.

No matter how Jessica tried to tell Patricia, she could not calm her down enough.

"It's your fault," Jessica said, emphasizing her words a little. "Do you know what's wrong with you?"

Patricia did not answer Jessica's words. Her eyes radiated lethargy.

Jessica then answered, "Those shadows... your mistake was to keep remembering everything. Moreover, you blame yourself for your mother's death."

"I should have saved her. Otherwise, she would have survived," Patricia replied.

"What happened at the time of your mother's death? Did you witness anything disturbing?" Jessica asked, sensing something was amiss.

"I saw a man at the scene of my mom's accident. He was... just standing among the crowd, and watching... with a cold stare," Patricia said.

"And the image of that man still comes to you?" Jessica asked.

Patricia nodded in response.

There was a brief pause for Jessica to take a breath and sigh softly. "You know every human makes mistakes, and so do I," Jessica said then. "But you don't have to blame yourself. Because if you do, you'll only be tormented."

"But my mistake was fatal! My mother died that day, and I couldn't chase after a man who seemed suspicious to me!" Patricia's tone rose. The tightness had already filled the cavity.

Patricia tried to keep the tears from falling. Her expression turned uncomfortable.

"I should have gone after that man... who is that man exactly?"

"Your mother's accident was out of control, Patricia," Jessica replied.

"No, my mother's accident and death have already happened," Patricia replied.

"They attacked you? That nightmare came too?"

Instead of answering Jessica's question, Patricia looked down. In that moment, everything could no longer be avoided or held back. Her hands in her lap unconsciously interlocked, clenching hard as the worry became clearer.

Patricia shook her head, not in response to Jessica's question, but as an automatic reaction to get rid of the bad memory that had caused the upset feeling

"It's all my fault..." The words came out of Patricia's mouth after a few moments of clenching. Within seconds, something she had been holding in her eyes finally slid down her cheeks. "It's all my fault...."

Jessica looked at Patricia without another word. She let the young woman in front of her release what she had been holding in. Silence fell on both of them.

The sound of the clock's seconds reigned throughout the room. Patricia's head fell back as her shoulders began to shake. Jessica chose not to ask any questions. She shifted from her seated position to retrieve something from her bag near the table.

Jessica took something out before moving to her original position. She held out a packet of chocolates to Patricia who was still looking down at the toe of her shoe.

"Everyone's angry, but that doesn't mean it's your fault," Jessica said, quietly and carefully. She was still trying to calm Patricia down. "I heard chocolate can help you feel better. Don't hold it in, let out your anxious feelings."

Patricia looked at the packet of chocolates, then at Jessica who gave her a curved smile. Just then, Patricia felt her tightness getting looser. She looked straight at Jessica.

The drops from her eyes fell harder and harder. Never before had Patricia received such a warm look. Jessica said nothing, nor did she give her a strange look.

"I want to find the person who killed my mother."