Breaking Allastair

Penelope Hampson —more commonly known to her friends as Penny —fitted the key into the door of her little flat and stepped across the threshold into the miniature hall. The door slammed behind her in the sudden draught startling her out of a day dream. She walked into the sitting room and viewed the unlit fire, shivering. The closed door and the chill of the room seemed to drain all the warmth from her body —and suddenly that other, special, golden warmth —from her heart.

Hurriedly she took off her coat, knelt down and put a match to the newspaper. She watched the flames gathering as the kindling caught, then the coal. She spread out her hands to the little blaze and tried to recapture the feeling of happiness —the glow she had felt when she was with Jeremy Gilbert during lunch. But it had gone. Her large brown eyes clouded. She sank into an armchair, feeling a sudden pang of acute loneliness.

Her first thought just now had been — we can't get all the coal we want these days. I must be more careful....

Then all those thoughts save those connected with Jeremy vanished.

It was always like this when she was not actually with him. As soon as she was alone, doubts, worries, panic crowded into her mind destroying all the force of his persuasions, his reasoning, her own longing to comply with his wishes.

She closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the chair.

"Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy!" she whispered. "if only I loved you less"

"If you really loved me as much as you say you do, you wouldn't hesitate!" Jeremy had said

Was he right? Was she being unnecessarily old fashioned? Prudish? Many of her friends nowadays had had or were having affairs; nor could she excuse her reluctance to do as Jeremy wished because she had relations, friends who might be affected by her actions. No, there was nothing to stop her but her own feelings in the matter....she had doubts.

Restlessly, Penny rose from her chair and wandered into her bedroom. It was a pretty room — furnished simply but with taste and originality. Her home was the pride of Penny's life and usually a quick glance around it would give her a steady glow of satisfaction. But not today. Ever since she realized that she was in love with Jeremy she knew that there was something missing from her home. His coat, his cap, and most of all himself.

"I was lucky to find this place" she told herself, studying the soft peach colored walls and matching bedcover and curtains.

But she couldn't destroy the steadily increasing desolation that was gathering her into a cloud of depression. Nothing could destroy it. No one could remove it but Jeremy. And Jeremy could not... Or would not ask her to marry him.

Could not, or would not. Perhaps a little of each. For one thing, Jeremy was being released from the Air force in a few months time and had no civilian job to go to. His father had offered him a job in his company, but Jeremy didn't want that. He could not afford to get married... And yet, did he want to marry her?