Alpha Ryker

“I am dying”

I said out loud to no one in particular. Speaking into the void, hoping the breeze takes my words to the heavens - to my father.

“I am dying,” I chuckle.

I raise my face to the sky, closing my eyes and stretching my hands open, feeling the cold air on my skin, kissing my cheeks and tickling the tips of my fingers.

I hope God hears this.

 I hope he laughs when he sees me standing on the rooftop of this 17-story hospital building. I stand close to the edge without holding the railing and to be honest I do not care if I fall. I am dying anyways, why should I be afraid of the monster who will eventually take me?

I always hated the phrase ‘God gives the hardest battle to his strongest soldier’. Whoever said this has obviously never met me. If they did they would change their words to ‘his most hated soldier’ because that must be what I am to God.  

There is no other explanation as to why I lost my father, couldn't find my mother, was abused by my stepmother, sold to an abuser for less than a penny and ended up getting cancer all before reaching twenty one.

God must have created me as a lesson to others, showing them how powerful he is and how he can mess up a life for no reason.

I laughed at this thought, so hard that tears starts to free fall my eyes

“I have never asked you for anything” I yelled into the void “I have never sought your help or protection for anything and yet this is what you do to me! You think you have won don’t you? You think that you can take me out when my life is only just beginning?”

I crossed the railings, my hands gripping the cold iron even though I had urges to let go. The cold gust of wind hits my skin as I stare at the people and cars below.

“I have no gold nor silver. My dignity was stolen from me, my body was abused and yet you want to take the one thing I have - my life”

A voice  whispered in my ears telling me to let go. I should take myself out.  I shouldn’t let God or Sir Valerie Russo decide how I die.

I’ve never really had control over my life but I should at least have control of how I die but why couldn’t I let go of the railings?

If I jumped now,  if I let go of everything I would die and the suffering would end - no more Valerie Russo, no more Madam Faye, but why was I scared?

My eyes wandered around the rooftop one last time in hopes of seeing the wolf only I could see but he was nowhere to be found. Seeing it was a sign of madness and hallucinations that I suffered. I still wanted the wolf to be here.

I wanted someone or something - to witness my last moments but even now I was alone. Just like I have always been.

Cold and alone

I closed my eyes tight, biting my quivering lips as I felt the cold wind on my face and exposed skin.

Jump

Just JUMP

JUST-

Tears start to fall from my closed eyes when I realize I didn’t have the heart to end my own life. Just like Madame Faye had said - I was indeed a coward

 I still want to live.

I guess despite being terminal ill with less than 6 months left - I still want to live

I slowly turned around, giving up on the idea of ending things. Devastated and defeated, I tried to cross over the railings back to the rooftop when I realized someone was standing right in front of me, a mask covering their face, leaving only their piercing blue eyes visible.