A Killer’s Diary

Dearest reader... you have been warned!

But like all nosy earthly sapiens, a throbbing desire for untold answers clings unto your chest.

To which graphic illustrations I assure, your mind is unable to contend.

But hey! You poked your little inquisitive nose in it.

For what it's worth you get to journey through my life's long contempt, twisted disdain and the most dreaded part...

The pitiful act of emotions

(Shudder) Mine.

So, grab a soft cushion, maybe a little snack. As we unravel the truths of what might as well become our ending misery...

But keep one thing in mind.

"I set the rules! I decide what 'we conclude' as the truth."

Cause this is gonna be a long ride.

I've never been one to subject myself to the futile movement of this world

My daring charisma telling one speech from every glance.

"I'm on top. Always have been. And always will..."

_Your most wanted knight.

A lot of times I thought about what to pen down. What pieces to put together. Maybe leave behind a few truths, compose a twisted story of make believes but here we are. In my endless circle of harsh realities.

I hope this is as normal as I can be.

You’d think having such an exquisite lifestyle would be enough. It isn’t. While watching my life unfold. Taking an uncanny turn. Life’s rose petals turning a dark Dalia.

Alright enough with the sob story!

(Whispers) Let’s get real…

******

The walk to the airport takes a mile longer than I expect. My neck aching from the long minute queue until I get to the front row. It takes a while to settle in after I board my flight. I take my sit beside a stern looking woman. Tightlipped. Reading through her book like it holds the key to her survival. It takes a whole lot more to get me flipped over so I don’t seem to care. Rather pleased to get a rare view from the window.

At least I appreciate her silence.

Inspite of it all, leftover pieces of shattered memories try its best to elude my heart. Wiping the smug smile away from my face while I stare out the transparent glass.

Memories from a few years aback sends a soft chill over my body. My clenched fist hiding my unstable harsh breaths. Brewing disdain mixed with a dash of anxiety spurns within. It had been a while since panic attacks came knocking at my door. It doesn’t seem much like a surprise as the past week had been a roller-coaster of emotions. Dreading the day which had come. One which I loathed.

No one could truly explain the thin line between grief and self-loathing better than me; I felt it all. At some point. Unable to open up about my struggles till there was nothing left; A never-ending numbness. There wasn’t anyone. Except of course old acquaintances pretending to understand the very root of my frustrations.

“I don’t need vague explanations to my current diagnosis. What I need is someone who’s broken the root of their core. Someone who can grasp the faintest understanding of how I feel. Who gets me!”

Tell that to my fired therapist.

I suppose it’s all kisses and bobos for prince charming and fairytale princesses. How ironic if my childhood had turned out that way. I could remember the first rose I picked out at our little garden. Mother’s warm embrace shielding me from the harsh realities of this world. I’d watch her smile brushing her hands against my hair while she speaks ever so warmly. “You’re my little flower...”

All good things come to an end … eventually.

Whatever sparkle of love got drained out the moment she fell apart. A complete stranger staring me in the face as tears trickled down my cheeks.