What? Is that all I am to you now? A weapon to use to get back to the father that you hate and despise passionately?" The sadness and her teary eyes and shaking hands crippled me, and all I could do was part my lips and shut them up again.There was so much to say, so much to reveal but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just couldn't due to the fear that whatever I say might break her more. It was what I seemed to do to everyone I loved.I shut my heart off. Willing to suppress the emotions I had I don't deserve her."You promised me," Ama's voice cracked and a lump formed in my throat."Did you even have plans of marrying me? Or you were only using me to fulfil your goal get back to my father?"Yes, I was only using you. Maybe if I said so she would leave and I wouldn't have to worry about her getting hurt staying by my side.The truth is, I feared for her. She had no idea how dangerous staying by my side would be and I had no intentions of telling her."I'm doing this for you," I finally said when I found my voice against the twisting in my stomach and the surging pain that nearly ripped me apart.
Chapter 1 Silent departure
"Im really trying mom relax I gotta take my coloring book I cant go without it can I please get to say goodbye to my friends, I wont take long I promise. Please mom they have been really good friends to me well the only friends I have ever had here. the only kids who are willing to let me into their group even though I am a little weird please mom. Can I get to say goodbye to them," I pleaded with my mother.
"No Aloma, you have friends?, we need to go now." She says in a final tone disappointed in me.
I just sigh what else am I supposed to do at this point. I know I am not supposed to have friends but I thought that knowing her knowing they were my only friends here the only ones I have had in a while would get her to let me see them. Even if just for a few minutes to say goodbye to them they did not live that far from our house just a few blocks at the corner down the road but it didn't really matter to her. Does what I feel ever really matter to her ?? Well I guess not.
"Okay mom lets go". I say in a defeated tone sighing.
I really don't have a choice I will have to ghost my friends and they will maybe hate me for this but this is my life the cruel space and world that is my life. I don't get a say in it and I can't change it. I don't get a choice.
I just drag my battered and torn suitcase through the dark and empty living room with cracks on the wall and the paint coming off due to the many years without renovation. Well I guess we have something in common dark and empty and torn at least that's how I felt.
I have a lot weighing down on me and a lot of anger towards my mom. I was really trying to keep my anger in check but it was proving difficult.
We keep moving from one place to another every now and then I am just tired why couldn't we just stay here and why do we keep on moving?
Guess I will just have to hold out a little longer for the reason to reveal itself because I was sure as hell my mom wouldn't tell me anything.
I did try asking her one time and I was just taught to keep my questions to myself in the future.The cruel disgusting scar from the top left of my shoulder to the right just above my hip bone was a reminder. One that was impossible to miss.
I like it here it's the only place that I have ever felt welcome since we started moving. It feels like home because I have friends here who love me unconditionally. What if I didn't go with my mom? I know its not an option but a girl is gotta have some hope . If only.
"Jesus Ama will you get a grip on yourself and stop day dreaming already? Walk come on we don't have the hole day for fucks sake.
"Sorry mom I just loved it here". I say dropping my voice a notch and looking down at my feet to hide the lonely tear streaming down my cheek and to stop others from falling.
I swear I don't cry this much in fact I rarely express my emotions. It was a weakness according to my mom and she taught me the hard way not to express my feelings to anyone always be numb to emotion. I quickly walk past her and throw my suitcase into the boot of the beat down car.
The car was ancient, a rusting metal that had long seen better days. The once glossy paint was now in patched places peeling off. With large spots of bare metal eaten away by rust. The rear view mirror dangled from the ceiling, the side mirrors unmatched the rusted original barely holding on to the frame and the other was a cheap plastic replacement bolted at an awkward angle. The doors creaked loudly whenever you opened them. The hinges groaning due to the number of years in use. Some of the windows refused to roll down and one was permanently stuck half way. It was a miracle that this old thing could move at all.
I just watch from the side of my eye as mother enters the car and looks at me with no emotion on her face at all but something like remorse and pity passed through her eyes so quickly that I doubt I have seen anything.
She scoffs at me on noticing my tear stained cheek and turns to drive the car.And just like that am disappointed with myself and disgusted with myself for showing any emotion at all. I had just let my mom down. I sigh, preparing my body for the punishment I will have to go through.
As I look out the window I just wish I would be a normal child even if just for a day.
Chapter 1 Silent departure
06/04/2025