Longing and Loss

I pursued Marvin for eighteen years, and he had always disliked me for eighteen years.

What he said to me most often was, "Don't touch me. You make me feel disgusted."

Yet, at the very last moment of my life, he held me tightly and cried his heart out, "I'm sorry. I've always been wrong."

1

Marvin's new drama just premiered.

I watched the promotional clip on TV.

The female lead was none other than the popular starlet, Lillian Tillery.

Lillian had helped Marvin before. It was thanks to her connections that Marvin became an actor.

They smiled at each other, holding hands and interacting intimately. The audience were excited at such a scene, filling the screen with comments, shipping them from the drama to real life.

"This is so sweet!"

"Oh my gosh, I'm going crazy!"

"They should just get married already. It's unreasonable if they don't get married."

"I'm hooked!"

...

Yet, none of them knew that Marvin was already married.

I was his wife, and today was our first wedding anniversary.

But Lillian knew about it. The three of us were once friends.

She has challenged me more than once, saying Marvin didn't love me and had always loved her.

2

I had long known that Marvin didn't love me.

I had been married to Marvin for a year, and he had never touched me. Speaking precisely, we didn't even hold hands with each other.

When he said he wanted to marry me, I was so excited that I spent a week of sleepless nights.

I thought he had finally fallen for me, but it turned out he was pressured into it by my parents.

I overheard my parents talking. My father had gone bankrupt and was deep in debt, so he forced Marvin to marry me.

Even my mother, who always disliked Marvin, didn't object to this decision.

Marvin grew up with me by living off my family.

To repay my father's kindness, he forced himself to agree to it.

I originally thought love could come after marriage, but in the end, I realized that Marvin would never fall in love with me.

I called him more than ten times and sent him over a dozen messages to remind him that today was our wedding anniversary and ask him to come home early.

But he didn't call me back or reply to my messages.

I started preparations early in the morning, but by two in the morning, he still hadn't returned home.

I took down the decorations embodying my foolishness and ate an eight-inch cake alone.

As I ate, tears streamed down my face. Today's cake tasted bitter and sour, not sweet at all.

3

The next day, Marvin returned after a three-month absence and even made breakfast.

He smiled slightly at me, "Good morning."

"Morning." I replied perfunctorily.

I was still upset about yesterday.

Marvin noticed my bad mood and carefully handed me a sandwich.

I looked at the thin, long scar on his arm, feeling a pang of heartache.

Back then, I had enrolled in the same university as Marvin to stay close to him.

It was then that I learned Lillian was Marvin's classmate and had always liked him.

Lillian knew about me but didn't put a distance between us. Instead, she actively made friends with me, claiming she wanted a fair competition.

Since I was always around Marvin, his friends knew me too.

They would invite me to join in their activities.

Once, they organized a camping trip, and Lillian was also in it.

She took me to gather firewood. Knowing I had poor sense of direction, she assured me she'd stay by my side all the time, but we ended up separated.

I got lost in the forest, with no signal on my phone.

As dusk fell, I couldn't see the path and tripped, sliding down the mountain road.

I screamed in fear until I lost consciousness.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital.

It was Shawn Lane, Marvin's friend, who found me.

That day, Lillian also got lost, and Marvin went to find her.

The scar on his arm was from a gash by a branch while he was searching for Lillian.

I should have realized then that there was something going on between them, and that I had always been deceiving myself.

I looked into his eyes, "What's the point?"

His eyes flickered with unease, and he paused, setting down the sandwich.

"Sorry, I was busy yesterday..."

I interrupted him, annoyed. "Yes, so busy you forgot our wedding anniversary."

Marvin hurriedly pulled a necklace from his suit pocket. "I prepared a gift for you."

That necklace was all too familiar. It was identical to the one Lillian wore yesterday.

It seemed they were already together, and it was truly disgusting. I gritted my teeth and squeezed out a few words, "It makes me feel disgusted."

I returned the words he often said to me.

As I turned around, I heard the sound of the necklace falling.

4

When I was six, my father brought home Marvin, who was two years older than me.

His situation was quite special. He was the child of my father's first love, entrusted to my father before she passed away.

My mother felt weirded out seeing Marvin and frequently argued with my father because of him.

My mother disliked Marvin and often called him a bastard. When my father wasn't home, she would hit him and even feed him leftovers.

Marvin never resisted and remained silent.

But I liked Marvin from the moment I saw him. He was very handsome.

I always tagged along with him and asked him to play with me.

He didn't like me touching him and always said, "Don't touch me! You make me feel disgusted!"

So, I changed my clothes every day, washed my hands multiple times, and stopped playing in the dirt, yet he still disliked me.

Later, I learned from my grandmother that my father and Marvin's mother were childhood sweethearts and once had a happy marriage.

However, life had its twists and turns. Once, my dad got drunk at a company dinner, and it was my mom who messaged Megan Watson, Marvin's mother, to come pick him up.

On her way to find my dad, Megan was harassed by a hoodlum.

It was then that I realized how deeply insulting the word bastard my mom used to curse Marvin was to him.

The knowledge of his background, combined with my mom's attitude towards him, made me feel even more sympathy for him and wanted to treat him better.

I would shield Marvin from the things my mom threw at him, and stop her hand when she tried to slap him.

If anyone said something unpleasant about Marvin, I'd rush in to fight them.

Marvin never thanked me. He always said I was being officious.

5

"Melany, why have you been so down all morning?" A colleague nudged me, pulling me back from my memories.

"Are you still Marvin's diehard fan? I've been telling you so much, and you remained so impassive!"

I forced a cold smile. I used to be the one enthusiastically promoting Marvin's new shows to them, telling them how much I adored him.

They used to tease me, saying I was almost his "superfan."

"Turns out they knew each other all along. They're destined to be together!"

"They really are a perfect match! Melany, look!"

"Melany, say something..."

Each word from my colleagues pierced my heart.

What should I say? Should I tell them that Marvin was already married? Or that Marvin and I were a couple?

Seeing my lack of response, a colleague shoved her phone in my face.

The gossipers were truly powerful. They had even found out photos from their university days.

That photo was taken during one of our gatherings.

They didn't know there was another girl behind Marvin, and that half-seen head was mine.

I jokingly asked them, "Who do you think is prettier, me or Lillian?"

My colleagues glanced at me and burst into laughter.

"Melany, are you crazy? How can you compare yourself to Lillian? She's a star, and you're just a nobody."

"I was just joking. It's so funny that I'm laughing to tears."

I found an excuse to go to the restroom, where I cried uncontrollably.

6

Marvin sent me two messages. "Melany, I made your favorite dishes."

He added. "Once I finish off my work, let's go on a trip. You've always wanted to travel, right?"

The old me would have replied to him instantly, jumping with excitement.

This time, I didn't respond and turned off my phone.

After work, Marvin appeared near my office, disguised to avoid recognition.

Of course, he was a big star now. If people found out he had a wife who was not in the entertainment industry, he'd lose fans.

"Why did you turn off your phone?"

I still didn't reply, leaving him behind.

He followed closely behind me, a scene all too familiar.

I had been following him for eighteen years, and he had never once looked back.

At home, I placed the prepared divorce papers in front of him. "Let's divorce. I'm setting you free."

Marvin's eyes instantly reddened, his lips trembling. "Are you still mad at me? I've been really busy lately. The filming schedule was quite tight. Just give me some more time, and Mr. Schultz's debt will be almost paid off..."

I laughed. "We've been married for over a year, and you still call my father Mr. Schultz."

Marvin was momentarily speechless.

"You don't owe our family anything. And my family shouldn't emotionally blackmail you. I said I'd set you free."

"Can't you give me one more chance?" Marvin asked, his voice shaking.

"It's been eighteen years. You've used up all your chances."

Marvin nodded numbly, tears falling onto the paper as he shakily signed his name.

7

I watched Marvin's retreating figure.

My heart ached so much, and tears kept falling uncontrollably.

After all, he was someone I loved deeply for eighteen years. How could I move on within such a short time?

I was still so helpless, searching for traces of him in our marital home.

However, not a single item of his was left behind. It was as if he had never been here.

8

Soon, it was Christmas, and I returned to my hometown.

My mom prepared a lavish family feast.

My dad curiously asked, "It's Christmas, and why didn't Marvin come back with you?"

My mom's expression visibly soured at the mention of Marvin's name.

I stared at the Christmas tree for a while before slowly speaking, "We divorced."

"What?"

To my surprise, my mom's reaction was even more intense than my dad's.

"If it weren't for our family taking him in, he wouldn't be where he is today. Just because he's a big star now doesn't mean he can be so ungrateful! How dare he divorce you?! What an ungrateful bastard..."

"Enough! I was the one who asked for the divorce. Didn't you always dislike him? Isn't the divorce exactly what you wanted?"

I angrily stopped my mom's curses.

My mom, furious, grabbed a gingersnap and threw it at me. "It was you who were obsessed with him back then! Now that he's a big star, you actually asked for a divorce? I've never seen someone as foolish as you. Now that you've divorced him, who will pay off your dad's debts?"

"I'm your daughter. Naturally, I'll pay them off. It's not Marvin's obligation. Stop emotionally blackmailing him. Besides, you know well how you've treated him all these years, don't you?"

My mom immediately reached out to hit me, but my dad stopped her.

I locked myself in my room.

I opened Twitter, and the top trending post was from Lillian.