I've liked this older man for nine years, enduring the torment of societal judgment day and night. Last week, I confessed my feelings to him, but he rejected me. This week, he brought a girlfriend to my house for a gathering. I took the opportunity to corner him when he went to the restroom and confronted him, "Did you get a girlfriend just to make me give up?" He calmly replied, "Because of emptiness." 1 I had a crush on Liang Yuan since my first year of university. At that time, he was thirty-five, living a solitary life, free to come and go, carrying a DSLR, traveling far and wide, capturing one sought-after piece after another. I was also learning photography and had heard some legends about him, developing admiration for him and wanting to be his apprentice. However, I didn't dare to say it outright, fearing he might think I was trying to bind him with favors. So, I resorted to the stupidest method-I took my camera to find him whenever I had free time. He didn't care much for me; most of the time, it was just me talking to myself and entertaining myself. After three months of this, I don't know which compliment finally struck a chord, but he agreed to talk to me about photography. However, that day, he seemed to be in a bad mood, with his eyelids drooping and an indifferent expression. The cold white light overhead shone down on his deeply contoured face, and he exuded a charm that only comes from being shaped by the passage of time, as if he was a vessel filled with untold stories from his past.
Chapter 1
[1]
For nine years, I've harbored feelings for a man almost twice my age, all while enduring the harsh judgment of those around me.
[2]
Last week, I finally mustered the courage to confess to him, and he turned me down. Now, just a week later, he's brought a new girlfriend to a family dinner at my place.
[3]
I cornered him as he left for the bathroom and asked,
[4]
"Did you get a girlfriend just to get me to give up on you?"
[5]
He answered calmly,
[6]
"No. I was just lonely."
[7]
1
[8]
My infatuation with Kieran Harris began when I was a freshman.
[9]
Back then, he was thirty-five, single and free-spirited, wandering wherever he pleased with his camera slung over his shoulder. He'd traveled far and wide, capturing photos that became iconic in photography circles.
[10]
Since I also studied photography, I'd heard the stories of his adventures and admired him from a distance. I even thought about asking him to mentor me, but I held back. I didn't want him to think I was trying to use any connection or impose myself on him.
[11]
Instead, I took the most straightforward route I could think of – whenever I had time, I'd grab my camera and track him down.
[12]
Kieran wasn't exactly chatty. Most of our early encounters consisted of me talking to fill the silence.
[13]
But, after a few months, something clicked – maybe I finally complimented him in just the right way – and he agreed to discuss photography with me.
[14]
That day, though, he seemed particularly quiet, his gaze low and his demeanor distant.
[15]
The cold white light from above highlighted the chiseled lines of his face, casting him in a melancholic glow, as though each of those lines held secrets from years past.
[16]
I couldn't help but be drawn to him, to fall deeper than I ever intended.
[17]
After that, I threw myself into photography with real passion, hoping to walk the same roads he had, see the same views, and perhaps understand the world through his lens.
[18]
I had little talent, but I was relentless.
[19]
He never praised me, nor did he acknowledge me as a student of his, but he did start talking to me more, especially about our shared interests.
[20]
Every word meant a lot to me.
[21]
But before long, he left photography abruptly to pursue a business career. No one knew why.
[22]
"It's a shame,"
[23]
my dad had said when he heard the news.
[24]
They'd known each other a long time, and Dad rambled on about it for ages.
[25]
Kieran only glanced my way and, with his usual calm, said,
[26]
"Madalyn has real potential. She'll go further than I ever did on this path."
[27]
His words left me breathless, my heart pounding, and the smile tugging at my lips was impossible to hide.
[28]
Back then, I actually thought I might have a chance.
[29]
2
[30]
"Why not me?"
[31]
I asked, my voice breaking slightly. "I could also..."
[32]
It was hard to keep my emotions in check.
[33]
After all, for years, it's been me who's always been by his side.
[34]
I cared about him the most.
[35]
So why, when I'd waited so long for him, had he chosen to give his heart to someone else?
[36]
Before I could finish, my dad came around the corner, his expression thunderous.
[37]
"Kieran, you should go.
[38]
This is family business; no outsiders needed here."
[39]
I looked at Kieran, searching for some flicker of support – not out of fear,
[40]
but because I wanted him to say something.
[41]
Whether it was to scold me or defend me, I just wanted him to acknowledge what I was feeling, to show that I wasn't in this alone.
[42]
But he didn't even look back. He left with his new girlfriend without a second glance.
[43]
My father's face flushed with anger, his jaw tight.
[44]
"Get those filthy thoughts out of your head. I'm still alive, you know!"
[45]
I didn't deny or defend myself, nor did I admit I was wrong.
[46]
My father reached for his belt, about to hit me.
[47]
Then a loud and insistent knock at the door interrupted him, sounding like someone would kick it in if they had to.
[48]
My heart pounded, and I sprinted to the door, hoping it was him.
[49]
But it wasn't Kieran.
[50]
The disappointment washed over me in waves, stronger and stronger.
[51]
It was one of my father's most challenging clients, coming by to invite him out to discuss business over dinner.
[52]
The timing was suspicious, and I couldn't help but wonder if Kieran had a hand in this.
[53]
I clung tightly to the faintest sliver of hope, desperately searching for anything that might convince me it wasn't entirely in vain.
[54]
Before leaving, my dad gave me a severe look.
[55]
"You'd better start thinking about the family's reputation. Got it?"
[56]
Yes, they all had reputations to protect.
[57]
Meanwhile, my dignity lay trampled on the ground, ignored and unimportant.
[58]
I tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep, poring over every moment with him, looking for anything I might have missed, some clue.
[59]
In the end, the pain drove me out of bed. I threw on heavy club makeup and went out.
[60]
In a crowded place, loneliness felt a little less sharp.
[61]
I hadn't expected to run into Kieran at the bar entrance.
[62]
He blocked my path, a cigarette between his lips, his face cold and distant under the dim lights.
[63]
"It's late. Go home."
[64]
I gritted my teeth and tried to shove past him.
[65]
"Sorry, I don't know you. Please move."
[66]
A guy pushing forty, staying up at this hour? He's definitely asking for a receding hairline, I thought.
[67]
I tried to walk past him.
[68]
He took a step back, still blocking my way. We were close enough that I could smell the faint hint of alcohol on him.
[69]
It was something he almost never touched. I knew that much.
[70]
So what was eating away at him this time?
[71]
Kieran took a drag from his cigarette, his eyes narrowed in the grayish haze, radiating a brooding, almost careless allure.
[72]
A moment later, he leaned close, his voice a low murmur.
[73]
"How do you think I should handle a kid throwing a tantrum?"
[74]
My mind went blank. It took a while to snap back and regain my composure. I averted my gaze.
[75]
"Kieran, what exactly are you doing? Stop messing with me."
[76]
He chuckled bitterly, a rare hint of anger in his voice.
[77]
"Madalyn, you have no idea what's out there. The world isn't just some romance novel."
[78]
In his photography days, Kieran was all sharp edges, one icy stare enough to silence anyone.
[79]
People thought he was the danger.
[80]
Now, after years in business, he'd mellowed, adopting a reserved, easygoing attitude, but tonight, he'd broken that streak, coming across as relentless, almost obsessive.
[81]
After a beat of hesitation, I couldn't help but ask,
[82]
"Do you care about me?"
[83]
For a brief moment, I thought I saw a flicker of panic in his eyes.
[84]
"Don't overthink it. I'm an older family friend, that's all."
[85]
He reached out to pat my head like he was consoling some lovesick kid.
[86]
I brushed off his hand, barely able to keep my voice steady.
[87]
"Since you think I'm full of romantic nonsense, maybe you should just stay far away.
[88]
I'd hate to cling to you."
[89]
That word – cling – seemed to startle him.
[90]
He just stood there, looking out over the street, and let me go without another word.
[91]
The lights inside the bar were dim and erratic, the music deafening.
[92]
I downed drink after drink at the counter, and by the time I stumbled toward the exit, I was unsteady, my steps faltering until I fell into someone's arms.
[93]
Before I could even react, a hand gripped my shoulder, pulling me back.
[94]
I looked up at the familiar figure, my hazy vision unable to make out the details, but I instinctively wanted to move closer, to stay in his orbit.
[95]
The figure let out a strained sigh, his voice rough.
[96]
"Don't move."
[97]
"Then be my boyfriend, just for a day?"
[98]
I whispered, tilting his chin up and giving him the briefest kiss.
[99]
"Even just one day."
[100]
I gazed at him.
[101]
"I've liked you for so long. Just one day – please?"
[102]
Everything after that was a blur.
[103]
But in my heart, I was convinced it had to have been Kieran.
[104]
The next morning, I woke up sprawled across a hotel bed, my head pounding.
[105]
I was still piecing the night together when I heard a man's voice.
[106]
"You're awake?"
[107]
"Kieran?"
[108]
I asked.
[109]
I sat up immediately, but froze when I saw him.
[110]
This wasn't Kieran. It was a stranger, a young man I'd never met before.
[111]
Panic settled over me, my fingers shaking as I asked,
[112]
"Last night, was it... you...?"
[113]
I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.
[114]
He handed me a bottle of water.
[115]
"You drank a lot last night. Threw up a few times. Here – this'll help you feel better."
[116]
3
[117]
Even as I left the hotel, I was still in a daze.
[118]
The events of last night felt like an unrealistic dream.
[119]
Was I really that desperate for Kieran?
[120]
"Shall I
[121]
take you home?"
[122]
The boy from last night had been quietly following me, rushing forward to steady me when I nearly tripped over a step.
[123]
I quickly pulled away,
[124]
scanning the faces around us nervously.
[125]
"No. Just... don't follow me, okay?"
[126]
He seemed to understand my need for discretion, nodding silently and backing off.
[127]
I walked faster toward the street, but just before I got into the car, I stole one more look back at him.
[128]
He had kind, earnest features, a clean, unassuming face.
[129]
It left me with an odd sense of guilt, as if I'd somehow taken advantage of a genuinely decent guy.
[130]
When I got home, I realized I'd lost my keys somewhere.
[131]
With no way inside, I ended up just sitting on the edge of the steps, staring blankly at nothing.
[132]
I don't know how much time passed before a shadow fell across me, breaking my trance.
[133]
I looked up to see Kieran standing there, his face backlit by the afternoon sun. The light caught his high cheekbones and the faint lines around his eyes, giving him a warmth I didn't usually see.
[134]
I froze, locked in place, just staring up at him, unable to say anything. It felt as if, for a brief moment, he was part of a story I hadn't dared imagine.
[135]
Then, without a word, he knelt down to check my forehead, his hand cool against my skin.
[136]
"What's wrong?
[137]
Are you feeling sick?"
[138]
The care in his voice almost brought tears to my eyes.
[139]
"No... I'm fine."
[140]
He paused, seeming to measure his next words.
[141]
"Take better care of yourself. Don't stay up late, and stay away from alcohol."
[142]
I mumbled something noncommittal, trying to hold back everything I didn't want to say.
[143]
But he sat down next to me, ignoring my resistance.
[144]
"I just had lunch with your parents and dropped them off.
[145]
Your dad's not upset with you anymore. We talked things through."
[146]
My breath hitched.
[147]
"Oh? And what did you say to him? That I was being ridiculous and you were just maintaining boundaries?
[148]
Throwing in a few business deals to smooth things over?"
[149]
He smiled slightly, pretending not to notice the bite in my voice.
[150]
After a few moments, he sighed, a sound so soft it was almost a whisper, and stood up to go.
[151]
"You should head in; it's too hot out here."
[152]
For some reason, his gentle reminder hurt more than I'd expected. I wanted to reach out, to ask him to stay just a bit longer.
[153]
But the thought of last night held me back.
[154]
Caught up in the moment, I found myself rushing after him.
[155]
"Mr. Harris, I won't be difficult anymore."
[156]
I hadn't called him "Mr. Harris" in years. It was always just "Kieran."
[157]
This change in address – it had to mean something to him.
[158]
It meant I'd finally let go of the childish, hidden love I'd clung to for so long. I wouldn't continue the secret chase for something forever out of reach, a lonely journey chasing a star I'd never hold.
[159]
I was letting him go. And I was letting myself go, too.
[160]
He froze, his shoulders tight, his expression unreadable as he gave a brief nod.
[161]
"Good," he said softly, before picking up his pace and disappearing down the street.
[162]
And with that, the world seemed to lose its color. Everything felt dull and empty without him.
[163]
When I got back inside, I tried to escape to my room, but my mother stopped me.
[164]
"Why didn't you come home last night?"
[165]
she questioned.
[166]
I forced a smile, fighting to sound casual.
[167]
"I was out with friends and lost track of time."
[168]
She looked like she wanted to say more but just patted my shoulder, letting it go.
[169]
At dinner, I kept up the facade, acting as if nothing had happened.
[170]
But halfway through the meal, my dad cleared his throat, putting on his authoritative "head of the family" tone.
[171]
"Tomorrow, dress up a bit. I want you to come with me to a gathering. I've got a friend with a son – really outstanding."
[172]
My hand froze mid-reach for the food, and he continued,
[173]
"Madalyn, it's time to show a little maturity."
[174]
Yes, it was time. I couldn't really turn my life into a joke.
[175]
I could feel their silent disappointment, their quiet concern.
[176]
They didn't want me chasing some fantasy; they wanted me to live a stable, conventional life.
[177]
I nodded, not bothering to show any hint of emotion.
[178]
"All right."
[179]
4
[180]
The blind date was a disaster – two things happened that made it impossible for me to keep up the polite, demure act I'd promised myself to maintain in that quiet corner booth.
[181]
First, the person my father had set me up with, Tristan Griffiths, turned out to be the boy from the hotel that night.
[182]
Second, the real matchmaker behind this setup was Kieran.
[183]
After walking out in front of everyone, I whipped out my phone and dialed Kieran's number.
[184]
The ringing in my ear felt like pins piercing my skin, each second dragging out painfully.
[185]
Finally, the call connected.
[186]
I blurted out,
[187]
"Kieran, where are you? I need to see you – right now!"
[188]
There was a brief pause before a soft, gentle female voice replied,
[189]
"Oh, don't worry, just tell me what's happened. Kieran's in the bathroom; I can pass him the message when he's back."
[190]
My heart sank instantly, ice spreading through my limbs, cold and painful. I leaned back against the wall, struggling to breathe.
[191]
After a long pause, I finally managed to mumble,
[192]
"It's nothing."
[193]
I hung up, turned off my phone, and stared at the floor.
[194]
Whether this was a coincidence or something he'd planned no longer mattered.
[195]
None of it mattered now.
[196]
It was all pointless.
[197]
With my legs barely holding me up, I stumbled out of the restaurant and let myself drift along with the crowd, not really looking where I was going.
[198]
I eventually stopped, only to find myself locking eyes with Tristan.
[199]
His soft, worried gaze held a depth that seemed to see right through me, and his lips were pressed into a tense line.
[200]
"Did I say something wrong?"
[201]
he asked.
[202]
It wasn't him; it was his father mentioning Kieran.
[203]
He'd said,
[204]
"Kieran isn't the type to praise others lightly. If he speaks highly of you, there's something special about you for sure."
[205]
I leaned against a nearby pillar, trying to mask my bitterness with a casual tone.
[206]
"So, do you know what Kieran said about me?"
[207]
Tristan answered with caution, as if he were trying to handle a skittish animal. I probably looked like one to him, coming off as erratic and hypersensitive.
[208]
"Mr. Harris said you're smart,
[209]
beautiful, and strong-willed."
[210]
I let out a laugh, doubling over with the effort. Between bursts of laughter, I looked up and asked,
[211]
"And what do you think?"
[212]
He was silent, a flicker of something uncertain crossing his gaze.
[213]
Finally, after my laughter faded, he spoke,
[214]
"Madalyn, I'd like to know you for myself, not through someone else's words."
[215]
"Oh?"
[216]
I replied, twirling a strand of hair as I leaned in closer, mischief flaring in my gaze.
[217]
"Then don't blame me if what you find is nauseating."
[218]
I was so close I could hear him swallow.
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