Chapter 1 Regrets

Am surrounded by what is supposed to be called love and light yet i find myself feeling so tired and lazy to fit in,I grew up,getting a bad news that i was brought into to the world with my hands my mother wasn't able to push so they decided to operate on her causing her to bleed to death that means i killed my mother or what better explanation can anyone give me, going to school was supposed to be fun right just the normal routine,they all knew about how i came into this world who told them definitely not me because i could say i barely speak or be spoken to by anyone.

I wish my mother was alive maybe i will have being the most happiest child or living like am the only one in this world who has a mother,why didn't my mother fight to live for me wasn't i important to her i live with my father and his other wife and children they all go by their business living me to go by my business i could say i kind of love the life,because i got use to it,the only thing that kept me going was,not for once was i suicidal even though i don't know if this how i would live my life until Christ come, though i wake up asking why am i still here why did i wake up again from the night mare called life knowing fully well am not a contributor. I wasn't the regular beautiful lady i was just there. The not so beautiful lady who doesn't smile,who would that kind of person attract? because people are attracted by how welcoming Ur face is mine face wasn't welcoming and was not ready to learn or switch itself, because i see myself as an unfortunate child.why would i want to be happy? Why would i want to smile for there wasn't absolutely nothing to smile about.i did this till i finish from school everyone calls me strange because i didn't talk or i wasn't free a person to associate with.

I had to go get an apartment on my own, thinking I could change the scenario if i started staying on my own. I got a job with a popular firm,i have a regular routine go to work in the morning be back by noon there this grocery i learnt to visit just to buy my liquor that help me forget and also drink at work just so i don't feel so alone and keep my eyes all day at my computer documenting business deal and also filing deals for the next day,i close this day had go to the grocery store to get my usual bought about for 12 pack.drinks is the only thing that makes me sleep at night, on a Tuesday night closed a bit late had about only two beer left wanted to go the grocery store but i knew late so i decided to manage the two beer left on getting to my door i saw this stranger lying helplessly on my door step thinking, didn't know how to address this issue because i wasn't created to interact i was brought into this world alone, getting to my door step he opened his eyes because i was sacred wat if he was dead how do i explain myself to the judgemental people.