Chapter 1 The feeling

It's gotten to a point where I am not even waiting for a happy ending anymore, I am waiting for an end. I really can't explain this because even I can't understand. Is it possible to feel dead for years and still smile and laugh? Is it possible to stop being yourself for a long time and still not remember who you were? These voices are always saying to me that I would never be saved. There are voices in my head and only I hear them. They sound cruel and very real too because it's like I can hear them as it they were persons.

Many times I would sit at the edge of my bed with my head in my hands, wishing I could end my own existence. My mind is not void, it is replaced by another one that makes me feel absolutely worthless and numb to this thing called life. But regardless, I smile. Regardless, I am the comedian who is so good at cracking jokes and making my family and friends laugh till their eyes water. Regardless, I give the best advices to people who are being attacked by the misery of grief. I honestly don't feel like I am worthy of anyone's love and I mean it because when my wealthy handsome father gives me all the money and tells me that I am loved, that he loves me dearly, I believe it not. My mind rejects it and not just from him but from everyone else around me. It's like they just say it without really knowing what it means and just to put a smile on my face. I am 21 and this feeling is what I would describe as never ending misery and perpetual sadness and never quite knowing the source of it. This feeling makes me have awful thoughts and there are times that it won and it made me scar myself in ugly ways.

I don't know if it's possible to say there is exhaustion for me by just existing and a what made it worse was the remarks of people regarding it.

"How can you be depressed with all the wealth your dad has"

"You are too pretty to be depressed"

"She just wants attention"

"She's faking it"

"Depression doesn't exist in rich homes"

"There is no way you are sad with a multi millionaire as your father"

"Maria just get a boyfriend and you will be happy"

These remarks are just few of the statements I'd gotten in the past when I did try to open up. So if people think I'm not human enough to feel what I feel, then why do I even exist?

Even when I take a deep breath no amount of air will fill the hole inside. I did wonder if I could go away with death and I did attempt a couple of times but whoever rules the universe dimmed it fit to always save me from death which to me is is the only way out of my misery.

When days went on, the cruel voices would get mad and even though I grew up believing I was pretty, they succeeded in making me believe I was the ugliest being on earth.

My name is Maria White and I am sadly alive and pretending that the world I live in has a lot to offer and is the happiest place I'd ever find myself in. I try to pull myself out of the dark places but it's impossible. I myself, am a part of this mysterious dark place.