THE LOST SOUL💔

My hands are shaking as I held a blade over my pulse. My palms are sweaty and cold, tears stream from my eyes as the past events in my life unfold before me. I watch my life rewind with emotionless stare as all I feel now is that I am so lost. Hopeless. Sad. Alone.

I could hear my breathing as it comes out fast. I'm scared but I feel like this is the only way to escape. To stop the madness that is creeping on me. The terror that gripped me. I no longer want to live. I cannot see myself walking this earth anymore as life has repaid me nothing but sorrow, pain and endless melancholy. I gave everything into the universe, all the love, joy and hard work that I can do, I gave my life my all, but it failed me. I failed me. I was not designed to be amongst the living. I do not deserve to live anymore. The bubbly, happy girl is gone. All I am is a pathetic lost soul. Hollow and wretched I walk everyday of my life unable to find meaning in what I do. I do not see any reason to live or to do the things I do everyday. I am surrounded by so many people but everyday I feel more and more alone.

Depression kills. I am dead even though I have yet to sink this blade into my skin. Even before it cuts through my veins I am already gone. I exist and yet my heart, my mind and my soul no longer does.

I cannot remember how this started or how I fell into this pit of darkness, all I know is I lost what is left of me and there is no other solution but to end everything. Stop breathing, stop living, give up.

With shaky hands I slowly bring the blade closer to my wrists. Slowly, painfully I slice it through my skin and into my veins. A sudden gush of blood flowed to my arms. The pain is unbearable but it cannot compete to the sense of fulfillment that I felt. I let myself give in to the pain. It resonated through my whole body and being, until we are one. My eyes are beginning to shut as 5 minutes passed. Briefly, I remembered how I came to the decision of ending my life. It is quite funny that I planned all of it in a way any nerdy person would commit suicide. I researched. I considered several methods like hanging myself, drinking pills, OD'ing on some kind of drugs, but, I ultimately ended up with deciding to slit my wrists.

My life is so purposeless and insignificant that I would not want it to end as it is. I wanted drama, emotion, showmanship - I want blood.

As I discovered, the best method of cutting your wrist is to cut vertically. By cutting across your wrist, you run the risk of damaging tendons, causing you to be unable to cut the other arm. The goal to cut vertically is to sever the radial artery in a manner that facilitates rapid blood loss. By cutting along the length of the artery, you'll trigger the body's own defenses – arterial constriction, which will pull the artery open, allowing it to bleed more quickly.Otherwise, it will be a very long and painful method to die.

The depth of the cut should be from ½ to 1 inch deep, and run along with the radial artery. The radial artery supplies the blood to the arm and hands. It is a major artery found in your forearm and to cut it, you must go through the skin and tendons. After that, it seems to take a long, long period to bleed out. And true as it is, I am looking at my slit wrists and seems like forever as I see my blood drip to the water as I lay on the bathtub. I tried to slit my other wrists but my left hand has no strength at all to carry my own hands and make the slit. I lie there helplessly as I wait for myself to bleed to my death.

I never knew that dying could be so hard. That even at the doorstep of death, it still is a gruesome journey to get to that peaceful place.

Depending on how well you have made the cuts, bleeding out could take anywhere from a few minutes to half an hour. You would experience an increased heart rate, a clammy feeling, dizziness, and become pale. This will be followed by a shortness of breath, and when your blood pressure drops far enough, you'll lose consciousness and eventually die.

Thirty minutes have passed and I am bleeding out rapidly, the pain is unbearable but I no longer fight it. I savor it, thinking that this is the last time I will be able to feel pain, sadness, melancholy or anything at all. I am just so eager to find stillness and infinity. I just want to get to that place where suffering is no longer an issue and people can no longer hurt you. This is my revenge for all the pain. Maybe, just maybe when they find me lying lifeless in a tub full of blood they will finally see what they all have done to me and how much I needed people to care. Perhaps, in my death they will feel and experience my life. With me gone the heaviness that I feel in my heart will also be theirs, as they will remember every single minute that they have made me feel unimportant. The weight of their conscience will kill them inside, knowing that they made me grab this razor. They made me slit my wrists and made me watch myself die an agonizing end.

This is the culmination of my journey, the final vow to where I will have the last laugh. I have cheated life. It screwed me over and over again, now I am ending everything on my own terms. On this bathtub, I decided to die because once I thought I was living all the while I was preparing for this moment. This is the time, place and end of me. This is my death.

I was born the youngest out of four siblings. However, I am the bad luck, the misfit, family wrecker. Our mother Lucy had an affair with another man - her boss. I was a fruit of adultery, and because of me, her husband - Brandon Johnson died.

Everybody hated me.

Who would love the product of lust? Of immorality and all that destroys what true love is. I hated my mother for giving birth to me. I just wish she aborted me instead or better yet she remained faithful to her beloved husband and kids. If only she made the right choices I would not have been born into this cruel world. I would not have been contemplating my own death. I wouldn't be in a tub swimming in my own blood.

My siblings Cara the successful heir of her father's winery business, Janet the lucky housewife who is married to a big business tycoon and Matthew the only person who has shown me a bit kindness. Matt was quite a big brother, he is an artist. He is wild and free and I envy him. He is the only one cool with me being part of their "family." While everybody else would wish me dead or shove me in a basement for all eternity. He was there. He took me in as his own sister. I am forever grateful. He is the only one I have closest to family.